The Dad Identity

I was folding clothes when I overheard Silas say something to Daddy. Daddy sighed and said, "You're right Silas," and got up from the couch.

Silas was happily eating his meatballs and raviolis, but he had heard me tell Daddy that after he finished that game (of whatever video game he was playing) it was Silas' turn to watch a movie I'd gotten for him.

So what did Silas say to Daddy?

"Daddy, that's one game. It my turn. Movie please."

I secretly smiled to myself. This is something I try to say to my husband all the time but it's as if I've said it too often and now he doesn't hear me.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that much of my day, my life, is spent talking to these boys, learning from these boys, teaching these boys to *hopefully* be good people, and mostly spending my time with or for these boys, but my husband still maintains his hobbies (like video games). I mentioned this to him the other night and he responded, "Hon, you blog." Well yes, I do. After the boys go to bed. When they're otherwise engaged. I don't just take off and hole up in my office and write. And if I want to, I ask my husband if it's OK if I do so for 15 minutes or so (and I make sure I'm back in 15 minutes).

I am a mom. I've been a mom ever since Silas was born. I'm not sure, if you asked my husband to answer the question "I am..." 20 times, if "a father" or "a dad" would even be on that list (and he's not interested in doing that activity if I ask him). I've met guys who "are" dads. That's how they think of themselves, that's what they talk about, that's what they "do," that's "who they are." And I sit and wonder why it is that some men get attached to that title and the role as I have to being a Mom, while others continue to focus more on themselves than on their role as someone's dad.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing my husband. I'm trying to understand the differences I see. And I've asked him and he doesn't seem to have any insight into it (or he doesn't want to share it with me). Research on identity theory (remember now, I'm a social and personality psychologist, a researcher, this is what I do) tells us that humans play multiple roles (easy right?) and that only a certain number of roles can be "central" at any given time. As one becomes more central, more important to how we think of ourselves, another becomes less central (because we only have so much mental energy).

So I ask you, readers, parents, friends, psychologists, arm-chair psychologists ;) What makes some men a "dad" while others put the role of "father" further down in their list of roles? What do you think?

On Getting Children to "Be A Good _______"

Today I was shopping (ok I was at Target - be quiet you) and I observed a man talking to a shamefaced little boy who focused on that spot on the floor. "Do you want to be a good boy?" the man asked him. No answer. The man repeated the question. Still no answer. So the man walked away from the child (leaving him standing in the foyer of Target alone - pretty sad sight actually).

But I'm not going to focus on that. The man's statements bring up a good question - what does being a good boy MEAN? How does one do this being a good boy thing? Can anyone do it? What do I have to do? What do I have to avoid? Some of you may be thinking, "They should know." And you know what, older kids should for sure. But when we're talking about a really small kid or a kid who is in a brand new environment, we can't say "they should know." We don't know what's expected of us sometimes even as adults. And that's what it boils down to - not knowing the expectations.

As an adult "in charge" of a child, we have to think at their level and speak at their level. I recently took my two sons (ages 3 and 1) to an atypical memorial service. I had options. I could expect them to "behave" or I could let them know what "behaving" meant in this situation and take into account their ages and cognitive abilities to understand instructions in a new situation and follow those instructions. I did the latter. As we drove to the memorial I told Sials (the older one) where we were going and what we could expect to see. I told him how we were expected to behave. There was a whole slew of kids there, so they all kind of banded together and attacked this large hill with lots of rolling and laughing and dirt and the parents (well most of them) were fine with that (but everyone was fine with them enjoying themselves). One child shied away from the others, not even walking up to the hill and watching other kids. "Be careful, don't get dirty, stay by me," I heard his mother say.

Whether we agree with her or not, she set the "be a good boy" limits for him and he did follow them. If we want children to behave, think of it as a game. I can't play if I don't know the rules. I can't play well if I don't know where the playing field is. What's allowed? What's not tolerated? How do I score? If we can't give them these bits of information, then how can we expect them to follow the rules that we haven't given them access to?

So how do you get your child to "be a good XX or XY?" You tell them how. You reinforce the behaviors that move toward the goal ("You're doing such a great job listening today. I really appreciate that."). We punish (or ignore if possible) behaviors that don't move toward the goal ("We already said there's no jumping off the bleachers, didn't we? What did we say would happen if we did? That's right, time out, so you're going to sit in time out for 3 minutes."). Let them know the rules. Level the playing field. Allow the child to play "right" instead of punishing them or chastising them for not playing right.

What behaviors have you tried to instill in your children to make them "good" boys or girls? How did you do it?

Now That’s A Manager

From the film 300:
Stelios: “It’s an honor to die at your side.”
Leonidas: “It’s an honor to have lived at yours.”

Mike’s watching TV tonight, flipping back and forth between 300 and 3:10 to Yuma, and I heard this exchange and it got me thinking. That’s some good management right there. Yeah, I’m a geek.

Every semester we talk about applications of psychology to my students’ future lives (work, family, etc.), and one thing we hit hard is management. Whether you like to admit it or not, in the work environment for the rest of your life you will either be managed or be a manager (or probably do a little of both at once). When we talk to people, when we watch people interact, we realize that one thing that they crave, that they NEED, to make them content is recognition. The Kudos bar from the boss in their publicly-visible mailbox will make an employee high for the week more so than any bonus or raise (wait, did I just say that money won’t make you happy?). Because it’s about me. ME (points to chest and pokes happily).

So take a look at the 300 quote again – now do you see what I was talking about? Even in death, the King told someone else (NOT the King) that they appreciated their life and serving beside them (also that death was not the important part of their experience but that living/working together was, so the process of work was more important, but we won’t go there tonight). And people wonder why all these guys died for Leonidas. Well? He was a good leader.

My students generally want to know how they can take what they learn in my classes and use it in “life” and we can even take this a step further – every day you will interact with other people, whether it be your boss, your significant other, your children, your parents. If we know that people want to be recognized and it makes them happy if you do so, take a look at your relationships with others. Where could you (and those around you) benefit from this? Would your significant other be happier, even marginally, if you actually told them you appreciated them and/or appreciated specific things that they did? You’re darn right they would. And the happier they are, theoretically, they happier they’ll be around you (and the happier you’ll be). Win/win.

Who can you “recognize” today and tomorrow? How can you put a smile on someone’s face just by telling them that you’ve seen what they’ve done and you appreciate their work and them as a person?

7 Reasons Silence is Important for Kids

So much of our day is impacted by sound and activity. Silence and quiet time are important for both adults and children though. Check out this article as to why silence is important and how to help yourself (and your children) learn to enjoy quiet time.

7 Reasons Silence is Important for Kids from eNanny Source

How do you help your children to unwind and enjoy silence?

You May Be “Green” If You’re Reading This

If you’re reading this post, you most likely consider yourself at least in small amount an environmentalist. Since you think of your self as pro-environmental does that mean that you perform pro-environmental behaviors (PEBs)? Well, maybe. According to research performed by Whitmarsh and O’Neill (2010), it depends on the behavior and on your specific view of yourself (or identity).

We can think of our identity as having many pieces when it comes to environmentalism – there are specific identities (“I’m a recycler”) and then there’s a general identity (“I’m an environmentalist”). A specific identity is more predictive of a specific behavior, whereas a general environmentalist identity is more predictive of general PEBs. These PEBs can include decreasing domestic energy and water use, decreasing wasteful behaviors, and increasing eco-friendly shopping behaviors (Whitmarsh & O’Neill, 2010).

One would think that if a person values the planet or, say, clean air, that they would more likely perform PEBs (and maybe have a general environmentalist identity) but these authors found that was not the case – values (as assessed by a questionnaire) did not predict PEBs. Being aware of the risks associated with climate change was not a significant predictor of PEBs either (Whitmarsh & O’Neill, 2010). So values and knowledge are not enough to kick humans in the tush regarding the environment.

What else did these authors find? Visible consumption behaviors are more likely (Whitmarsh & O’Neill, 2010) – in plain English that means that people are most likely to change their shopping behaviors in a more eco-friendly way, and they are especially likely to do so when others are watching. Take into account other findings that previous behaviors are important in predicting future environmental behaviors, and there’s some good evidence that you should take your non-enviro friend shopping next time you go and guilt them into buying eco-friendly. They may just do it again (and start thinking of themselves as an environmentalist).

Last but not least, Whitmarsh and O’Neill (2010) tell us that there are certain things in our context (i.e., environment, family, etc.) that constrain or decrease our PEBs even if we have a general environmentalist identity. A lack of available options makes increasing our PEBs difficult. So if you don’t have bike trails or safe bicycle riding areas, you’re not going to reduce carbon emissions by riding your bike to work. If eco-friendly shopping products aren’t available near you, guess what? You’re not going to buy them.

Conclusion

So what does all this mean? The fear-inducing educational campaigns aren’t working folks. Al Gore’s “here comes the sun…to kill us all” stump speeches are getting nods from the people who already have the knowledge, and are getting ignored by those who do not (because he’s a nut job – thank you cognitive dissonance). Rather than guilting or “fearing” people into PEBs, we should start small with offering eco-friendly shopping products to more consumers and increasing the availability of environmentally friendly options in cities. I know you’re probably thinking, “Well it’s too late for that now. We need major change right now.” And to that I say, “I agree. But good luck with that.” Changing minds with a hammer breaks the mind; changing minds with a chisel and small, strategically placed cracks eventually gets the mind to recognize the change (and own it as their own rather than simply conform, i.e., the hammer method). Chisels create identity change. And according to Whitmarsh and O’Neill (2010), identity change is the way to go.

Get To It

How can you start small? How can you encourage others to start that small, strategically placed crack?

References
Whitmarsh, L., & O’Neill, S. (2010). Green identity, green living? The role of pro-
environmental self-identity in determining consistency across diverse pro-
environmental behaviours. Journal of Environmental Psychology, 30, 305-314.

**The post is the beginning of a series of posts relating to articles I'm reviewing for my dissertation. So not only do I get to learn, so do you! Rockin'!**

He’s Got the Moves Like Jagger

For the past few months I’ve been working (and feeling constantly behind), feeling like crud, being a horrible wife (it feels like), and observing this super amazing “baby” grow into a Little Boy. You’d think having an extra person (my father-in-law) around would be helpful but in fact it’s more work/frustration because he feels like Silas isn’t his son to parent so he’ll stand there while Silas wants more food (and be in my way when I come to help Silas). But whatever.

Since I’ve been MIA, I haven’t been sharing Little Boy Bites for the past few months. So Silas is 19 months (20 on the 26th) now, and I can understand why everyone says every age is their favorite (but for different reasons). Why does 19 months rock? Well you can see his personality/preferences developing very quickly. He dances by standing stationary and bouncing at the knees, or moving back and forth from his right to left leg. When he gets really excited he spins in circles, stamps his feet, and/or claps while grinning of course. LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” is one of his current foot-stamping favorites. He’s also very interested in people whistling and thus Maroon 5’s “Move Like Jagger” is one of his favs too. While he can’t whistle yet, he loves to “sing” to himself in bed and one of his favorite songs to sing is “Ma” where he repeats “Ma” until the end where he raises his voice and sings “Maaaaa!!!!!!” Singing Ma also requires dancing (side to side only).

One of the most fabulous things about this age is that everything’s so cool. Airplanes. Buses. Lights. The Christmas tree (and all its ornaments). HotWheels and Matchbox cars elicit a “Wow!” when he gets a new one. And the “Wow” is very intense and intentionally formed – super awesome. He loves to lie on the floor and roll them and watch the wheels turn. Petting the dogs is now super cool (“Coo”) too – but sadly they run from him, especially Jasmine (the one he covets the most). And he’s started pouting when they run away – how can you not feel badly for a little boy that only wants to pet the puppy and The Dog Who Needs Klonapin runs away afraid for her life?

Speaking of pouting, emotional development is a big part of Silas’ life right now. Telling him “no” elicits lip quivering, as does raising your voice to get his attention to get him to stop quickly. Loud noises in general kind of freak him out and the lip starts. I tell him, “You’re ok! The X just scared you. Let’s take a deep breath and it’ll be ok.” He learned the other day what “accident” means and how we can respond with kissing a booboo when we have an accident. I never realized how hard it was to explain that to someone – it’s something you need to show (“Hey Mike, can you come kiss my booboo so Silas can see you?”). Once he saw it, he easily replicated it. And I love his kisses. He’ll come up and give me a hug while I’m sitting playing on the floor with him, and will push his lips to your lips if you ask for a kiss. It’s pretty cute.

He’s also learning how to get what he wants. He’s started doing the “come here” motion (with both hands at the same time which is pretty funny) and if that doesn’t work he’ll come take your hand and drag you to where he needs you to be. He’ll also bring you toys and hand them all to you then hug your leg until you sit and play with him. Every once in a while he’ll bring you the remote and dance and sing “Uhlihiah!” (“Olivia”). He loves that pig apparently. While language isn’t 100% his thing yet, he’s repeating things more, even just randomly (so guests beware, .25 per cuss word when he’s awake goes into The Jar – and I pick what cuss words are). I’ll be excited when his language is more consistent so he can tell me what he wants all the time.

Enough extolling my son’s virtues (but damn he’s cute). For the next few months I’ll be posting more Little Boy Bites, but I’ll also be talking about environmentalism research articles (thanks to my love-er-ly dissertation work), and throwing in a few reviews and giveaways here and there. If you have something you want to guest blog about, please email me!
-Liz

I rarely do this...

I try to stay positive and promote positivity in others in everything I do. I see so much negativity around me, hear so much of it, that I just feel the need to combat it by throwing as much positive energy out there as I can. Some days that feels like a bigger burden than I’m able to deal with.

This past week has been rough. Ok, to be honest, I think the past year is just now catching up to me. Hell, maybe the past three years. But yesterday I finally got to my quiet point – it’s the point where you don’t open your mouth for fear of crying or cussing out your child or loved ones. Freud would talk about this in terms of a neurotic anxiety – worrying what the outcome of our possible behaviors could be even though it might be completely out of the ordinary for you.

Mike and I were sitting on the porch last night lamenting that Wilfred is in reruns now until next season. He asked if I thought I could write a show that was as funny as Wilfred and I wanted to respond, “Right, like in my sleep? Because that’s the only time I’d have to do that.” I shrugged and responded, “Probably not, I’m not that funny. But I was thinking about writing a new book.” Many of the people I know (many of whom are therapists) would ask a clarification question (“About what?”) but my husband isn’t like that; he just moves on to the next topic. When I realized he wasn’t going to ask me what I wanted to write about, I turned to go inside. “Babe,” he began pensively, “do you have any ‘me time?’ Like time when you do stuff for yourself?” “What’s that?” I asked, quasi-jokingly. He thought some more and asked, “Well what if I could give you an hour a day to relax? Do you think that would help? What would you do with that hour? You can’t Facebook or grade or write your dissertation, none of the have to stuff. What would you do?” And I seriously couldn’t answer him except to laugh and say, “Nap?”

But here’s the thing – my husband works and goes to school. He’s out of the house just as long as I am every day, and has homework on top of that. So his offer to me wasn’t even physically possible. But he does spend a lot of his time at home watching TV and playing video games while I spend my time cleaning and chasing a little boy. Doing laundry while he watches TV makes me so angry. But when I tell him why I’m angry he tells me that I’m requiring him to go by my expectations (the laundry or dishes need to be done on my schedule) and that’s not fair to him. My response would be, “If we went by your schedule the dishes would get done once per month,” but I refrain. Not talking back to your spouse takes a lot of mental energy, and is just one of the things that sucks my mental and physical energy during the day. If he just did a share of the day-to-day stuff then I wouldn’t need an hour – we’d both have time left over after the chores for the day are through.

So like I said, I rarely do this. I rarely complain about my stuff or what other people aren’t doing. But when my husband says, “We should start going to the gym,” I would love to respond, “We’d have time to do that if you and I worked as a team rather than me working as a manager and you acting like a non-fireable employee.”

Gratitude Journals

Research in psychology has found that people who write a gratitude journal experience more positive experiences and more positive affect (mood) than people who don’t. Gratitude journaling can include writing for short periods during the day about what you’re thankful for, and obviously you can do this on paper, on a journal on your computer, or via a blog.

So what are you thankful for today? Take 10 minutes per day to sit and think about this and I can bet that you’ll be thankful for gratitude journaling :)

Me, what am I thankful for today?

1. My job. I love it. Where else could I sit around and talk to people about something I love (psychology and teaching)?

2. The fact that my son doesn’t have a stomach virus. My sister, her kids, and her husband all have it. I can’t imagine how worn down they all are and how terrible it is to see your 23-month-old being afraid of vomiting. I wish I could go down and help her more, but #1 and #3 keep me from doing so.

3. My son. He’s freaking amazing. And he was an amazing work of science – seven doctors all coming together to help me and Mike have an amazing and healthy little boy. He’s so sweet and fun and inquisitive. And he’s working hard on growing and developing (like his language skills). I love him so.

4. My husband. He’s patient (most of the time) with me and lets me do what I need to do (nap, grade, read), and I appreciate that wholeheartedly.

5. My parents. They’re super fantastic and supportive. I wish we all lived closer so they could hang with #3 more often. We’re trying to put together video chat this week. I hope they can get it working on their end!

6. My mama friends on Facebook (especially the Gen-Y B/S/T ladies). Without them I’d lose my sanity and feel completely disconnected from other mamas and that would be rough. Support is awesome, even if it’s in the form of online discussions!

Now it’s your turn. Go gratitude journal even just for a little while. Everyone’s thankful for something and someone. I bet there’s someone out there who is thankful for you.

Today I Was Staggered By Generosity

Let me start off by saying that I am proud to be a part of an online community of Gen-Y Mamas who are simply amazing people. Even though I have only been a part of it for three months or so, I watch these women help each other with diapering issues, help each other find diaper covers that they are in search of, and help each other find good deals for diapering, and I am amazed that a group of women who don’t know each other in-person are so amazingly helpful. I don’t know a handful of people in real life who are so helpful honestly, so to have a whole group of them online is just astounding.

This week we were told that a group member was having some financial difficulties, and that diaper covers in the older prints would be auctioned off with the proceeds going to this member. Mamas were excited at the opportunities to both help and to get an older print diaper. If you don’t understand why they were excited, think about something you collect or something you know others collect. Then imagine that you sat around and talked to other collectors about this thing, and someone came and told you you had an opportunity to get a rare collector’s item – you’d be excited too. Auctions were scheduled for Thursday and Friday, but other Mamas started auctioning off their own stash of diapers and covers on Wednesday with the proceeds going to our group member. The psychologist in me was interested. The Gen-Y Mama in me was pretty flippin’ excited.

As a psychologist, I watched my community raise money for a member today with an interested eye. I waited for the first auction to start, wondering just how much people would “donate.” I personally had an amount preset in my head of how much I was going to donate regardless, and I figured I would throw in my preset amount at some point on an auction and see if I won. If I didn’t, I would simply donate it and be happy with that. I expected things to get a little crazy but not too much so. I figured people would go up to $50 per cover honestly. But then things got a little more than crazy. Mamas were bidding like they had unlimited funds. $10 - $20 - $40 for one cover in under a minute. The psychologist in me was perplexed. We talk about ourselves as “collectors” (not addicts), and these collectors were out for those out of print (OOP) and hard to find (HTF) prints with their PayPal waving in the wind.

As a Mama, I watched these auctions today and thought, “Holy *expletive*, are you kidding me?!” I love me some Gen-Y and some cute covers, for sure, but…wow. One print/cover went for $100. $100. These things sell for $16.99 each (well obviously the current prints do). $100 is groceries for the week for us. I don’t think I could do that. On the other hand, I could give $100 to a friend and not expect it back, so I guess that getting an OOP/HTF cover would be a nice thing to get WHILE helping a friend. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s an online community (in which most members have never met face-to-face) that amazed me. We all help each other online and give each other good deals (and make it right when something goes wrong), which is amazing for any community (online or not). And we all love Gen-Y and super cute diaper covers on our little ones’ tushies, but $100?! Wow.

Interestingly, today in class I talked with my students about the definition of altruism. Since altruism loosely means helping others with no expectation of getting anything in return, a student asked me if I believed that true altruism actually exists. This is something that has been debated by psychologists for years, and my view has always been that since a person feels good about themselves (or at least receives a subconscious boost in mood) after helping then true, by-the-book-definition, altruism cannot exist. We always get something (even if it’s a good feeling), and thus helping others for no reason except to help them cannot exist because we receive that boost in mood. Do I wish for true altruism? You bet. But have I seen it or did I ever expect to? Not in my lifetime.

And you’re probably thinking I’m overthinking this, but that’s what I do. The psychologist never sleeps. She’s always trying to understand “why.” Sure there’s excitement there about diaper covers. And it’s definitely for a good cause; this member’s an amazing and helpful Mama. We are a helpful bunch anyway. Add all those things together though and I still can’t come up with the amount of money I watched Mamas offer to spend today via the auctions. But I also have to keep in mind that people from this same group have done this for other members and even for me – I have been amazed at one Mama in particular who was generous in offering to help me continue cloth diapering Silas who seems to be growing out of diapers at an exponential rate (he’s 15 months and in size XL – no joke). All of the theories of altruism that I’ve learned cannot explain this. And thinking about that brings tears to my eyes because it means that maybe, just maybe, true, by-the-book altruism does exist, just as I’ve always wished it has (but was told by others and my science that that belief was naïve).

So I want to thank all of those amazing Mamas who played along today. Thank them for their donations to our member and for being an amazing community for sure, but mostly for giving me a glimpse of what I thought I would never see – true, by-the-book altruism at work.

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes of all time. If you followed my previous blog, you may recognize it:

“But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you.” –Valerie (V for Vendetta, 2006)