What We Learned (October 13, 2013 Edition)

It's Sunday again. Do these weeks seem to fly by for anyone else? It feels as if we just wrote one of these not too long ago... So what did the Mamas learn this week? What did you learn about yourself, the world, or parenting? Be sure to comment below and let us know. Good, bad, or ugly,we want to hear it.

Liz:
- I learned that my blog posts get my Mom to think about her self and her life and email me and tell me all about them (which I appreciate). It's interesting to think that through reading your child's blog you can learn about them and vice versa. Keep the emails coming Mom!

- I'm learning about how to use HootSuite this week. If you're a blogger and you use Hootsuite, what are your suggestions for how to use it effectively?

Big boy, playing elsewhere

- I've found that I'm still uncomfortable with Silas going and playing at the neighbor's house. It's not that I don't trust the neighbors or I don't think they're good people. Not at all. It's that I almost feel guilty that they're watching my son. Now mind you, the kids he's playing with are a year and two years older so it's kind of like the other kids are watching him. And apparently he's a very pleasant, helpful, and well-mannered guest (according to the Dad). But it still feels weird. When did you as a parent feel OK about play dates at other people's houses?





Lisa:
- I learned that prenatal vitamins need to be kept away from my wolves. Kai decided to eat some. Granted, his coat looks shiny but the fact remains the handsome devil shouldn't be messing with my pill bottle. Gonna need to put the bottles even higher now. Siiiigh.

- I'm doing a read along of one of my favorite series until the new book comes out. I forgot how much joy I get from discussing new finds in a book I've read a zillion times. It is a good break from the daily things we do.

- I learned that I need to trust in my parenting. We took the girls to a wedding where they were the only two littles there. I think I worried that they would be naughty through it, they got restless a few times. It felt good to hear another friend say how good they behaved. It helps to ease your fears a bit. You're doing the best you can and it shows. Awesome.

Robyn:

College football is actually good. I hated football with a passion a few years. Professional football that is! I've never learned the rules of the game, and don't understand why there are so many breaks! So, Gig 'em Aggies, I guess! 

I've learned that sometimes I just need to take a back road (just like the country song goes). I like to take a break from everyday 'on-the-go' life with a clear road and the seldom cars passing. Going one speed is good. How do you get there? Interstate, to highway, to rural road, to country road. You're welcome. 

I've learned that doggy siting two dachshunds this week is fun, but work! They come from a house where they get table scraps and are on self feeders. Here, not so much! It was work during their eating times, and bathroom breaks outside. Oh, and separating the dachshund mounting our golden retriever! "Mom, what's Dixie doing to Gunner?" Well, son...

So now it's your turn - what did you learn? You don't have to make a list, you can Comment below with one thing you learned.

Losing Your Self in Parenting

I read a lot of blogs and articles about parenting in my free time (you know, that 5 minutes you have between their bedtime and your bedtime). I was reading an article today about single parenting and 10 women weighed in on the difficult parts of being a single parent. One said it was hard not to lose your "self" in parenting and I thought, "Isn't that hard for everyone?" I mean it may be especially hard when you're the only parent, but I see it in parents who are still with their partner as well.

The "self" can be seen as the part of you that distinguishes you from others. As an adolescent, as a young adult, someone without kids, we are free to define that self as we please. Before I married Mike, before I had kids, I would have defined my self as a psychologist, as a therapist, as a professor, as a crafter (I have always loved to knit and create things from other things, like making a collage), as an academic (I always had my face buried in a book or an article), as a friend, and as a daughter. When I married Mike, I added "wife" to that list, and it changed how I thought about myself and how I thought about what I did. For example, when you go to the grocery store as a single person, you get whatever the hell you want, because why not right? It's you eating it. I used to eat Ramen Noodles and Black Bean Burgers with pepperjack cheese on a bun probably 3 nights a week. I'd buy wine and cosmopolitan mix (and good vodka) and have hair dying parties with lots of alcohol and a good friend as often as possible. Then I got married and even grocery shopping changed - now if I saw something new I wanted to try, I'd grab one, put it in my cart, then a thought would come up, "Maybe Mike might like that too?" so I'd try to find something he would like. It was an adjustment even in just that small area of my life. I read less and spent more time hanging out with my husband. I still used to bring work home with me in the form of papers to grade, and many nights I'd sit alone as he watched TV or while he was working, grading papers. But I'd feel guilty because I wasn't spending all my time with him. So I developed a way to not bring as much work home.

Then we had kids. Well we had Silas. I stayed home with Silas for the first 4 months or so because I had him during summer break. Mike still worked, so I spent a lot more time with Si than he did. I ended up being the one that got up and fed him and changed him. I investigated cloth diapers and started using them. I took him to all his appointments. I washed his diapers. I cooked. I cleaned. I was tired a lot (especially because newborns don't sleep long stretches like us adults need). Rather than going to the store and thinking about what do Mike and I want to eat, I ended up spending some time in the baby section now too. Clothes, formula, gear (swing? bouncer? toddler bed when?) then food (stage 1? stage 2? WTF? Where's my phone, I need to Google that stuff), cups (is he old enough for this one?), silverware, self-feeding, do we need different plates for this little dude? Becoming a parent, having "parent" become part of my self, how I saw myself, was very quick for me. And maybe it is more so for women than it is for men because they carry the baby, they nurse the baby (maybe, if they can), things like that.

But even now, three years after having our first child in April 2010, I'm still the one who does a bulk of what I think of as "parenting prep." I buy Silas' clothes and shoes. I look at Sage and figure out if he's ready to size up (and find the buckets of those clothes and wash them to get them ready for when he does size up). That reminds me, Silas needs 5T pants - it's gotten chilly here and I have 2 pairs of pants for him only. 5T is a B to find! I get home from work and start putting together dinners for everyone - the boys usually eat the same thing and Mike and I eat the same thing. I get pajamas ready so that when baths are done PJs and diapers are ready to go. I make sure post-bath milk cups are ready. I do the laundry so everyone has clean clothes. I clean up after dinner (sometimes with Mike, sometimes without). I wash diapers. I wash the boys' wool PJs. Mike does baths. We wrangle wet boys. They drink milk, watch a show, then we brush teeth and read a book. Then the bedtime struggle ensues (for Silas). Now it's, "But I have to poop!" He's gotten up to use the potty twice since I sat down to write this. Mike thinks it's a stall tactic but most nights he does actually poop.

That's me (not really)

So where is the "self" in all of this? I mean sure you can see how I define my self in relation to my children. I'm their Mommy, Momma, Mamama (Sage). I spend most of my time doing for others, and most days I'm fine with that. Every once in a while I wish I could go back to that time where I sat on my couch in my attic apartment in Providence, RI and knitted until I was tired and went to bed when I wanted to (rather than going to bed because everyone else is finally in bed and I'm quite literally brain exhausted). I go running some days. I exercise at least 30 minutes a day (but usually there's at least one child attempting to "help" or copy me). I blog (at 10 p.m. under a camouflage blanket where nobody can see me). I've been reading the same "for fun" book since June. And no it's not 1,000 pages long.

My kids aren't old enough yet for sports and we don't know enough kids for play dates, so I'm betting that the time I spend with them watching movies or playing dinosaurs (today it was rockets) will change and I'll spend my time driving them to and fro. I don't see the amount of time I have to spend on "me" or even with my husband changing any time soon. I wish I could change it just a little bit, but if I did I think I'd feel guilty. I work 40+ hours per week. Mike worked 55 hours last week. The boys hang with their nanny more than they do with us. We see them for an hour in the morning (and that's "get dressed and get your butts in the car") and three and a half hours at night, and that's it on the week days. Weekends we spend more time together, but I feel as if that's "make up" for all the time we didn't spend Monday - Friday.

In the end, as a parent, any parent, single or not, it's hard not to lose your self in parenting. It's hard to not focus on "being someone's Mom" and to instead focus on what you as a human, as an adult, want. I bet that's why people have trouble with "empty nest syndrome" or whatever you want to call it - once you don't have your kids to define you anymore, what do you do? Who are you? It's like you need to rebuild that self from the ground up.

What do you think that you can do to maintain some sense of "self" as a parent? Do you think it's possible?

Things We Learned This Week (August 11, 2013 edition)

What have the mamas learned about life, parenting, and the mix this week? Read on. At the end feel free to add what you've learned by adding a comment - we'd love to hear from you!

Robyn:

1. Forceable love

My 14 year old son, Bailey, and 5 year old son, Kasen, have had some difficulty getting along lately. They bicker and complain constantly (ex."He hates me" "No I don't" "Yes you do" "No I don't" "You said you did" "No I didn't") I now know how my mother felt all those years that my brother and I did the same thing. It just makes me want to pull my hair out, and lock them in a closet with a juice box and some Cheetos until they work it out themselves! DING!!!  In my head, my creative parenting lightning bolt turns on. I'll make them work together. Instead of being a bully, I offered the choice of being grounded for electronics for a week (which is like death according to my teen) or to teach his brother some board games. They both didnt want to do it, cried like babies, and then an hour later, I hear laughter. Ahhh...Bliss! Then today, they even hugged each other!  Mom-1, kids-0

2. Put that thing away!

 I'm always looking at the newest things people come up with. Gadgets and gizmos of plenty...whozits and whatzits galore (can you name the Disney movie? Little Mermaid!) It never fails that every time I see a 'as seen on TV' item in the local grocery store, I think two things: 1. OMG I NEED THAT! 2. Does it really work? Reality sets in with thought #2, and then I turn and walk away. The latest seen gadget blew my mind. Have you heard of mouth guards? What about toe guards? What about CAMEL TOE GUARDS? That's right ladies. I've learned that there IS such a thing. You can get your very own Cuchini! Your 'V' cleavage is noticed, but you should buy bigger yoga pants or (seriously) hide that shit. Or maybe you like to advertise that moose knuckle. But please, I beg of you do everyone else a favor and buy a Cuchini!

3. What's really in BC?

Taking birth control in the pill form sucks. It's not the physically taking it part that's bothersome. It's the remembering to take it. Everyday. Around the same time. I can barely remember if I showered and brushed my teeth today! As I was taking my vitamins and BC in the dark kitchen the other night, I felt a pill slip and heard it hit the floor. Oh No! Instantly, I hit the ground like a soldier in the field. Trying to get eye level with the tile, my husband says, "What are you doing?" I frantically replied "I dropped my BC. I have to find it. We can't have another baby! I need it. Help me please! Gotta find it (as I'm bearcrawling through my kitchen)" To which he says "Huh. Maybe BC really does have crack in it."

Lisa:
1) Hard work really does pay off. I worked hard on a photobook for Banshee's first official year of school and it turned out really great. Better than I expected. Seriously loving on Shutterfly right now!

2)Sometimes taking a break just to play together is a blessing in disguise. We all decided to hang out in our bed and have a tickle fight. It was awesome and gave us the energy to continue packing all our things into boxes.

3) Taking 15 minutes to clean one spot in the house, really does help me out. I have been attempting this FlyLady program for years; it hasn't really worked. Mainly because I am tired. But, this 15 minute cleaning has really helped me out this time! Especially now that our house is constantly being visited by  inspectors in preparation for the move.

4) Take time to commune with nature. The girls and I like to take nature walks and bug safaris. It is during this time that we really listen to the sounds of nature and just learn to take a minute to breathe...until one of the wolves ends up jumping off the observation deck into the pond while chasing a goose. Sigh! :)

Liz:
1) My 1-year-old hates shoes. Like hates them. He won't walk with them on. He'll crawl instead and cry the whole time. Really kid? So I've started putting socks on his feet all the damn time so that he gets the idea. Sometime soon hopefully we'll graduate to shoes without drama.

2) I tell everyone else not to procrastinate but man, if procrastinating working on my dissertation was a job, I'd be on the cover of Forbes. Here's the sad part. Once I sit down and write, I'm great, I can do it for hours. It's the forcing myself to open the file folder full of interview transcripts that is daunting I guess. I'm forcing myself to do one per day (at least reading, coding, and writing about the data). I will be done. I will not be ABD.

3) Telling myself that I have to save money elsewhere because gas for the Pilot is literally 3x as expensive as the Prius is hard. I didn't do very well this week. Mike's laptop died so I bought him a tablet...and a keyboard...and one for myself (to work on the blog, ya?) and a keyboard for me, because that's fair...here's the funny part. That same day Mike came home and told me he'd gotten assigned two projects at work that required a database program or at least Excel but the computer he used at work only did ordering. "Aw what if I told you you could do them on Google Docs and save it to Google Drive and access it anywhere?" Well that would be great, he responded. "OK good, our tablets arrive Friday." Liz for the win!

What did you learn this week? We'd love to hear about it - add it in the Comments section!

I said No (and I Meant It)

You probably know at least one person who has this problem saying no, either at work or at home (or with their unruly kids). Erm look in the mirror - is that the person you were thinking of?

It is for me. Here's my problem: my brain wants to be busy (so yeah to all requests!) but my mental energy, my personality, needs a break every day. I can't go go go. I can't. I go to conferences for work and it's just people people people back to back insane and there's Liz...taking a break in her room.

If my calendar has one "extra" item (extra meaning not the classes I teach or office hours), I'm OK. Two extras...mmm three...errrr. Any higher and I go home and feel as if I have nothing left to give anyone. And this feeling of anxiety sits by my lungs and I just want to sit somewhere quiet by myself.

So that's the first problem. Here's the second: I'm apparently competent when I do say yes. People keep asking me to do stuff. Even when I'm not on contract (such as during the summer) I get asked to do stuff. 

And that leads to the third problem - I tend to say yes to everything people ask me to do (because I feel guilty if I don't). After Sage was born, I started recognizing how my behaviors influenced my stress and that influenced my home life, my stress, and my boys. Not cool.

If this is you too, how can we avoid the Over Yes-ing (when possible)? First, keep your calendar(s) up to date. I have my work Outlook, my Gmail (personal), and my paper schedule book (I love laper for some reason) all synced and updated. That way if anyone asks if I can do X, I can check what else I've got going on that day. If there's a conflict or it would send you over the edge energy-wise, suggest moving the date to a day you have clear (or clear-er). If that's not possible, think about the necessity of this event. You may be thinking, "Couldn't that take some time?" And you'd be right, so saying, "Let me get back to you by 3 pm by email" would give you that time to think about your role in this activity. Are you necessary? If not, would it be a work or career foible to say no? Is this an annual thing, could you offer to do the next one but just not this one? Could someone else do it (and stop thinking "but I'd do it better" - we're talking about decreasing your over-scheduling here). 

If the answers of the Magic 8Ball indicate that you must go, see if you can move around anything else that's scheduled. Tell your spouse that any expectations of you for that day are going to get sacked because you may be left with nothing energy-wise. Better yet, discuss with them your conundrum before agreeing to it (if possible). I am usually the one who picks up the boys after daycare - if I know my day is full, I will warn Mike and ask him what he wants fast-food wise for dinner.

#AnotherSaturdayOuting Without Me?

Another #AnotherSaturdayOuting! 

Last Saturday Silas went with Uncles Nic and Carlos to the duck pond. I told him the day before about the plan and he said, "Reawy!" He was very excited. He told me he wanted to "hold dem" and I said that probably he would have trouble catching a duckling to hold. He was sad. 

Nic and Carlos picked him up and took him to feed the ducks (I gave him a hoagie roll to break up for them). He enjoyed feeding them and actually got to hold some! Carlos sent me pics throughout their time and when I saw him holding them I smiled for him but became concerned about his...erm...grip. Carlos said the ducks were fine.

Feedin' the ducks

Holding a duck

No animals were hurt

They played on the playground for a bit, and then had Chic-fil-A for lunch and played in the play space. Silas was exhausted when he came home. But he had fun and that, my friends, is all that matters. The experience. The fun.

Sweaty lunch

Play!

Cool!

What fun things have you done this summer? What experiences did your children enjoy the most?

Today We Swam

Silas has been swimming once, a little over a year ago while Daddy and I were hanging out in the NICU with Sage. I figured a fun #anothersaturdayouting would be to go swimming. Friends have a community pool so Silas, Sage, and I invaded this morning while Daddy nursed a hangover.

My big boy

The result? Super fun. Once we realized that Sage's "boat" needed to be blown up and Silas' borrowed vest wouldn't keep him from dunking himself, we were good.

           We splashed out in the kiddie pool, Silas freaked himself out by going under (only to learn...that he could touch bottom), and Silas pulled Sage and his boat around. It was very sweet.

Pushing brother's boat around

It's only 2 feet of water?

Then someone invited Silas into the big pool and he wanted to learn to swim. We floated, and dog paddled, he got out, he got back in (not at the steps - way to freak your mother out)...and finally he attempted to slip in at the far deep end and everyone got to hear my Mommy Voice as I was too far away (and carrying Brother) to jump in to 7 feet after him.

Sage in his boat and our friend Nic

Then we were done. It was almost nap time so the ability to listen dwindles then as parents know. We get in the car and he tells me, "I went under free time Mommy." I know dude. I was there. I pulled you sputtering from the depths of 2 feet of water!

What's the most fun family outing you've done? I need some more Saturday ideas!

#12WeekBlog First Week's Prompt

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Welcome to the first week of the #12weekblog posts. If you’re wondering what that is, it’s a group of bloggers who are all writing about the same topic every week. The prompts are sent out on Monday’s and you have all week to write. Want to join in? Comment on the original post and I’ll get you set up to start!

The prompt for this week:

Why did you start blogging? What have you gained from it since you started? (Or what do you hope to gain from it)?

            I started blogging because I wanted to gain fame and fortune. I wanted people all over the Internet to know my name and herald me as the most amazing writer/blogger out there. I wanted to make tons of money off my sponsored blogs and get huge companies to send me crap to review. I hope you realize I’m chuckling to myself as I type this. Ain’t no way any of that’s happening…nor did I ever expect it to.

            I started blogging because I love writing, first and foremost. And I had gotten very academic about my writing – it was as if I was writing for work or for publication most of the time and that bored me. I have started at least 10 journals. I find them in random spots of the house, two pages written on and then neglected. I saw some blogs from friends and from companies I liked and thought, “Hey, I can type faster than I can talk so maybe online journaling or blogging may be better.” So I started blogging.

            Initially I was just going to write about parenting and environmentalism in the home because I figured I may have something to offer that “community” (of environmentalist parents). But then I started adding in other topics such as hobbies (like cooking and running) and realized those were about parenting too – you have to (HAVE TO) have something else going on in your life if you’re a parent or you will go insane (or more insane than you already are). Or you’ll be that creepy parent who has nothing to talk about but their kids, and everyone avoids them because they don’t want to hear another word about your damned kids.

            What have I gained from blogging since I started? Two things: an outlet for my writing and a new perspective on blogging. If you read through my stuff you’ll see that it’s completely random topic-wise, especially within the past month. And if you’re wondering why the plethora of posts in the past month, I attribute that to the second thing I’ve gained: perspective on blogging. For a year I would come up with these ideas to write on and I’d think, “Nobody cares about that. Nobody wants to read that.” And I’d scrap the idea and wouldn’t post for-ev-er and nobody seemed to care and it was all good (except I didn’t have a writing outlet). Then I realized something. This is my blog. It’s my space. Readers can choose to read or not to. I have no control over that. If people thought I was posting too often or writing about things they didn’t care about, they could unfollow me or stop getting emails about new posts. Meh. But for the people who stayed (and most did), I can tell you I value your input and your support. I really do. Part of the enjoyment I get from blogging is meeting new people who are interested in what I’m interested in.

How did other #12weekblog Challenge participants answer this prompt? Check out Lisa’s and John’s work below when they send me their links. Want to participate? Let me know!

John's post - Why I write from his blog Like It Matters
Lisa's post - On writing, or blogging as it were... from her blog Mama is a She-Wolf

Toddler at a Museum

Sounds like a bad movie right? Snakes on a plane, Toddler in a Museum, ahhhh!

Daddy is an artist and a teacher. Because of those things, I expect that out kids will be involved in art somehow (even if it's just to attend an opening or a show to "show your tribe") so I thought it would be good to get them started on attending different things now.

The McNay offered a program a few Sundays ago where there was a talk about cultural artwork and an activity. We showed up late (unintentionally) so we missed the talk but got to peruse the museum and attend the activity (which involved taking old small toys and building a sculpture out of them, hot gluing the sculpture, and taking home a souvenir).

Now this would have been all fine and good except for two things. It started at 1. Nap time starts at 1. Sage slept through most of it, but Silas stayed awake like the trooper he is. Then when we got to the sculpture building part he wanted to go through all the toys (holding up the line) and he just wanted to play with them (not build a sculpture). Whenever Mike tried to help him build, Silas would take the toys back and play with them. Finally we took a tired toddler out to the car and left his toys for another kid to build with (I felt badly taking toys and not building).

Moral of the story: Si's not ready for this sort of stuff yet and I should have known that and not pushed it. He enjoyed sitting in the stroller and checking out the paintings for a bit, so maybe we'll just stick with that for now. We'll stroll, talk about museum etiquette (you can't touch, stay behind this line, etc.), and look at some cool stuff. Maybe in a few years we can go to the activity portions.

Post-Christmas Ponderings

Ever since I became a parent Christmas has become anxiety-provoking. I know it shouldn't be because it's not about the gifts, I know that in my head really I do. But when I thought about the presents I had for Silas (almost three) this past year, I thought (pre-Christmas), "Well that's not enough."

I remember these huge Christmases at my Gram's. The tree was at one end of the room and the presents came out to the middle of the living room (and that didn't include stocking presents which were in brown paper grocery bags there were so many). Mind you, that was for 9 people. But it's as if I had that image stuck in my head as I was thinking about our Christmas this past year. And I felt badly that I couldn't give Silas that sort of Christmas.

Fast forward to mid-January. Silas had the bulk of the presents under our tree (my parents spoiled him) and after all the anxiety of finding "the best" gifts, he plays the most with two: a set of inflatable dinos (Amazon, $17.99) and a set of cardboard blocks from my parents. The rest of his stuff is either in his toy box ("resting") or broken at this point.

Note to self for next Christmas: don't worry about the gifts. Find him one or two things that he'll enjoy currently and save the rest of the time, energy, and money on something else. Honestly I think he enjoys playing with me and Daddy with the dinos more than anything else. Oh, and deflating them so he and I can use the pump to inflate them again.

The Nanny Olympics – a.k.a. So You Want to Be a Nanny

         Since Sage was born, I’ve realized that it’s difficult for me to get anything house-related (or work-related) done at home while both boys are awake, even if my husband is home. I decided that we would try to find someone to bring into the house once a week on Saturdays to help with wrangling the boys so Mike and I could get some things (such as cleaning) done. Once Mike starts teaching again in September, it will be super helpful to have someone here with me so that I don’t lose my sanity. We also wanted to find someone to watch the boys so that we could go out with our friends – previous to this, the only people who have watched the kids were our friends. And you can’t exactly hang out with them if they’re, you know, watching your kids.

Watch that baby. It's sleeeeping. Upside down.

         I posted an ad on Care.com (and am in no way endorsing that site through this post, but that’s the site I used) and received over twenty emails from potential caregivers in two days. I have to say I was a little overwhelmed by that, but I figured out pretty quickly who to email “No thank you” and who to set up an interview with, and I thought I did a pretty good job (giving myself a pat on the back). After viewing their application emails and profiles, I emailed five women to set up interviews.

         If you follow the blog on Facebook, you’ll know that we had our first interview two Saturdays ago and I joked with the folks in the online community that we were having the Nanny Olympics at our house and the first interview was the prequalifying stage. The first woman I asked for an interview was actually the first person to respond to our ad, and she did so within five minutes of me posting it. In my ad I had purposefully put in some jokes (OK, what I thought was funny) and in her email she responded to the jokes with jokes. She had a professional photo and her descriptions of her experience seemed accurate (as opposed to blown out of proportion). She seemed down to earth so I was excited to meet her.

I sometimes wake up cranky. No I'm serious.

She showed up for her hour-long interview wearing a long-sleeve cardigan, which, since we live in Texas is kind of odd. I answered the door in a tank top and she could see my tattoos. She came in and saw Mike had a lot of tattoos as well, and you could see her visibly relax. “My Mom told me I needed to wear a sweater or I wouldn’t get the job,” she tells us as she’s taking off her cardigan and revealing two full arms of tattoos. Right off I had good feelings about her. But then I left her and Silas to hang out and puttered around (a.k.a. eavesdropping). Mind you, Silas had just woken up from a nap “hard” (meaning he was a crank ASS) so I figured this was a great challenge to assess her. She matched him toy for toy, game for game, talked to him, sat with him, played with him (not around him) – it was awesome. I was super pleased. After her Silas time she and I talked about her experiences and how often she wanted to work. She told us she was 14 weeks pregnant which made me sad (because she’ll probably leave sooner rather than later and not nanny anymore) but also excited because I knew that her experience at our house could help her feel more comfortable as a first time mother when her child arrived. So Candidate #1 was in and hired. Now I needed to find two or so “backup” babysitters in case she wasn’t available (and hopefully to take over once she had her kidget).

My response to some of these candidates.

         I looked through all of the other potential folks and developed some criteria – they had to have checked that they’d do light housework, have their own vehicle, have references available, and they had to have experience with little littles like Sage (9 weeks). Infant CPR and first aid certs and Spanish speaking made a candidate that much more attractive but weren’t deal breakers. Now I’m not a mean House Manager, I don’t want someone to come in and clean my house AND maintain my children’s safety. I want someone who’s going to clean up after themselves, put dishes from lunch in the dishwasher, and wipe down the kitchen table. I’m not asking for them to clean my carpets, you know? So any candidate who emailed me whose profile didn’t say they’d do light housework got the boot. No transportation means you can’t possibly pick the boys up from school in a pinch. Das boot. I can’t ask others about your previous work? No thank you. And you don’t know that an infant needs their neck supported until they can hold it up on their own? I’m not teaching you that.

         I set up four interviews over the next two weeks with potential childcare providers via email. I gave them my cell number and a date/time, and asked them to call or text me to let me know if that time worked for them (assessing conscientiousness I was). One called, two texted (I have no preference for either call or text honestly), and one didn’t respond at all. The one who called left a voicemail, so I called her back and left her a voicemail, and then she butt dialed me twice and never called to apologize (or to talk to me). So we were down to two prequalifier candidates, and they both were scheduled for Sunday (August 19). The first one (11 a.m.) showed up at 11:15 because she got lost because there’s construction on my street (which I had told her about previously and suggested she arrive early because of). The second one (4 p.m.) nsnc’d (no show no call). Wow. Really folks?

         Having been a nanny in graduate school, I would like to share some secrets (hopefully they’re not so secret honestly) about how to get hired as a nanny. The first question people may have is “what’s the difference between a babysitter and a nanny?” Well, here’s how I think of it – a babysitter makes sure your kids are safe for the time that you are out of the house, while a nanny may be asked to serve “in the place of the parent” by, say, dropping off/picking up from school, assisting with homework, preparing meals, cleaning, doing laundry, and of course entertaining children and making sure they’re safe. Usually there’s a pay difference too – if I hire a babysitter for the night who’s going to sit and watch TV after Silas goes to bed (and Sage sleeps through their entire visit), I’m less inclined to pay them a higher rate. We pay $8/hour for mother’s helper (I’m here, you’re just playing with Silas) and $10/hour for “you’re in charge” childcare by the way (and I put that in my ad). If the woman we hired is asked to do nanny-type tasks (grocery shop, pick up the boys from school) then I will pay her a higher rate per hour for the time it takes to do that, especially if she’s grocery shopping with two kids in tow (that will be $45 per hour please…).

I expect you to like our dogs. No, for serious.

         Many House Managers (i.e., the person who’s hiring you to do the childcare, usually Mom) will tell you what they want you to do (and if you’re a babysitter or a nanny), but if they don’t, it’s important to ask about expectations when you go to an interview. If you’re responding to an ad online, be sure to read the ad fully and see if you feel like you fit with what the House Manager wants. Don’t just respond to every ad asking for childcare. When you respond to the ad, write professionally – use proper capitalization, spelling, and grammar. If I see one more email with textspeak I swear to someone I’m going to hit a nanny. If the writer of the ad uses jokes, then joke back, but if they don’t then simply highlight the skills you have that they stated they were looking for. If you’re responding via phone, again, be professional. Make sure your voicemail sounds…professional. “You know what to do heeheehee” is not professional.

         In all of your interactions with families make sure to represent yourself accurately. Don’t tell Mom you have experience with infant care when in reality you held a baby at a party once. If someone says they have experience, then I expect them to know their shit and feel comfortable handling, diapering, and feeding an infant. Parents will have their own little quirky “ways of doing things” and they’ll know their kids best, but make sure you don’t lie about your experiences. Get to know what the parents want/like by observing them and asking questions (but more so by observing them – I think a lot of times if potential nannies ask too many small specific questions that they’re not confident in their own abilities and that’s a big no thank you – babies and parents are like dogs, they can smell fear).

         Make sure you have your listening ears on (sorry, I’m a toddler parent) when interacting with parents – if I say “No TV,” I’m not kidding, I’m not joking, and this is MY kid. Now of course, I don’t say this because Silas loves him some Thomas and Friends, but parents are asking you to act as them for a time (and paying you to do so). The least you could do is follow their rules. Now I’ve seen the Beverly Hills Nannies show (OK I’ve watched a few previews) and some people are, like, whoa crazy parents. If you see that at an interview, run and hide (unless you’re just in it for the money – then stay there because I don’t want you at my house). Crazy families will find someone crazy to take care of their kids – crazy attracts crazy, no worries. But I’ve seen some of those parents and you don’t want to work with them.

Silas say, "If you can't have fun, don't come to my house."

         And that’s the thing – that’s what you’re doing – you’re WORKING. Be professional. Be punctual. Focus on your work (i.e., the children), not your phone and Facebook. Have fun with kids. Sit on the floor and play. Sing. Dance. Make up silly stories. If you feel uncomfortable doing these things with kids, I’m pretty sure that childcare is not for you. Little people are amazingly creative and fun – if you can’t enjoy that and let your adult guard down to do some HotWheels cars in the dirt play, then being a nanny is not in the cards for you my friend.

Have you looked for a childcare provider/nanny? What did you find? I want to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Week In Review at The House

            Every week at The House there’s random shit that happens that just makes me (or Mike) laugh. Sometimes we laugh because we’re sleep deprived (and it’s really not that funny) but sometimes it’s just too hard not to laugh at the stupid stuff we do.

Big Boy Bed

Sleeping in the big boy bed, hope he doesn't fall off...

            Last Saturday Mike and Uncle Steven (Mike’s best friend) picked up a toddler bed for Silas (28 months). I found a good deal on it on Craigslist so we bought it after much debate (toddler vs. straight to twin bed). Being me, I worried that Silas would get out of bed every night (or worse [funnier], fall out of bed). When Mike and Steven brought it home, Silas and I went out to help them bring it in because I wanted Silas to be part of the transition from the get go. He went out to the truck and grabbed a side of the bed and “helped” them bring the bed into the house; he even went and opened the door to get it in the house when Steven asked him to. Big Helper, awesome! We put the bed in his room next to the crib, made the bed, and a few hours later it was nap time. He excitedly got up on his little bed to nap, and an hour later he emerged from his room (opening his own door). Rut-roh. If he can do that now, I thought, he can do that tonight or early tomorrow morning.

            We took the crib out of his room and moved the big boy bed to its spot, facing the same way. Mike and I made a big deal that night of him being a Big Boy and reminding him to stay in bed at night. He complied. The next morning? He was a ninja – he got out of bed and out of his room without me even waking up (and I’m a light sleeper – noises from the monitor always wake me up). I found him at 7:45 a.m. playing with trains and attempting to watch Thomas on the DVD player (which is also Mike’s Xbox – imagine the chaos if that were to have broken…hey wait, maybe that’s not a bad idea…hey Silas, come here…).

            He’s only fallen out twice so far. The second night I hear crying around 2:30 a.m. over the monitor and I go in to check on him. He’s sitting up, eyes closed, crying, “Momma…momma…” “What’s up buddy?” I ask. He grabs his blankets as if to come with me, and rolls headfirst off his bed onto the floor. Completely asleep. I pick him up and he’s still asleep. I lay him back down and cover him up, and that’s the end of that. But try not laughing at your asleep kid falling off his bed (it’s only a foot off the ground people, I’m not that horrible of a person). The second time he literally fell out in his sleep. He was asleep horizontally on the bed when I went to bed, but then an hour later there was a thump and some crying – tuck and roll buddy.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

My concrete thinker

            I have a bad habit of asking Silas questions that are really more theoretical than concrete and he, being, you know, TWO, takes them literally. Like the time I was trying to potty train him with Cheerios and I tossed a Cheerio into the toilet and told him to “Get it.” I meant pee on it. But he looked at me like I was crayzay, and when I told him to go ahead he reached into the toilet water and scooped out the Cheerio. Oh. I. Oh. Well. Nevermind. I was banned from Cheerio-ing. Today Silas was blowing raspberries at Steven and it sounded like it was getting out of hand so I called Silas to me. “Hey, what were you doing?” I asked him. Mike cringed. Silas blew a raspberry at me – glasses covered in spit. I had that coming. Hey Liz, remember how you tell your students that toddlers take everything literally and don’t understand insinuation or sarcasm or humor a lot of times? Yeah.

Two For the Price of Poo?

            A few months ago I was on the phone with my BFF, Missy, who has two daughters, ages almost 3 and 1. She told me she had to get off the phone because they had synchronized pooping and I just thought that was funny. “Just you wait, your boys will do it too. One poops and the other does and you have to deal with two diapers.” Well tonight Silas was “asleep” (i.e., futzing around in his room) and the Internet alarm went off, meaning he had pushed the button on the box. I went in his room and it stank to high holy hell. I asked if he pooped and he denied it. Mike came in and we turned on the light and changed his dipe. Mike went back to the living room, I cleaned the diaper and put it in the wet bag, and then I went back to say goodnight (again) to Silas. Sage started crying in the living room.

Sage not currently screaming.

Silas: Baby!

Me: Yes, Sage is crying.

Silas: Oh no!

Mike (in the living room): Oh god!

Me: I have to go.

Silas: Why?

Me: Your brother just pooped too. And apparently it’s a big mess.

Missy wasn’t lying. What the hell boys? Really?

            We’re also trying out the potty learning bit around here. Lots of naked buns time and random accidents. Asking Silas to use the potty is turning into a crying fight, so I’ve decided that he’ll be naked and I’ll remind him that the potty is there to pee in and we’ll see how it goes. Dino tattoos seem to be helping along in the process. Silas’ right arm is covered so far (with dinos in various stages of decay).

Did I Mention I’m Tired?

Sage and Momma

            Sage hasn’t been sleeping well at night, and you know us adults, we prefer to sleep at night, so I’m getting maybe 4 hours tops every night for the past three days. I’m tired. I’m cranky. Have you seen that “unnecessary censoring” of Sesame Street? The one where Elmo says “*&^% you baby!” Yeah, I feel like that some nights. Tonight I wanted a glass of wine and I couldn’t find my one wine glass (we have somehow broken the other three, no ideas). It wasn’t in the glasses cabinet. I asked Mike if he knew where it was, and I could hear the whine in my voice.

Mike: Did you look in the dishwasher?

Me: No. *Whine*

Mike: Well…why not?

Me: Because I just want to whine about the fact that I can’t find it for a minute. I’m sure it’s in there.

Steven: [to Mike] That’s why I love your wife – she’ll actually admit when she’s whining and that it’s for no reason.

I’m really ready to go back to work. I’m not a house wife or SAHM by any means, and I am well aware of that fact. I have the utmost respect for Mommas and Daddys who work at home – but I just could not do it all day every day. I need sleep, wine, adult interaction, and a night nanny and everything will be back to “normal.” I have a sneaking suspicion that my idea of “normal” is never to be again. But there will be a new normal I suppose.

            Honey, can you stop reading over my shoulder while I type? If you want to write for the blog go write your own damned post. Love you.

Thanks for reading! If you’re not already following us on Facebook, make sure to do so since there’s a lot more random funnies that get posted to the page every week.

-Liz

A Newborn Mom’s Manifesto

            Recently I was on a mom’s discussion board and a good friend who has a seven-week-old apologized for not shipping some stuff to other friends because she didn’t have time in the day. Everyone responded that she didn’t need to worry about it because they understood that she was busy and tired. Parents understand; I’m not sure that non-parents would get how hard day-to-day stuff can be.

Liz, Sage, and Silas

            If you’re a new reader to the blog, let me tell you a little about myself. I’m a 35-year-old psychology professor, doctoral student writing my dissertation, wife to Mike (who is also a student and works 19 hours per week), and Mom to Silas (27 months or 2 years and change as I say) and Sage (6 weeks old and born early at 35 weeks). During the regular academic year I teach six classes per semester (three face-to-face and three online), but during the summer I usually teach two online classes only from home, making me a 1/3 of the year stay at home mom. We’re usually a very “green” household and try to grow our own vegetables as much as possible. We cloth diaper (CD) both of our kidgets, so between the four of us and CD washing there’s daily laundry. With two dogs there’s a lot of vacuuming as well. And the dishes and cooking and the bottle washing…well you get it. Add in the sleep deprivation from having a newborn and it makes for some long days with the possibility of cranky people being cranky on each other.

            As I’ve read other bloggers’ posts on different things this week I started to think of a list of things that others (non-newborn parents) should understand about the newb household (ours especially). If you’re a parent, this list should look pretty familiar and probably will make you laugh as you think back about your experiences. If you’re not a parent (or not a parent yet), use this to understand exactly what’s going on with those friends that have newborns and you think have dropped off the face of the earth.

Sage sleeps...shhhh.

·      * Sleep is a fleeting visitor to my home (at least for me, sometimes for my husband, but thankfully not for Silas who sleeps through Sage’s hunger crying every night). We go to bed between 11:30 and 12 a.m. every night because Sage eats around 11:15 p.m. Some nights he sleeps until 4 a.m. before he wakes up for food again, but sometimes it’s 3 or earlier. Depending on what time he eats, he could wake up again around 6 or 7 for more food, and then he falls back asleep. Sage sleeps a lot right now, which is very helpful when you’re trying to coordinate two children’s schedules in the morning, but his schedule means that I’m getting two stretches of 3-4 hours of sleep per night (and most nights less than that). Sleep deprivation creeps up on you and eventually you sit on the couch feeding a child and wonder how you got there. Like literally, how you got on the couch with the child. Because your brain is so overwhelmed it stops making new memories.

·      * Sleep deprivation causes people to say some messed up stuff. So if I’m talking to you and there’s a long pause, it’s because I lost my train of thought and I’m trying to find it again. If I say something that sounds offensive, believe me, it’s not intended to be. The filter in the frontal lobe that says, “That sounds rude” is one of the first things to stop working when sleep deprivation sets in. Just ignore me.

·      * Days of the week are arbitrary really. I go on Facebook or get texts from friends and see “I can’t wait for the weekend!” and I’m thinking, “Wait, what day is it?” The only way I know what day it is is if a) I have an appointment that day (according to my iPhone calendar) or if b) Silas is home (and not at daycare). So calling me and asking me if I want to meet for XYZ on Tuesday doesn’t work. Say something like, “Two days from now” but also make sure I put it on my calendar. Otherwise I probably won’t show up.

·      * And if I do show up, I’m going to be late. Deal with it. I try not to be, so hopefully I won’t be too late, but you try coordinating dogs, babies, diaperbags, car seats, trains (Silas has to bring at least 4 with him wherever he goes), blankets, milk/formula to go, snacks (for Silas and for me), and you’ll see why I’m late. Even if I get to go somewhere by myself, like an outing to the grocery store, I’m still going to be late. Our Pediatrician’s office tells new parents that their first appointment is actually 30 minutes earlier than it actually is because they know you’re going to be late. I wish the rest of the world got that.

Showered and out in public! No way!

·      * One of the reasons I’m late is because I showered – you should be thankful for that. Showering at my house is not a daily occurrence (unless you’re my husband or Silas). I usually shower if I have to (I’m going out or someone’s coming over). Otherwise it may or may not happen. I do always put on deodorant though. That’s a plus. Unless I forget to because I’m overtired.

·      * Sure, you can come visit. There’s not ever really a “good time” (except 7-8:30 p.m. is bath/bed time so that’s a bad time). Bring ready to eat food if you want to eat because I don’t cook. And if you’re competent and enjoy babies, I may just ask you to watch Sage while I go take a shower or hand you a bottle to feed our Littlest Monkey. And be careful what you say around us. Mike and I have decided to never say no to some nutbag (I mean loving friend) who says, “I’ll watch the boys so you guys can…” We’re liable to run out of the house before you finish that statement. Am I joking? Mmm slightly.

·      * While you’re visiting, know that everyone here uses the rest room with the door open. If I don’t leave it open, there will be a toddler at the door, banging, crying “Momma! MOMMA!” until you pull your hair out, scream “I will be RIGHT OUT!,” or simply open the door for him. We’ve opted to just leave it open. Circumvents the whole process.

·     *  I miss adult human interaction and news from the outside world. You can only interact with a child whose favorite word is “No” (and recently, “No, now”) for so long before you feel the loss of IQ points. Even getting mail from people (as opposed to bills and junk) and email from friends (even if I don’t respond right away) make my day. It reminds me that there are other humans in the world who have a larger vocabulary than “Car gone! Thomas! Choo choo!”

Disaster creator at rest

·      * My house is a disaster (in my mind). We keep expectations real low around here (and we’re never disappointed!). There are Hot Wheels cars everywhere, baby contraptions (bouncer, swing, tummy time mat) all over the living room, and trains dribbled from the boys’ room to their bathroom to the playroom. There’s mud spots on my black couch along with Sharpie stains (black thankfully). Toddler activities are not always what we think they should be. And I don’t always have the energy or wherewithal to deal with them.

·    *   As far as eating goes, we try to cook. We really do. But I can’t help it if the Chinese food delivery guy knows Silas by his first name and Silas hugs him when he leaves. Don’t judge. At least we’re eating.

·      * And when we do eat, we use paper plates and sometimes even plastic eating utensils. The least number of dishes to wash, the better. But there are always sippy cups that need to be washed. I have been known to run the dishwasher full of sippy cups on the top shelf and some silverware on the bottom shelf. Having a newborn has definitely cut down on our environmentally friendliness.

·    *   I would love to hire a cleaning service. But I look around and think, “Would I need to pick up before they come over?” and that deters me from calling anyone. So I run the vacuum around and call it done. That little Dust Buster is my bestest friend when it comes to cleaning the tile floors.

·      * I have lots of stuff I intend to do. Like my friend that I started this post about, I have stuff I could ship to friends and thank you cards to write. But I have to say, if my options are “take a nap or…,” take a nap always wins.

·      * Grocery shopping for the week is a thing of the past until Sage can sit in the cart. If you don’t know why, take an infant car seat. Put it in the cart at the grocery store. See how much space you have left. It’s about enough for three days’ worth of groceries (maybe). Once he gets a little bigger I’ll be able to use my Beco or Ergo carrier with him so we won’t need the car seat in the store, but until then we shop on an as needed basis. As in, “Mike, we need milk for Silas and formula for Sage. Pick those up on your way home.”

·    *   I feel as if I wash cloth diapers every day. But that’s not true. I wash them on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays, but then I fold them on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Mondays, so there’s really only one day that I’m not doing something with diapers for the boys (besides putting them on them). And on Saturdays I catch up on clothing laundry and feel like I cannot catch a laundry break.

Blissful rest

Ah peace.

·     *  I have no life outside of this house pretty much. So don’t get offended if I don’t call you back right away or answer your texts. You may read this and think, “God, I’m never having kids,” and that would be a mistake. Regardless of how overwhelmed and tired I feel, these two little boys are my loves and my world. But like everyone, a short vacation wouldn’t be a bad thing. I’d miss them like crazy though.

Are you a new parent? What do you wish that others knew about your life and household so they could understand your seemingly quirky behaviors?

Thanks for reading,

-Liz (who’s off to fold towels)