On Getting Children to "Be A Good _______"

Today I was shopping (ok I was at Target - be quiet you) and I observed a man talking to a shamefaced little boy who focused on that spot on the floor. "Do you want to be a good boy?" the man asked him. No answer. The man repeated the question. Still no answer. So the man walked away from the child (leaving him standing in the foyer of Target alone - pretty sad sight actually).

But I'm not going to focus on that. The man's statements bring up a good question - what does being a good boy MEAN? How does one do this being a good boy thing? Can anyone do it? What do I have to do? What do I have to avoid? Some of you may be thinking, "They should know." And you know what, older kids should for sure. But when we're talking about a really small kid or a kid who is in a brand new environment, we can't say "they should know." We don't know what's expected of us sometimes even as adults. And that's what it boils down to - not knowing the expectations.

As an adult "in charge" of a child, we have to think at their level and speak at their level. I recently took my two sons (ages 3 and 1) to an atypical memorial service. I had options. I could expect them to "behave" or I could let them know what "behaving" meant in this situation and take into account their ages and cognitive abilities to understand instructions in a new situation and follow those instructions. I did the latter. As we drove to the memorial I told Sials (the older one) where we were going and what we could expect to see. I told him how we were expected to behave. There was a whole slew of kids there, so they all kind of banded together and attacked this large hill with lots of rolling and laughing and dirt and the parents (well most of them) were fine with that (but everyone was fine with them enjoying themselves). One child shied away from the others, not even walking up to the hill and watching other kids. "Be careful, don't get dirty, stay by me," I heard his mother say.

Whether we agree with her or not, she set the "be a good boy" limits for him and he did follow them. If we want children to behave, think of it as a game. I can't play if I don't know the rules. I can't play well if I don't know where the playing field is. What's allowed? What's not tolerated? How do I score? If we can't give them these bits of information, then how can we expect them to follow the rules that we haven't given them access to?

So how do you get your child to "be a good XX or XY?" You tell them how. You reinforce the behaviors that move toward the goal ("You're doing such a great job listening today. I really appreciate that."). We punish (or ignore if possible) behaviors that don't move toward the goal ("We already said there's no jumping off the bleachers, didn't we? What did we say would happen if we did? That's right, time out, so you're going to sit in time out for 3 minutes."). Let them know the rules. Level the playing field. Allow the child to play "right" instead of punishing them or chastising them for not playing right.

What behaviors have you tried to instill in your children to make them "good" boys or girls? How did you do it?

I said No (and I Meant It)

You probably know at least one person who has this problem saying no, either at work or at home (or with their unruly kids). Erm look in the mirror - is that the person you were thinking of?

It is for me. Here's my problem: my brain wants to be busy (so yeah to all requests!) but my mental energy, my personality, needs a break every day. I can't go go go. I can't. I go to conferences for work and it's just people people people back to back insane and there's Liz...taking a break in her room.

If my calendar has one "extra" item (extra meaning not the classes I teach or office hours), I'm OK. Two extras...mmm three...errrr. Any higher and I go home and feel as if I have nothing left to give anyone. And this feeling of anxiety sits by my lungs and I just want to sit somewhere quiet by myself.

So that's the first problem. Here's the second: I'm apparently competent when I do say yes. People keep asking me to do stuff. Even when I'm not on contract (such as during the summer) I get asked to do stuff. 

And that leads to the third problem - I tend to say yes to everything people ask me to do (because I feel guilty if I don't). After Sage was born, I started recognizing how my behaviors influenced my stress and that influenced my home life, my stress, and my boys. Not cool.

If this is you too, how can we avoid the Over Yes-ing (when possible)? First, keep your calendar(s) up to date. I have my work Outlook, my Gmail (personal), and my paper schedule book (I love laper for some reason) all synced and updated. That way if anyone asks if I can do X, I can check what else I've got going on that day. If there's a conflict or it would send you over the edge energy-wise, suggest moving the date to a day you have clear (or clear-er). If that's not possible, think about the necessity of this event. You may be thinking, "Couldn't that take some time?" And you'd be right, so saying, "Let me get back to you by 3 pm by email" would give you that time to think about your role in this activity. Are you necessary? If not, would it be a work or career foible to say no? Is this an annual thing, could you offer to do the next one but just not this one? Could someone else do it (and stop thinking "but I'd do it better" - we're talking about decreasing your over-scheduling here). 

If the answers of the Magic 8Ball indicate that you must go, see if you can move around anything else that's scheduled. Tell your spouse that any expectations of you for that day are going to get sacked because you may be left with nothing energy-wise. Better yet, discuss with them your conundrum before agreeing to it (if possible). I am usually the one who picks up the boys after daycare - if I know my day is full, I will warn Mike and ask him what he wants fast-food wise for dinner.