8 years...whoa!

On a day like yesterday, October 8th, the Sailor and I got married. Wow. Time just flies by, literally. In these 8 years, we have learned quite a few things from each other and about life in general. We were two young kids, with a typical Navy courtship, who knew that it was time to settle down when we met. Crazy stuff! Even crazier when you find out that I had sworn off marriage! I didn't want to do it. The universe had other plans it seems. So, join me down memory lane! Here are some highlights from those 8 years:

- Me swearing to Sailor that I didn't really mean to flash the crowd of kids at the playground. It was the wind that blew my skirt. I mean, could I really do anything about that?

- Sailor flirting with some girl, finding out it was Katherine McPhee, and then immediately calling me to find out who that was. Yes, folks. He really did do this. I still laugh about it to this day. 

- Me being told by a pimp in Atlantic City that he could buy me bigger diamonds than the ones Sailor was looking at. My answer: Really? Wanna talk? I don't know who was more shocked, the jeweler or the pimp, that I actually answered him. I am a smart ass. Sorry.

- Sailor being kind and taking the time to talk to a grieving family at Arlington National Cemetery, after he bugled. This part of the job can be tough on all trumpet players because they are human. They can feel and see the emotional response of the family as Taps is being played. He didn't have to talk to them, he could have just walked away...but he didn't. That to me is huge.

- In 8 years, we have created 5 children: Angel (in heaven), Pixy , Banshee, Louie(in heaven), and Cubby(in utero). Lots of happiness and sadness, all rolled up into one big package. We cried, laughed, and are aware that we have been blessed. Little miracles all of them.

- My wolf dog, Kai, is still extremely pissed that Pixy was born and they fight like siblings ALL THE TIME. It is getting better, though. They do play together before one decides to push the other and then it starts all over again. He has no problem with Banshee though.

-Our other dog, Juneau, was my Mother's Day present. His number was up at the ASPCA and we rescued him. He was skinny and sick then. It was actually very sad. He isn't very bright but he's a good soul, and I am happy to report that he is now attempting to learn how to play. For the most part, he just sits around. He is learning though. 

- Me sitting in an abandoned neighborhood park while Sailor was on a gig, reading a book in the sunshine. I was visited by a chipmunk, some birds, and a bunny. Best couple hours ever!

- Sailor laughing up on stage as Banshee screamed "Yay!", after it was announced that it was the last song of the recital. This is huge because nothing breaks through to him when he is in the 'zone'. Banshee knows what buttons to push. 

- Me taking Sailor out to a date to see David Sedaris read from his book in Baltimore. What a win! I had a literary orgasm and Sailor laughed his ass off. It was magical!

-In 6 months, my father passed away, we put my mother's house for sale, we moved her into our house,  we found out we were pregnant with Cubby, we put our house up for sale, bought a new one, moved two houses worth of crap into the new one, found that Banshee has an Autism Spectrum Disorder, Pixy started Kinder, Banshee started a new school, we are STILL settling in. Sailor has been my sidekick through all of this and I am grateful. It would have been easy for him to wash his hands of the whole thing and keep walking. But, he didn't because he is a rock star. 

Anyway, those are some highlights from our 8 years of bliss, read craziness. I am sure we have some more adventures to take on. Life rarely settles down enough for us to be able to just be still somewhere. Eh, don't know why we would expect anything different. It is the way we are and it works. 

                    Have you any cool highlights from your relationship? Share them with us. 

Losing Your Self in Parenting

I read a lot of blogs and articles about parenting in my free time (you know, that 5 minutes you have between their bedtime and your bedtime). I was reading an article today about single parenting and 10 women weighed in on the difficult parts of being a single parent. One said it was hard not to lose your "self" in parenting and I thought, "Isn't that hard for everyone?" I mean it may be especially hard when you're the only parent, but I see it in parents who are still with their partner as well.

The "self" can be seen as the part of you that distinguishes you from others. As an adolescent, as a young adult, someone without kids, we are free to define that self as we please. Before I married Mike, before I had kids, I would have defined my self as a psychologist, as a therapist, as a professor, as a crafter (I have always loved to knit and create things from other things, like making a collage), as an academic (I always had my face buried in a book or an article), as a friend, and as a daughter. When I married Mike, I added "wife" to that list, and it changed how I thought about myself and how I thought about what I did. For example, when you go to the grocery store as a single person, you get whatever the hell you want, because why not right? It's you eating it. I used to eat Ramen Noodles and Black Bean Burgers with pepperjack cheese on a bun probably 3 nights a week. I'd buy wine and cosmopolitan mix (and good vodka) and have hair dying parties with lots of alcohol and a good friend as often as possible. Then I got married and even grocery shopping changed - now if I saw something new I wanted to try, I'd grab one, put it in my cart, then a thought would come up, "Maybe Mike might like that too?" so I'd try to find something he would like. It was an adjustment even in just that small area of my life. I read less and spent more time hanging out with my husband. I still used to bring work home with me in the form of papers to grade, and many nights I'd sit alone as he watched TV or while he was working, grading papers. But I'd feel guilty because I wasn't spending all my time with him. So I developed a way to not bring as much work home.

Then we had kids. Well we had Silas. I stayed home with Silas for the first 4 months or so because I had him during summer break. Mike still worked, so I spent a lot more time with Si than he did. I ended up being the one that got up and fed him and changed him. I investigated cloth diapers and started using them. I took him to all his appointments. I washed his diapers. I cooked. I cleaned. I was tired a lot (especially because newborns don't sleep long stretches like us adults need). Rather than going to the store and thinking about what do Mike and I want to eat, I ended up spending some time in the baby section now too. Clothes, formula, gear (swing? bouncer? toddler bed when?) then food (stage 1? stage 2? WTF? Where's my phone, I need to Google that stuff), cups (is he old enough for this one?), silverware, self-feeding, do we need different plates for this little dude? Becoming a parent, having "parent" become part of my self, how I saw myself, was very quick for me. And maybe it is more so for women than it is for men because they carry the baby, they nurse the baby (maybe, if they can), things like that.

But even now, three years after having our first child in April 2010, I'm still the one who does a bulk of what I think of as "parenting prep." I buy Silas' clothes and shoes. I look at Sage and figure out if he's ready to size up (and find the buckets of those clothes and wash them to get them ready for when he does size up). That reminds me, Silas needs 5T pants - it's gotten chilly here and I have 2 pairs of pants for him only. 5T is a B to find! I get home from work and start putting together dinners for everyone - the boys usually eat the same thing and Mike and I eat the same thing. I get pajamas ready so that when baths are done PJs and diapers are ready to go. I make sure post-bath milk cups are ready. I do the laundry so everyone has clean clothes. I clean up after dinner (sometimes with Mike, sometimes without). I wash diapers. I wash the boys' wool PJs. Mike does baths. We wrangle wet boys. They drink milk, watch a show, then we brush teeth and read a book. Then the bedtime struggle ensues (for Silas). Now it's, "But I have to poop!" He's gotten up to use the potty twice since I sat down to write this. Mike thinks it's a stall tactic but most nights he does actually poop.

That's me (not really)

So where is the "self" in all of this? I mean sure you can see how I define my self in relation to my children. I'm their Mommy, Momma, Mamama (Sage). I spend most of my time doing for others, and most days I'm fine with that. Every once in a while I wish I could go back to that time where I sat on my couch in my attic apartment in Providence, RI and knitted until I was tired and went to bed when I wanted to (rather than going to bed because everyone else is finally in bed and I'm quite literally brain exhausted). I go running some days. I exercise at least 30 minutes a day (but usually there's at least one child attempting to "help" or copy me). I blog (at 10 p.m. under a camouflage blanket where nobody can see me). I've been reading the same "for fun" book since June. And no it's not 1,000 pages long.

My kids aren't old enough yet for sports and we don't know enough kids for play dates, so I'm betting that the time I spend with them watching movies or playing dinosaurs (today it was rockets) will change and I'll spend my time driving them to and fro. I don't see the amount of time I have to spend on "me" or even with my husband changing any time soon. I wish I could change it just a little bit, but if I did I think I'd feel guilty. I work 40+ hours per week. Mike worked 55 hours last week. The boys hang with their nanny more than they do with us. We see them for an hour in the morning (and that's "get dressed and get your butts in the car") and three and a half hours at night, and that's it on the week days. Weekends we spend more time together, but I feel as if that's "make up" for all the time we didn't spend Monday - Friday.

In the end, as a parent, any parent, single or not, it's hard not to lose your self in parenting. It's hard to not focus on "being someone's Mom" and to instead focus on what you as a human, as an adult, want. I bet that's why people have trouble with "empty nest syndrome" or whatever you want to call it - once you don't have your kids to define you anymore, what do you do? Who are you? It's like you need to rebuild that self from the ground up.

What do you think that you can do to maintain some sense of "self" as a parent? Do you think it's possible?

The MATH Bucket List

Bucket Lists can be great ways to keep up with fun ideas and goals that you have. Keep a list on your fridge of the things you think of and see how many you can accomplish!

Let's see what the Mamas have on their Bucket Lists!! :)

Lisa:

1. Swim with dolphins. Achieved in 2007.
2. Fly an airplane. Achieved in 2008.
3. Read a book on the grounds of Jane Austen's childhood home.
4. Kiss the Blarney stone!
5. Go to a Cirque du Soleil show. Achieved in 2004.
6. Be in two places at once. Achieved in 2007.
7. Run a 5k.
8. Travel to Europe.
9. Watch the Iditarod.
10. Find and use an 'epiphany toilet'. (Yes, it is a reference to Scrubs)
Disclaimer: My list has 100 entries on it and growing!! :) Go me!

Liz:

- Graduate college (completed August 1998)

Had two babies, check!

- Graduate with a Master's degree (completed May 2003)
- Live somewhere other than New England (completed January 2008)
- Graduate with a Ph.D. (hopefully completed in October 2013)
- Have or adopt a child (completed April 2010 and June 2012)
- Plan and build a house with a fabulous kitchen and a loft
- Complete a 5k (I was registered...then it got cancelled...need to register for another one)
- Go on a vacation with my little family that's not to visit family (no offense to my family)
- Travel to Hawaii

- Go to the WKC with my Mom (Westminster Kennel Club dog show)
- Buy my Dad a boat ;)
- Make a better Bucket List - I've honestly done everything I've ever wanted to.

Robyn:

-Rent a Ferrari for a crazy night on the town

-Drink beers with Kenny Chesney on his boat in St. Croix

-Take a cruise (check!)

-Skydive

-Go ziplining

-Have an outside shower built out of my bathroom

-Place in a figure competition

-Take a flight in a blackhawk

-Travel abroad (Europe, Italy, Germany, Spain, France, Australia, China)

-Get a boob job

-Have a corner office with full length windows, overlooking the city

-Ride a motorcycle from California to North Carolina

-Touch a whale's fin

      How about you? What's on your bucket list? If you don't have one, what would you put on it?

What We Learned This Week (Sunday, September 29th Edition)

Where does the time go? It's yet again time for the weekly round up. We hope you enjoy reading these (or at least they entertain you) because we enjoy writing them! So Mamas, what did you learn this week?

Robyn:

I've learned Saturday mornings are Wild when I step back and observe...The kids came in (at 730...c'mon, seriously!) our room, wrestled us outta bed, and proceeded to follow like ducklings. Here we go! Into the bathroom. As the baby is strapped to my hip, I brush my teeth with the other hand, and the boys prep for Sean's haircut. Kasen got the broom and dustpan (riding it like a witch at times), while Dad cut Sean's hair into a Mohawk. "Gawwww, I'm BEAUTIFUL!," Sean says. And yes, picture day is this week folks. 

I've learned just how tacky people can be. Kasen had his opening day of baseball this week. At the game, all sorts of people show up. Classy, sporty, and everything in between. While Kasen was batting, I noticed a grandma with her granddaughter sitting in fold out chairs. The grandma was changing the granddaughter (who was atleast 3). The granddaughter was standing up, and taking off her pull up in plain sight! I was disgusted that the woman didn't know better to atleast cover up that poor child. With all the pervs, pedophiles and molesters out there, you would think that more common sense would be used! SMH.

I've learned that every girl needs 'her girls'. My bestie is in North Carolina, and I miss her everyday. She knows me in and out, as I do her. We don't have to talk everyday, but when we do...it's like nothing has changed between us! I've learned to never trust that girl that doesn't have atleast 1 close girlfriend. There's a reason she can't keep any close confidants. She'll spill your business to get what she wants, destroying everything in the path. Be aware, these women don't change. Just be careful: these girls (mommies too) are PTA members, girlscout moms, home room moms, teachers or anywhere else women go! They are a Red Flag, Ladies! SWIM AWAY, SWIM AWAY :D

Lisa:
1. I was able to get Banshee a medical ID bracelet that is waterproof and little kid proof!! WOOHOO! She keeps it on every day and likes wearing it because it is "pink". It has the basic information on it and I feel better knowing that there is information in there that will help out a first responder. Go me!

2. I learned to give in and buy myself some maternity clothes. I am just not fitting into any of my regular clothes now and I kept putting off going to the store to grab a couple pants. Sigh..why do I make things harder for myself? Happy to report that I am now more comfortable and so is Cubby.

3. I learned that it is good to be teaching again, in any capacity. I volunteered to help out with the girls' Sunday School and it felt nice to be in the classroom again as an assistant. I feel like I take on a lot sometimes because I like to help but I had a blast today. It was cool. :)

Liz:
1) I learned that children's watches aren't necessarily waterproof. Silas got a watch because he used the potty. He wore it in the bath. It's now in a bag of rice on the counter. #Mommyfail

2) I figured out how to do some pretty cool stuff on the blog. Never too old to learn about coding I guess!

3) I heard Roo (Sage) say I love you back to me for the first time this week. Makes a Mommy's heart melt :)

What did you learn this week? Anything fun and amazing? What do you think about our learnings? Tell us about it in the Comments area!

Phone reminders, Volunteering, and mayhem

I actually love volunteering, but every once in a while, I really dread being called in to help out at the spawn's school. There are some days where I really just don't want to do anything but sit somewhere and read. Just take a break from the hubbub of homework, routines, and whatever else the day throws at me. Unluckily for me, I set a reminder alarm for absolutely everything so that I don't forget and have craziness ensue.  I had a day yesterday of only alarms, mayhem, and volunteer time. Sigh!

It started out as any other day. I got the girls ready for school, packed lunches, got in the truck and dropped them off at their respective schools, about 5 minutes away from each other. Easy, right? I thought so too! I went home and got some chores done, let the wolves out, and actually read for five minutes. Then, the reminder alarm on my phone went off. Yup, I had forgotten that I had an appointment with my OBGYN to check on Cubby. Ooookay. Now comes the long drive to Walter Reed Hospital. Oh boy!

I managed to make it super early to my appointment, only to find out that the midwife was running 45 minutes behind schedule. No matter, I thought, I have my book and it is all good! I was just settling in to a great adventure with Rachel Morgan(main character in the Hollows series by Kim Harrison), when the nurse informs me that I need to get my flu shot. Oh! I didn't even think of doing that! No problem, I shut my book and walked to the tent they set up for flu shots at the hospital, got my flu shot, and went back to the waiting room to wait for my appointment to get underway. This certain midwife is NEVER on time and I don't like getting her. She feels that by hugging me, I will forget that we are now 2 hours into an appointment that should have started ages ago.

As I was settling in to read a little bit, my reminder alarm on the phone went off. Again?! Oh sweet God! I had to volunteer for the parent meeting in the evening, which was now only two hours away. How did I forget this? I really try not to forget but my energy was gone. See, at Pixy's school, every family has to put in a certain amount of volunteer hours by the end of the year. Most vet parents, like me, schedule their volunteer hours early on in the school year, so we don't have to scramble to fill those hours later on. If there are any hours not completed by the last week of school, you have to pay a certain amount of money to the school, so that they can keep tuition low. It's a nice arrangement and everyone really does take advantage of it, if anything, just to spend a little time with their kids outside the home.

Truth is, I really do love going into the school and helping out when I can. I feel like I am doing something important for Pixy and her school, as well as teaching her the value of hard work and service. But, as I rushed through my appointment, jumped in the car only to get stuck on 95 traffic, I really just didn't feel like doing anything. My flu shot was kicking in and I was positively exhausted. I so didn't want to go sit at a parent meeting, that could possibly last for hours because it was the first one of the year.

I made it home in record time and asked the Sailor to drive me to school and help me for a bit. I am usually helping with the setup of the hall for the meeting but with my 6 month bump, I help where I can. Dude, he saved my butt! I was able to sit and help with laying out the uniforms for the Used Uniform Exchange and rest a little bit. Just those couple of minutes really helped recharge my battery! I was able to greet the parents coming in, hand out information, and just chat with the other parent volunteers. It was nice and added bonus, I was able to sit in the back of the room, listen to the meeting, and reboot. I was hoping it was going to last.

Problem: It was getting late, the meeting was still going, and I was fading fast. So fast, that I started to play with my phone to stay awake and alert. I came to the conclusion that it was not going happen. I called the Sailor to come get me, right as the meeting was drawing to a close. I made it!

Part of me felt silly, I mean, I was dragging and there I was, trying to get things done all because I always keep my word. I am sure that I am not alone in this. Lots of Mamas do this. We overschedule or underschedule, only to have things pile up in the matter of seconds. I am not going to lie. Today, I am taking it super easy to get these elephant cankles to ease up a bit. I have a date with my book in a little bit but before I do that, there has to be a lesson in this, right? I know it. I mean, besides organizing things a little better and pacing oneself so as to not create total mayhem. I am too tired to see the big picture now, but I am sure it will hit me eventually. Sometimes, the greater lesson is just to take a minute and relax.

                                         Have you had a day like this? Fill us in and vent! 

Potty business, David Sedaris, and adulthood

Pfffftttttttt. Uuuuuugh. Grrrr. Wait a minute, Grrrrr? That is NOT a noise that should be coming from the public restroom stall next to me. I couldn't help but giggle a little bit. Clearly the person next to me was trying really hard to do their potty business as quietly as possible, and not being super successful. Another woman two stalls down asked: Are you ok? The answer, a frustrated yeah, echoed through the whole bathroom.

It got me to wondering where did this habit of being super quiet in a bathroom came from. We ALL know what we are going to do in there, putting lipstick on and smoothing your skirt is just bonus. Right? As I flushed the toilet and giggled again at the predicament of the person next to me (namely because we have all been there), I thought about a story that David Sedaris shared on one of his live readings. I am a huge David Sedaris fan, by the way, HUGE but I digress.... In his story, David Sedaris shared that while on one of his book signing tours, he started to ask people about how they handle their potty business as a way to make the long hours of signing books move a bit faster. Having been on the receiving end of one his questions, let me tell you, you have to be honest. Brutally honest. Anyway, he asked the people in line and the answers he got were off the wall. He started to wonder about this whole "need" to be super quiet in a bathroom, even though we are doing things that will naturally produce some kind of noise. Some people told him they place some toilet paper in the toilet and thus, make no noise when using the toilet. Others told him about how hey timed their bodily functions to the time when people flushed or used the sink. The funniest response was the person who told him that they would sneeze, cough, or blow their nose to cover up the sounds because it embarrassed them, nevermind the people in the other stalls! Interesting, huh? 

When does this phenomena to be quiet in the bathroom start? Clearly, when we are kids, we could care less about what noises we make. We feel like champs just because we used the potty. Sometimes, with the door open, even! That takes some mad skills. No, it can't be when we are kids. How about teenage years? I suppose it could happen then, I mean, we are all so worried about what others think of us that we constantly metamorphose into something else. There could be something to that. But, why adulthood? We've already surpassed our most embarrassing moments, right? So, why do we feel that the bathroom, potty, is really a RESTroom? Last thing I do in there is rest. HAHA!

I am from the school that you do what you have to do in the bathroom and you're done. Easy. Get in and get out. I don't have time to worry about what the people in the other stalls are thinking, I am a mother. My brain is wired to think about other things. I am worried that the toddler in the stall with me isn't trying to start a conversation with person in the other stall. I am worried that the pacifier that was just dropped on the floor doesn't go back in that child's mouth. Sigh! Yes, all of these have happened to me and then some.  

I was brought back to the present, as I washed my hands. The person in the other stall was definitely dawdling in the stall so she wouldn't have to see any of the other ladies that were in the bathroom at the same time. As I was drying my hands, she finally emerged from her stall. She really did look embarrassed at herself. She gave me a look in the mirror and made a face, as if to say "what are you going to do?". I just smiled at her but any response I might have given her was lost forever in that bathroom, as a little girl (followed by her Mama) runs in and pronounces as loud as she can: "Mama, I really have to poop right now and if you don't help me, I am going to have an accident." We all connected over that and started to laugh. We've all been there, I guess we just have to be the right age to cop to it. Maybe Sedaris was on to something when he asked that question. 

         Just take a minute and laugh at this post. :) Ok, now tell us... is this behavior an adult thing?