Losing Your Self in Parenting

I read a lot of blogs and articles about parenting in my free time (you know, that 5 minutes you have between their bedtime and your bedtime). I was reading an article today about single parenting and 10 women weighed in on the difficult parts of being a single parent. One said it was hard not to lose your "self" in parenting and I thought, "Isn't that hard for everyone?" I mean it may be especially hard when you're the only parent, but I see it in parents who are still with their partner as well.

The "self" can be seen as the part of you that distinguishes you from others. As an adolescent, as a young adult, someone without kids, we are free to define that self as we please. Before I married Mike, before I had kids, I would have defined my self as a psychologist, as a therapist, as a professor, as a crafter (I have always loved to knit and create things from other things, like making a collage), as an academic (I always had my face buried in a book or an article), as a friend, and as a daughter. When I married Mike, I added "wife" to that list, and it changed how I thought about myself and how I thought about what I did. For example, when you go to the grocery store as a single person, you get whatever the hell you want, because why not right? It's you eating it. I used to eat Ramen Noodles and Black Bean Burgers with pepperjack cheese on a bun probably 3 nights a week. I'd buy wine and cosmopolitan mix (and good vodka) and have hair dying parties with lots of alcohol and a good friend as often as possible. Then I got married and even grocery shopping changed - now if I saw something new I wanted to try, I'd grab one, put it in my cart, then a thought would come up, "Maybe Mike might like that too?" so I'd try to find something he would like. It was an adjustment even in just that small area of my life. I read less and spent more time hanging out with my husband. I still used to bring work home with me in the form of papers to grade, and many nights I'd sit alone as he watched TV or while he was working, grading papers. But I'd feel guilty because I wasn't spending all my time with him. So I developed a way to not bring as much work home.

Then we had kids. Well we had Silas. I stayed home with Silas for the first 4 months or so because I had him during summer break. Mike still worked, so I spent a lot more time with Si than he did. I ended up being the one that got up and fed him and changed him. I investigated cloth diapers and started using them. I took him to all his appointments. I washed his diapers. I cooked. I cleaned. I was tired a lot (especially because newborns don't sleep long stretches like us adults need). Rather than going to the store and thinking about what do Mike and I want to eat, I ended up spending some time in the baby section now too. Clothes, formula, gear (swing? bouncer? toddler bed when?) then food (stage 1? stage 2? WTF? Where's my phone, I need to Google that stuff), cups (is he old enough for this one?), silverware, self-feeding, do we need different plates for this little dude? Becoming a parent, having "parent" become part of my self, how I saw myself, was very quick for me. And maybe it is more so for women than it is for men because they carry the baby, they nurse the baby (maybe, if they can), things like that.

But even now, three years after having our first child in April 2010, I'm still the one who does a bulk of what I think of as "parenting prep." I buy Silas' clothes and shoes. I look at Sage and figure out if he's ready to size up (and find the buckets of those clothes and wash them to get them ready for when he does size up). That reminds me, Silas needs 5T pants - it's gotten chilly here and I have 2 pairs of pants for him only. 5T is a B to find! I get home from work and start putting together dinners for everyone - the boys usually eat the same thing and Mike and I eat the same thing. I get pajamas ready so that when baths are done PJs and diapers are ready to go. I make sure post-bath milk cups are ready. I do the laundry so everyone has clean clothes. I clean up after dinner (sometimes with Mike, sometimes without). I wash diapers. I wash the boys' wool PJs. Mike does baths. We wrangle wet boys. They drink milk, watch a show, then we brush teeth and read a book. Then the bedtime struggle ensues (for Silas). Now it's, "But I have to poop!" He's gotten up to use the potty twice since I sat down to write this. Mike thinks it's a stall tactic but most nights he does actually poop.

That's me (not really)

So where is the "self" in all of this? I mean sure you can see how I define my self in relation to my children. I'm their Mommy, Momma, Mamama (Sage). I spend most of my time doing for others, and most days I'm fine with that. Every once in a while I wish I could go back to that time where I sat on my couch in my attic apartment in Providence, RI and knitted until I was tired and went to bed when I wanted to (rather than going to bed because everyone else is finally in bed and I'm quite literally brain exhausted). I go running some days. I exercise at least 30 minutes a day (but usually there's at least one child attempting to "help" or copy me). I blog (at 10 p.m. under a camouflage blanket where nobody can see me). I've been reading the same "for fun" book since June. And no it's not 1,000 pages long.

My kids aren't old enough yet for sports and we don't know enough kids for play dates, so I'm betting that the time I spend with them watching movies or playing dinosaurs (today it was rockets) will change and I'll spend my time driving them to and fro. I don't see the amount of time I have to spend on "me" or even with my husband changing any time soon. I wish I could change it just a little bit, but if I did I think I'd feel guilty. I work 40+ hours per week. Mike worked 55 hours last week. The boys hang with their nanny more than they do with us. We see them for an hour in the morning (and that's "get dressed and get your butts in the car") and three and a half hours at night, and that's it on the week days. Weekends we spend more time together, but I feel as if that's "make up" for all the time we didn't spend Monday - Friday.

In the end, as a parent, any parent, single or not, it's hard not to lose your self in parenting. It's hard to not focus on "being someone's Mom" and to instead focus on what you as a human, as an adult, want. I bet that's why people have trouble with "empty nest syndrome" or whatever you want to call it - once you don't have your kids to define you anymore, what do you do? Who are you? It's like you need to rebuild that self from the ground up.

What do you think that you can do to maintain some sense of "self" as a parent? Do you think it's possible?

It's tough being a rock star!

My husband is a rock star. Seriously! He is music's Clark Kent or a robot (we will stick with the Superman thing, I think): he works a great job as a Navy Band musician during the day, but at night he is a freelance musician, mostly working for the awesome group The OJays. Tonight is no exception...he's already on the road into DC for an OJays gig.

It is a great gig for him! He gets to play great music with other musician friends, have a "break" from his crazy work routine, and get to do what he loves. Notice, that I didn't mention our little wolfpack on that sentence. I'm not going to lie, it is tough on me sometimes. Part of me wants to be sitting on the amps listening to the show, but the reality is that nighttime is my break from the day-to-day shuffle. I look forward to sitting on my rocking chair and devouring a novel, but it is difficult on nights that he is away on a gig. The girls know he is gone, get upset he won't put them to bed, and go through periods of wakefulness asking if he has come home yet. Sigh!

While I know that days like today are tough on me, they are doubly hard on him. He often feels like he is a stranger in our little group. He is up and out the door at the crack of dawn for the Navy, often being the first in the building, and is the last at leaving his job too. So, the sad reality is that we don't see him very much and when we do get a chance to see him....well, it feels like we're playing catch-up. It definitely puts us in a hard spot as parents, because it can get difficult to keep up with routines, and even harder to discipline. It is quite confusing for all of us. Add to his crazy schedule some nighttime gigs, and it is a whirlwind.

Good thing about this, is that for the most part we discipline the same way. Sometimes just a look is needed and that's enough to get the little monsters to behave. Where it gets crazy is that there might be things that the girls do that are allowed by me and not so much by him. Granted, there has not been that many incidents but as I write this, I remember the night where the girls asked for a quick five minutes playing with their dolls before bed. Granted, it was already a little past their bedtime, they had already bathed and dressed for bed, but they had been in the car a lot that day. I had been running errands and they were having a little bit of a hard time settling down...it made sense to let them okay for five minutes. Daddy did not agree and let them know so. Off to bed they went and it took them a whole two hours to settle down to sleep. I think the look I gave him said it all, but I didn't want to say anything out loud because I could tell he felt bad, especially after the zillionth time that the girls called me into their room to help them with blankets.

This is our norm. We try to get routines down and live around his schedule- he is on duty every day, rain or shine. It does get confusing but the thought of asking him to give up anything related to his music is something we would never do to him. It is his outlet, his gift, and he has to use it. We are so proud of him for all his accomplishments with his job, with his music, and all while providing the best life he can for all of us--he really is Superman. But, as everyone knows, even Superman has a bad day and as I see him get dressed for another gig, I feel bad for him. We've agreed though, that we are going to try our best to keep him more included in our daily successes and failures, so that he doesn't feel like he's a stranger in the house. It makes for lots of text messages, phone calls, and pictures during the day, but I'm sure he appreciates it. It makes for good stories! I mean, who doesn't want to call their Dad to tell them they grabbed a worm, or ate some delicious ice cream? We're making it work, day by day, for all of us. Just add love, laughter, and mayhem. Sounds good to me.

Have you ever been in this position? How did you include your partner in your day-to-day? 

To Sleep Perchance to Dream

Mmm toddler. Mmmm screwed up night time routine since we've been on vacation from school.

I. Will. Not. Sleep.

Shoot me.

For many months Silas (30 months) would be great - bath, milk on the couch, teeth brushing, bed at 8:15, bam. We wouldn't hear from him again until 7 am. Now on vacation it's been delayed a bit and he's still awake at 9:30, 10...Tonight I was making breakfast muffins at 10 and while I was doing the dishes he appeared in the kitchen with Blue (his blanket). "Me help you?" He asked with a small smile. You can help me tomorrow but tonight get your tushy back in bed.

I will be very happy once vacation is over and we'll be back to his regular schedule. It doesn't help that Daddy thinks staying up until 9:30 is ok.

How do you get kids back on schedule after vacation?