Losing Your Self in Parenting

I read a lot of blogs and articles about parenting in my free time (you know, that 5 minutes you have between their bedtime and your bedtime). I was reading an article today about single parenting and 10 women weighed in on the difficult parts of being a single parent. One said it was hard not to lose your "self" in parenting and I thought, "Isn't that hard for everyone?" I mean it may be especially hard when you're the only parent, but I see it in parents who are still with their partner as well.

The "self" can be seen as the part of you that distinguishes you from others. As an adolescent, as a young adult, someone without kids, we are free to define that self as we please. Before I married Mike, before I had kids, I would have defined my self as a psychologist, as a therapist, as a professor, as a crafter (I have always loved to knit and create things from other things, like making a collage), as an academic (I always had my face buried in a book or an article), as a friend, and as a daughter. When I married Mike, I added "wife" to that list, and it changed how I thought about myself and how I thought about what I did. For example, when you go to the grocery store as a single person, you get whatever the hell you want, because why not right? It's you eating it. I used to eat Ramen Noodles and Black Bean Burgers with pepperjack cheese on a bun probably 3 nights a week. I'd buy wine and cosmopolitan mix (and good vodka) and have hair dying parties with lots of alcohol and a good friend as often as possible. Then I got married and even grocery shopping changed - now if I saw something new I wanted to try, I'd grab one, put it in my cart, then a thought would come up, "Maybe Mike might like that too?" so I'd try to find something he would like. It was an adjustment even in just that small area of my life. I read less and spent more time hanging out with my husband. I still used to bring work home with me in the form of papers to grade, and many nights I'd sit alone as he watched TV or while he was working, grading papers. But I'd feel guilty because I wasn't spending all my time with him. So I developed a way to not bring as much work home.

Then we had kids. Well we had Silas. I stayed home with Silas for the first 4 months or so because I had him during summer break. Mike still worked, so I spent a lot more time with Si than he did. I ended up being the one that got up and fed him and changed him. I investigated cloth diapers and started using them. I took him to all his appointments. I washed his diapers. I cooked. I cleaned. I was tired a lot (especially because newborns don't sleep long stretches like us adults need). Rather than going to the store and thinking about what do Mike and I want to eat, I ended up spending some time in the baby section now too. Clothes, formula, gear (swing? bouncer? toddler bed when?) then food (stage 1? stage 2? WTF? Where's my phone, I need to Google that stuff), cups (is he old enough for this one?), silverware, self-feeding, do we need different plates for this little dude? Becoming a parent, having "parent" become part of my self, how I saw myself, was very quick for me. And maybe it is more so for women than it is for men because they carry the baby, they nurse the baby (maybe, if they can), things like that.

But even now, three years after having our first child in April 2010, I'm still the one who does a bulk of what I think of as "parenting prep." I buy Silas' clothes and shoes. I look at Sage and figure out if he's ready to size up (and find the buckets of those clothes and wash them to get them ready for when he does size up). That reminds me, Silas needs 5T pants - it's gotten chilly here and I have 2 pairs of pants for him only. 5T is a B to find! I get home from work and start putting together dinners for everyone - the boys usually eat the same thing and Mike and I eat the same thing. I get pajamas ready so that when baths are done PJs and diapers are ready to go. I make sure post-bath milk cups are ready. I do the laundry so everyone has clean clothes. I clean up after dinner (sometimes with Mike, sometimes without). I wash diapers. I wash the boys' wool PJs. Mike does baths. We wrangle wet boys. They drink milk, watch a show, then we brush teeth and read a book. Then the bedtime struggle ensues (for Silas). Now it's, "But I have to poop!" He's gotten up to use the potty twice since I sat down to write this. Mike thinks it's a stall tactic but most nights he does actually poop.

That's me (not really)

So where is the "self" in all of this? I mean sure you can see how I define my self in relation to my children. I'm their Mommy, Momma, Mamama (Sage). I spend most of my time doing for others, and most days I'm fine with that. Every once in a while I wish I could go back to that time where I sat on my couch in my attic apartment in Providence, RI and knitted until I was tired and went to bed when I wanted to (rather than going to bed because everyone else is finally in bed and I'm quite literally brain exhausted). I go running some days. I exercise at least 30 minutes a day (but usually there's at least one child attempting to "help" or copy me). I blog (at 10 p.m. under a camouflage blanket where nobody can see me). I've been reading the same "for fun" book since June. And no it's not 1,000 pages long.

My kids aren't old enough yet for sports and we don't know enough kids for play dates, so I'm betting that the time I spend with them watching movies or playing dinosaurs (today it was rockets) will change and I'll spend my time driving them to and fro. I don't see the amount of time I have to spend on "me" or even with my husband changing any time soon. I wish I could change it just a little bit, but if I did I think I'd feel guilty. I work 40+ hours per week. Mike worked 55 hours last week. The boys hang with their nanny more than they do with us. We see them for an hour in the morning (and that's "get dressed and get your butts in the car") and three and a half hours at night, and that's it on the week days. Weekends we spend more time together, but I feel as if that's "make up" for all the time we didn't spend Monday - Friday.

In the end, as a parent, any parent, single or not, it's hard not to lose your self in parenting. It's hard to not focus on "being someone's Mom" and to instead focus on what you as a human, as an adult, want. I bet that's why people have trouble with "empty nest syndrome" or whatever you want to call it - once you don't have your kids to define you anymore, what do you do? Who are you? It's like you need to rebuild that self from the ground up.

What do you think that you can do to maintain some sense of "self" as a parent? Do you think it's possible?

Full moon fever

Last night, I was woken up by the Pixy at 3am: "Is it full moon time yet, Mama?" Nope, not yet, get back to bed! At our house, full moon time is always marked by a couple things: misbehavior by the wolves, i.e. dominance plays, howling randomly, wolfy behavior...you get the idea, and my spawn goes wild. I am not kidding! The girls energy level ramps up and they can't sleep, their appetite goes off, and my house turns into a zoo.

Back home in Puerto Rico, my family would say that full moon fever hits children and animals strongest, because they are so sensitive to nature and her rhythms. Something with the ground being close to their center of gravity, you know, they are 'in touch' with the Earth. I remember my uncles watching the calendar and watching the tides, too. They were fishermen and would often say that the full moon played havoc on their night fishing. This is usually about the time that they would come back with tales of mermaids, or shark attacks('Never swim where a female shark roams!'), or one night when they saw a drug deal going down in the ocean! Can you believe it? So, for me, being respectful of the full moon and her powers, is really second nature. I didn't know that this information would come in handy when I got older.

My personal big bad wolf and lord of our little wolf pack, Kai, goes very wolfy at full moon. He starts to do naughty things all over the place. This morning, I was nipped on the butt for shuffling by him, half-asleep I might add, and not greeting him. He opens trash cans, opens doors, climbs into beds to randomly wake up the occupants. He will hunt me when we go to the backyard and get extremely protective of the girls. You would think he would hunt down the girls--they're easy prey after all. But noooo. Kai likes to hunt his pack leader down, pregnancy is not an obstacle. In other words, if Kai was human, he would totally punch a guy with glasses. HAHA! I digress... I will go outside and about four steps into the backyard, I realize that everything has gone deathly quiet. No sounds whatsoever. This of course means, I need to brace myself because Kai is lying in wait somewhere around me. Sigh! Then, with no warning, BAM! He nips my butt, grab my ankles, and yes...he tries to pull my pants off. Randy wolf! It is actually kind of funny, but when you are on the receiving end of 100+lbs of wolf love, it can get frustrating. A few strong words on my part quickly calm him down and he is back to trying to figure out when to attack me next. Juneau, on the other hand, follows Kai's lead. He waits in the wings and then runs around in excitement. He is still getting the hang of full moon fever. Poor boy was forever tied to a chain when we rescued him, so he loves the feel of open space much better than silly wolf games.

All of the cubs (as they are lovingly called by family friends), wait with excitement and crazy anticipation for full moon night because it is the one night of the month when we go outside when it is dark enough for moonlight to shine over everything and we howl together. It is a way to get the energy out, worship the moon(who, I am sure appreciates it), and scare the neighbors silly. It truly is terrifying to hear Kai and Juneau howl and be accompanied by other howls too--even if they are human howls. There is something very primitive, powerful, and refreshing about letting it all out. Our old neighbors got used to it and though they wouldn't howl with us, would sit outside and just admire the moon. Our silly little family ritual rubbed off! They often said it took our little band of misfits to get them back in touch with nature. Woohoo! More power to us!

Tonight will be much the same as every other full moon night, with the exception that it is a new house, with new neighbors. But also, because we are actually in the countryside now! We might get some interesting answers back! Whoever hears an answer back first, gets a prize. Here's hoping I hear it first! Last full moon, Kai and Pixy banded together and won an ice cream before bed..cheaters. I hope that in spite of the silliness of this ritual, once the spawn grows up, they remember it and create something similar for their children. Sometimes, family legends get started this way.

Does your family have any traditions that are fun? Were they superstitious? Tell us all about it! We might use your tradition soon! 

Going Amish

We all have that happy place we go to. Most of the time for me, it's in a book. I love to get away from it all while in the comfort of my reading nook. Sometimes though....you really do need to physically get away. Just for a break. Lately, it seems I need to do that STAT. My special escape is not too far of a drive away from my house, I can get to it in an hour and a half. It's quiet, relaxing, has some good eats, and great friendly people. Yup, we like to escape to Lancaster, PA, or Amish country.

I know, I know. You're saying right now: "You go Amish?" Yes, we really do. We've been going to Amish country for years now and when we want to disconnect from the world, that's the best place to do it. It's like a little slice of peace pie when you go there. Life runs at the speed of a buggy, the day starts very early, and winds down at dinner time. Perfect! And this is coming from a night owl, ok?

While we are still Englischers (non Amish) to the friends we've made there, we try to respect their rules, so we don't offend anyone. We put cell phones away, take no pictures of any kind, and try to dress in colors and styles that are close to what they would wear. The Amish ladies always laugh that they can't tell our girls apart from theirs, as they are barefoot in dresses and bonnets, running around with the rest of the children. I always find that to be a nice compliment...I mean, there are worse things to be than dirty right? A little Tide and a good scrubbing takes care of that.

Truth is, we hold a special place in our hearts for Amish country and our Amish friends. When Banshee was 5 or 6 months old, she couldn't keep any commercial baby food down, even though we'd gotten the go ahead from the pediatrician. We decided to get away from life back home and ended up in the old schoolhouse, with a baby that was vomiting everything and would go catatonic almost after. Some Amish lady friends saw Banshee's problem and made her some homemade baby food. It was the first meal that Banshee kept down, along with breast milk, and she got fat during that trip very fast. It was a godsend. So, after that, we religiously went up every weekend to the farms to get our groceries. It has been a routine/tradition ever since the girls have known, and a fun one for the Sailor, who had never been exposed to that culture before.

While we are there, we visit the farms and see what's new with life: at the Esh farm, there's a new calf and a new quilt finished, at the Lapp place the ice cream is ready to eat, the Fishers have a cookbook out now and the best pretzels ever, Mr. Stolzfus has some yummy bacon burgers out in the freezer, pop by Zook's fabrics and talk cloth diapers with some of the Amish mamas there(yup, I got them on the cloth train again. They'd gone the disposable route), and at Bluegate farm, the shoofly pie is ready to eat. Of course, a visit wouldn't be complete without stopping by a local playground, where we can play with the Amish children, I can read my book, Sailor can eat a whoopie pie, and we can watch everyone cruise by in their buggies for an end-of-day treat. It's a different kind of fun, you know?

I always feel refreshed after a trip there. Almost like the simplicity of things, helps my brain to run on actual time and not hyper speed.  I'm sure Banshee feels the same way! Some of our Amish friends always tell her its ok to not like being around people(how they interpret autism), because they don't much like being around lots of people either. I think she likes that she can go at her own speed there and not struggle to catch up, while Pixy just fits right in. She asks questions, makes friends, and bounces along as she always does. Sailor likes to turn off his "music brain" and talk about landscaping and the outdoors with folks there, something he loves to do. So, it is always nice to reboot that way.

This doesn't mean I haven't made an ass of myself while there. I've had a breeze come by and blow my skirt up over my head one time while walking. I fell off the porch of a farm with an armload of whoopie pies that ended up in my face. I lost my shoes (I've been doing this since childhood, don't ask why), in a field and ended up needing to get new ones before we left. Oh!! My personal favorite, I got stuck on top of a mule because my dress got tangled. Yup....sigh!! At least, I know how to laugh at myself and laugh along with others, even though its at my own expense. My little family just shakes their head and says: Mama's always doing crazy things like that. Thing is, they're right. I think Amish country, though different, reminds me a lot of life in Puerto Rico. I want my girls to know that feeling and way of life. I think it's great. Now, let me go warm up the truck for the trip up.

                               Do you have a getaway spot to reboot? Tell us all about it! :) 

Top Ten Mommy Student Experiences

I'm currently finishing my PhD in psychology. I'm actually finishing up my dissertation. The quick and dirty on that is that I've done a research study, gathered my data, written a large chunk of a book (which will end up about 200 pages), and now I'm finishing up my last two chapters. My first draft of my final two chapters was due last Friday. So what do you experience as a student Mommy?

1. You're working on your school work and the 3 year old comes in and finds a loose sheet of paper and grabs a marker. You can either give up and escort him out or risk him coloring something important. Either way, something bad is going to happen. There will be a tantrum if you try to uproot the child or you'll have a colored on study guide. You give up. For now.

2. It's easiest to do school work when the kids are in bed, for sure. But by 8:30 pm you're so tired because the 1 year old was up 4 times last night with a fever that you're more interested in sleep.

3. You lay in bed feeling guilty for not doing your homework tonight. 

4. You've broken 3 DVRs because you've overloaded them with your shows and kid shows. You intended to watch your shows but realize you're three weeks behind on The Glades and Perception and they've both ended for the summer.

5. You feel badly asking your significant other to watch the kids so you can work.

6. When you do take off to work you are barraged with calls of "Where's mommy? Mommmmmyyyy! Where arrrre you?"

7. Cooking dinner while reading a journal article seemed like a good idea at the time. Then you're frustrated, dinner's burned, the kids are screaming, "I wanna watch Mike the Knight!" and you're ordering pizza. And nobody got jack done.

8. Reading period. Now that's a joke. I took Advanced Inferential Statistics and wanted ball gags for everyone else and noise canceling headphones for myself. Instead you learn to skim while sitting on the toilet for 5 minutes until the small hand comes under the bathroom door. "Mommy?"

9. Cleaning involves running the vacuum on Saturday before the 1 year old's 11 am nap and the 3 year old's 1 pm nap. You are chased around the house by two dogs who decide to eat the vacuum and two little boys who cover their ears and cry. You vacuum around things rather than move them because really, who does that anyway? Every time you clean you think about how you should be studying and ponder hiring a cleaning service. Then you think about how you'd be embarrassed and feel the need to clean before the cleaner got there and really, that's just silly.

10. "Mommy you sit an watch Toy Story with me?" I can't today baby boy, Mommy has to do work. Guilt. Sadness. Remember, you're doing this to be a good role model and to provide for the Small People. So says your brain. But you still feel like crap.

Are you a Mommy or Daddy Student? What experiences have you had recently that I didn't put on the list?

What We Learned This Week - September 8th Edition

Another day another dollar...what did you learn this week?

Robyn: 

1. I've learned about a gadget update: I receive deals via email for local stuff. This week, I opened my inbox to find a car seat swivel tray on sale. Are you thinking car seat for a child? That's what I thought! So they can sit quietly in the backseat and eat their happy meal while mommy is driving with hands at 10 and 2, playing her favorite tunes! Hold up, that's not what's going down...EVER! (Just trying to be real here) Seriously, But NO! This is a seat swivel tray that attaches to the cup holders, that the driver can vegetate off of while commuting. To the purchasers of such ridiculousness: Eat up Fatties. Nobody will be surprised if you drive off a cliff while texting from your swivel tray, either! SMH.

2. I've learned how much busier life can get in the matter of a week. I got a call with a really good job offer starting in a few weeks (which puts 3 out of 4 kids in daycare, and time for running errands on the weekends, and finishing up my degree next year...) teenage turd has extra curricular stuff 3 nights a week, husband is finishing his masters degree (2 nights a week), and T-Ball starts in 3 weeks for kinder turd. I guess that leaves one thing for me to do...put on my cape and rock this! 

3. Last but not least, I've learned to take time for myself. Even if it's while the baby is napping during the week (that 'sleep when the baby does' advice is not for me!) 30-45 minutes of Insanity has given me a huge burst of energy throughout the day. Plus, i notice that the floor needs to be swept while doing pushups! Right after, I am like jello going up the stairs. But, it's motivation to not be a dent in the couch while lactic acid is building up in my muscles (that's where soreness comes from) I push through the workout and hmm...the house has been cleaner and laundry has been done since Tuesday! Imagine that! Plus, a mani-pedi Sat morning totally went down! Ahhh(sigh of relief), clean house and polished toes...this mama's in total bliss!!!

Lisa:

1. The girls were having a hard time with this move. They were very sad about the old house, so we got them to help with packing things into the truck, so they could get some sense of closure. They said their goodbyes to the house this morning and are asleep now in their new room in the new house. Feels good to know just how resilient they are. 

2. It's ok to take a break. Part of being pregnant is getting easily exhausted and for me a huge problem. I feel like I don't do enough, that I could be doing more to help out, and I find myself on the brink of exhaustion. With everything going on here, I realized that I was doing a lot and I should take it easier. I took some breaks but still a managed to help a bit. Now, if I could only find a long-lasting cure for cankles!! Yeah right. 

3. Neighbors are interesting people! Our old neighbors, which were awesome, could barely say bye to us today as we loaded our last boxes into the truck. We didn't realize how good we'd been as neighbors, until half our block came to wish us good luck. It was intense to say the least! At the new house, we met the new neighbors en masse and they were wonderful! They even brought us a treat as a welcome to the neighborhood. It felt nice but overwhelming to be welcomed that warmly. Always a good thing to learn that there are still really good people around. Now, if I could just figure out their quirks, we're in business.

Liz:
1) I've learned that I can sometimes be a hypocrite. My completed dissertation was due Friday (a schedule that I created myself at the start of this quarter). I got it submitted Friday at 4:22 p.m. I busted butt working on it all this week (even though I did work on it for about 30 minutes a day for the two weeks before that). A former student heard that I had submitted it just under the wire and said, "Huh Liz, you always tell us not to procrastinate but..." And she's right. For most things I'm not a procrastinator but for some reason I'm just tired of this dissertation. I'm ready to be DONE.

2) Sage (14 months) is droppin' the science on us - this kid is spitting out words left and right like it's no 'thang. This past week? Chicken, Mickey (Mouse), dog, ball, go (used contextually correctly), down...that's all I can think of for now. It's amazing how different two children from the same household can be. Silas said "ball" at 12 months and that was it for a while. Child #2 has the advantage of having three role models for language (and behavior) rather than just the 2 that Child #1 had.

3) After going back to work full time (after a summer of teaching just two online classes) I've realized I cannot keep up the pace I had during the summer. Laundry, dishes, cooking, diaper laundry (including wool washing and lanolinizing), grocery shopping, cleaning...after working 40+ hours (many from home at night) is not as simple as it was during the summer. I feel badly, but I'm considering finding someone to come clean the house once a week. Why do I feel bad? For some reason I feel as if I should be able to cut it myself (those damned "shoulds").

4) I need a motivator. Our race got cancelled (the race Robyn and I were supposed to run next Saturday). I'm bummed. Now we need to find another one to register for. I have to say this has slightly decreased my motivation to go running and work out in general. Bummer.

What about you, what have you learned this week?

It's tough being a rock star!

My husband is a rock star. Seriously! He is music's Clark Kent or a robot (we will stick with the Superman thing, I think): he works a great job as a Navy Band musician during the day, but at night he is a freelance musician, mostly working for the awesome group The OJays. Tonight is no exception...he's already on the road into DC for an OJays gig.

It is a great gig for him! He gets to play great music with other musician friends, have a "break" from his crazy work routine, and get to do what he loves. Notice, that I didn't mention our little wolfpack on that sentence. I'm not going to lie, it is tough on me sometimes. Part of me wants to be sitting on the amps listening to the show, but the reality is that nighttime is my break from the day-to-day shuffle. I look forward to sitting on my rocking chair and devouring a novel, but it is difficult on nights that he is away on a gig. The girls know he is gone, get upset he won't put them to bed, and go through periods of wakefulness asking if he has come home yet. Sigh!

While I know that days like today are tough on me, they are doubly hard on him. He often feels like he is a stranger in our little group. He is up and out the door at the crack of dawn for the Navy, often being the first in the building, and is the last at leaving his job too. So, the sad reality is that we don't see him very much and when we do get a chance to see him....well, it feels like we're playing catch-up. It definitely puts us in a hard spot as parents, because it can get difficult to keep up with routines, and even harder to discipline. It is quite confusing for all of us. Add to his crazy schedule some nighttime gigs, and it is a whirlwind.

Good thing about this, is that for the most part we discipline the same way. Sometimes just a look is needed and that's enough to get the little monsters to behave. Where it gets crazy is that there might be things that the girls do that are allowed by me and not so much by him. Granted, there has not been that many incidents but as I write this, I remember the night where the girls asked for a quick five minutes playing with their dolls before bed. Granted, it was already a little past their bedtime, they had already bathed and dressed for bed, but they had been in the car a lot that day. I had been running errands and they were having a little bit of a hard time settling down...it made sense to let them okay for five minutes. Daddy did not agree and let them know so. Off to bed they went and it took them a whole two hours to settle down to sleep. I think the look I gave him said it all, but I didn't want to say anything out loud because I could tell he felt bad, especially after the zillionth time that the girls called me into their room to help them with blankets.

This is our norm. We try to get routines down and live around his schedule- he is on duty every day, rain or shine. It does get confusing but the thought of asking him to give up anything related to his music is something we would never do to him. It is his outlet, his gift, and he has to use it. We are so proud of him for all his accomplishments with his job, with his music, and all while providing the best life he can for all of us--he really is Superman. But, as everyone knows, even Superman has a bad day and as I see him get dressed for another gig, I feel bad for him. We've agreed though, that we are going to try our best to keep him more included in our daily successes and failures, so that he doesn't feel like he's a stranger in the house. It makes for lots of text messages, phone calls, and pictures during the day, but I'm sure he appreciates it. It makes for good stories! I mean, who doesn't want to call their Dad to tell them they grabbed a worm, or ate some delicious ice cream? We're making it work, day by day, for all of us. Just add love, laughter, and mayhem. Sounds good to me.

Have you ever been in this position? How did you include your partner in your day-to-day? 

Techy Parent and Techy Policies

I'm the type of person that loves my tech...sometimes too much. Macbook Pro, iPhone 5, Google Nexus 7 tablet (what no iPad?!). While I've never been an early tech adopter, I'm a "pretty quickly" adopter, so I've tried a lot and I'm also willing to let something go if it's not meeting my needs. I have, let's just say, a very active eBay account. If something doesn't work for me, it goes. I won't sit on it (except my first Dell laptop which is a useless paperweight which I still can't get myself to get rid of).

As a parent and a parent who thinks about how they parent intentionally, this brings up a good question - how do you juggle tech and kids? Do you put policies in place (no cell phones at the dinner table), do you have "times" (cell phones only after the kids go to bed), do you integrate tech (even the kids have their own iPads and can order kiddy Netflicks if they so choose)...there are lots of options and lots of questions that you wrestle with as a parent. I really try to think, "What am I teaching my sons by doing this?" If I'm watching a movie with them and am on Facebook messaging with the other Mamas, what am I saying to my 3-year-old?

My personal policy is to try to avoid social media type tech when my kids are awake and playing with me. If they're playing together I may hop on my phone and check FB or my email (especially over the weekend when my students have these huge horrific problems - I call it "being on fire" and Mike jokes that I have to check to make sure my students aren't on fire). If they're napping...usually I'm napping, but if I'm not I can be found working on a blog post or cruising mommy blogs.

What I don't want my kids to learn is that this "other stuff" comes before them. Now, don't get me wrong, if I'm typing an email to my Dad and Silas comes up wanting something RIGHT NOW I will definitely give him the, "I'm typing to Grandpa and will be done in one minute. If you can wait one minute, I will help you. Thank you for being patient with me." But unless absolutely necessary I never want to appear to my kids that "this thing" is more important than what's going on in front of me or around me. I want to be as present as possible, especially right now when these little boys have such amazing stories to tell me.

What's your parenting and tech policy? Do you think technology has influenced your relationships with your children or spouse for the better or for the worse?

On being "The other parent"

Confession time! Well, maybe just one! At 18, I was young, dumb, stupid and thought the world owed me something. I had that 'I can't wait til I can get my own apartment (with what credit at 18?) land an awesome job (with no education?), buy a new car (with tip money from waiting tables?) and be on my own. What was I thinking?! That was the problem: I wasn't.

Fast forward 10 years. Every Thursday night and every other weekend, my boys (from a previous marriage) get to spend time with Bio dad. Fortunately, he is actively involved in their lives. He attends parent teacher conferences and sports games. Unfortunately for me, he spoils them rotten. The boys run the house at their dads. They climb on counters to get suckers, start fires in the grill just to put them out with a water hose (grr...so much for us teaching fire safety!), and eat dinner in separate beds while watching their iPads. They tell their dad and step-mom how the weekend will go. "I want to do this. I want to go here. I want a Red Bull..."( I was livid when I got that phone call!) Then, they get every single request granted. They get every over-sized plush toy and trendy accessory out there. When one of their pillow pets breaks, the Bio's reply "Oh, we'll just get you another one" I can't forget their birthday presents? Kasen got an iPhone at 3, and Sean got a digital camera at 5. (Eye roll) My boys get to spend their summers at theme parks with wind in their hair, daily mall visits, and swimming pools at water parks. Every year, it's season passes to a theme park just to visit the pool. No doubt a great way for them to cool off on these hot summer days! The repercussion? Sean loves repetition and has anxiety when something isn't in his normal daily schedule. When we all try to make a day of Sea World to see the animal shows and eventually land in the water park, Sean freaks out the moment we walk in the gates. He repeats "We go to the water" from the instant we get there, and doesn't understand "Not right now". Even "First, 3 animal shows, then the water" doesn't work. This causes more anxiety and over stimulates his senses. He goes into sensory overload, and nothing can calm him down. We usually end up leaving the park shortly after. Meh. 

When they come home even from a weekend of free reign, it's usually a 48 hour adjustment period. Their manners are out the window. They don't want to follow our rules. Just because they don't 'want' to do somethings at our house...doesn't mean JACK. For example, bringing toys to the dinner table just isn't allowed at our house. That time is family time. No TV, no phones, and definitely no toys at the table. But, they always try to sneak them by. Our lives are busy enough with picking up and dropping off kids at sports, ROTC practice, Choir camp, and boy scouts. (Hello taxi Mom!) This is the one time a day to gather, pray and get quality time in. After all, it's our job is to raise smart and productive children. Therefore, we have to be the mean ones. I don't let them forgot how to use 'sir' and 'ma'am'. I say no to TV watching for more than an hour at a time. I tell them to go make the outdoors be their iPad. (Just plain mean right?) They are reminded to put their plates in the dishwasher, pick up their toys, clean their rooms and make their beds. Chores? Yes, they have them. Mowing the grass, taking out the compost (for the garden), and sweeping the floor are all done once a week. They don't get daily shopping trips, or new toys because they were 'a good boy today'. They get weekend trips to the beach, and family vacations to Disney World for having integrity throughout the year.

It must be hard to live with two sets of rules as a child. Knowing that you get everything you ask for at one place, and getting everything to sustain you at another. Hearing 'I want to go to dads' from my kids when they are in trouble is rough. It breaks my heart because we can't be the 24/7 fun house. Our home has to be structured, have rules and I have to be more than just their friend. Mike and I provide love, encourage creativity and teach them how to entertain themselves. We are truly the lucky ones. While someone else can only buy the memories, we get to create them. 

What experiences have you overcome while trying to co-parent from separate households?