Why Doesn't My Partner Want to Have Sex With Me? (Part 2)

Last time we talked about biological reasons for decreased sex drive. Today we'll look at psychological reasons for a partner's lack of sexual interest. These are the things I hear (or overhear) from people...

"He just doesn't 'get' me anymore."

"All she thinks about is the kids, and not me, not my wants and needs."

"You guys still have sex? That's funny."

What are some possible psychological reasons for decreased sexual intimacy in a relationship?

Changes
As we age, we change (duh), but if a couple got together at a young age then their personalities and typical behaviors are going to change as they move into middle adulthood. Physical connection may become less of a priority for some while mental and/or emotional connection may become more important to them. Here's where Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages can come in handy. Chapman believes that each of us (sometimes at different times in our lives) want to be shown love in certain ways. Some people feel loved when someone does something for them (acts of service). Some people feel loved when they receive gifts. Some people feel loved when they are told they are awesome (words of affirmation). What's your partner's love language? Do you give them what they "need" to feel loved? If not, why not? Try working in some behaviors that fit your partner's love language and see where it leads you. Don't know their love language? Take the quiz with them on Chapman's website. Taking turns taking the quiz can help you see what your partner's language is, and it can show your partner what your language is. If we work together to make each other feel loved, then we're moving in the right direction toward more emotional and sexual intimacy.

It's a heart of raked leaves - a cute gift!

Feeling "Underbenefited"
In social psychology there's a term that I think is super important to relationships and it's "equity." This basically means that people feel that what they do in the relationship (around the house, with the kids) is equal to what the other person does. If a person feels they do more X (more child care, more housework) then they feel underbenefited - they feel a lack of equity. They may even feel (or say) that you get more free time or that you carry less of the "burden" brought on by your family/home. Many times this perception of doing more is inaccurate - as an individual, I see what I do (obviously because I'm doing it) but I don't see what the other person does all the time. I don't know their thoughts and how much they think about me or our family or our home or our...you get the picture. So I assume I do more because I know what I do. Feeling underbenefited can make people feel, well, downright angry at their spouse. Angry people typically don't want to touch their spouse, never mind have sex with them.

So what do we do about this? Communicate. Figure out what they feel are the things they do and what they think you do. Make lists together of what you actually do. Find out through (non-negative) conversation what your spouse wishes you would do more of. By non-negative conversation I mean listen (actually listen, don't wait for your turn to speak), repeat back to them what you're hearing them say, and stay positive (no eye rolling, no raising of voices, no talking over them). Now obviously you can't control what they do, but set an example for positive conversation. Once we know how they perceive the situation, do something about it. If they say you never do the dishes, then do the dishes. Make it a point to do what they perceive you don't (if possible). And keep doing it (again, if possible). Once we've established a pattern of attempting to create equity in our spouse's eyes, they're more likely to view us in a positive light and be willing to do things for us as well. People who feel that equity is being established are definitely more likely to initiate intimate behaviors.

Feeling bored
Have you ever sat back and thought, "We do the same damned thing every single night. We come home, we have dinner, we bathe unruly children, we get unruly children into their beds, then we watch TV, shower, and go to bed ourselves"? Consistency is great for kids (although "difference" is nice sometimes too like vacations or trips to the park or movies) but it can also create low levels of arousal or what we usually call "boredom." Our brain is under stimulated by consistency and may daydream or not be focused on our current day-to-day life. So what can you do? Help make your spouse un bored. Seriously. Get a babysitter, don't tell your spouse (or tell them "we're doing something special tonight" but not let on what so they don't make plans), and do something different. Something. Anything. Can't afford a babysitter? Exchange babysitting services with a friend with kids. You'll take their brood next weekend. Do something different. Show your spouse that you too are feeling the complacency bug and that you're willing and interested in getting rid of it.

You Expect It
You got it, expecting sex can cause you to not have it (especially if your spouse is feeling a lack of equity). Some women would be turned on by hearing, "I bought you new lingerie so you can model it for me tonight," but some may just think, "So...what, am I prostitute? You buy me stuff, I have sex with you? That's how you want this to work?" Giving a gift and hoping for sex in return can backfire. "I made you breakfast in bed so maybe tonight you can give me something in bed" can make the rest of your day silent as your wife refuses to speak to you and thinks bad thoughts about you. Again, some women find suggestions like these examples funny or cute, but some may not. This is where knowing your spouse and gauging their mood will be important. If your spouse's Love Language is giving gifts or acts of service, simply doing these things for them will make them feel loved. People who feel loved are more likely to want to have sex with you. Period. You don't need to tell them to or cajole them typically.

Obviously these two posts are not "all inclusive." There's no way I could talk about every single reason why a couple may not be having sex, but these lists are good starting points in trying to figure out how to make changes.

Why Doesn't My Partner Want to Have Sex With Me? (Part 1)

"After being married for nine years and having two kids, sex with my husband is the last thing on my mind. I get up at 5 am, shower and get dressed, get the kids up and dressed for school, work 9 hours, come home, make dinner, feed kids, get their bags and clothes ready for tomorrow, help my husband with baths, put the kids to bed, and by then it's 9 pm and I'm exhausted. I'd much rather lay my head down and rest than think about sex."

This story is one I hear often from parents, both male and female. But then I also hear from parents who say this:

"When we first got together we had sex often, more than twice a week. Now 10 years later I can't get my spouse to look at me, nevermind initiate sex."

As a female, as a Mom, I can't speak for both men and women on this issue. But I can tell you what I have heard from women about why sex is the last thing on their minds. The two reasons usually fall into two categories: "It's not you, it's me" and "What have you done for me lately" (sang to the tune of the song). Today we'll look at the first reason, and on Thursday we'll look at the second.

It's not you, it's me

Reasons that fit into this category include hormones, stress, lack of sleep, and body unhappiness.

Hormones

As men and women age, their level of testosterone changes. For men it slowly decreases, while for women it slowly increases. As testosterone changes, estrogen, the more female of the hormones, changes as well. As testosterone goes down, estrogen increases to balance it out, and for women it's the opposite. So as we age we find men less interested in sex and women may be more so. Biology is so helpful in our relationships...

Stress

If our partner is experiencing stress from work, bills, and multiple other things, sex drive is going to decrease as well. I think of stress like a virus to the computer of the brain. It takes up all this energy and all these mental processes, and thus we're less likely to think about others if we feel as if we're trying to "keep our head above water." Feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities can fit here as well. Getting organized can help sometimes but if money is a stressor it can be especially difficult to feel in control of the organization of that.

Sleep/Exhaustion

New parents especially are all about the lack of sleep. Newborns keep weird hours, and parents who are used to sleeping at night and sometimes getting 8 hours or more can find themselves exhausted by 11 a.m. Parents of older kids may be getting woken up for the bathroom, teething pain, illness, and a plethora of other reasons. Sleep, as you probably know, is a requirement to keep our bodies going. If we're not getting any (sleep that is), then many other parts of the brain (including the parts that relate to interest in intimacy) all but disappear. Sleep becomes the only thing we think about. When will we get it next, how much of it, and will it be interrupted. Just like stress, it takes over the brain functioning.

Body Unhappiness
I call this category body unhappiness because it can have multiple parts to it. If you're partner is sick, they're going to be less likely to initiate intimacy. If your partner has chronic pain they're going to have good days and bad days, and it can be pretty obvious that on the bad days they're not interested in naked time. Some women while they're menstruating are "just not into you" as well.

What can we do if our partner is experiencing biological reasons for lack of sexual interest? If the cause is biology, some folks choose to make an appointment with their Primary Care Physician to talk about testosterone therapy. If stress is a cause, decreasing the stress can increase sex drive and interest. What can you do to help your partner decrease their stress? Offer to relieve some of the burden if you can and do so consistently (not just for one day). Let your partner sleep when you can if sleep is an issue. The more energized they feel, the more excited they'll be about physical activity. If any sort of body unhappiness is the cause, the best idea is to wait it out and let your partner feel better.

Photo from FreeDigitalPhotos.net "Thinking Heart" by Idea go

Losing Your Self in Parenting

I read a lot of blogs and articles about parenting in my free time (you know, that 5 minutes you have between their bedtime and your bedtime). I was reading an article today about single parenting and 10 women weighed in on the difficult parts of being a single parent. One said it was hard not to lose your "self" in parenting and I thought, "Isn't that hard for everyone?" I mean it may be especially hard when you're the only parent, but I see it in parents who are still with their partner as well.

The "self" can be seen as the part of you that distinguishes you from others. As an adolescent, as a young adult, someone without kids, we are free to define that self as we please. Before I married Mike, before I had kids, I would have defined my self as a psychologist, as a therapist, as a professor, as a crafter (I have always loved to knit and create things from other things, like making a collage), as an academic (I always had my face buried in a book or an article), as a friend, and as a daughter. When I married Mike, I added "wife" to that list, and it changed how I thought about myself and how I thought about what I did. For example, when you go to the grocery store as a single person, you get whatever the hell you want, because why not right? It's you eating it. I used to eat Ramen Noodles and Black Bean Burgers with pepperjack cheese on a bun probably 3 nights a week. I'd buy wine and cosmopolitan mix (and good vodka) and have hair dying parties with lots of alcohol and a good friend as often as possible. Then I got married and even grocery shopping changed - now if I saw something new I wanted to try, I'd grab one, put it in my cart, then a thought would come up, "Maybe Mike might like that too?" so I'd try to find something he would like. It was an adjustment even in just that small area of my life. I read less and spent more time hanging out with my husband. I still used to bring work home with me in the form of papers to grade, and many nights I'd sit alone as he watched TV or while he was working, grading papers. But I'd feel guilty because I wasn't spending all my time with him. So I developed a way to not bring as much work home.

Then we had kids. Well we had Silas. I stayed home with Silas for the first 4 months or so because I had him during summer break. Mike still worked, so I spent a lot more time with Si than he did. I ended up being the one that got up and fed him and changed him. I investigated cloth diapers and started using them. I took him to all his appointments. I washed his diapers. I cooked. I cleaned. I was tired a lot (especially because newborns don't sleep long stretches like us adults need). Rather than going to the store and thinking about what do Mike and I want to eat, I ended up spending some time in the baby section now too. Clothes, formula, gear (swing? bouncer? toddler bed when?) then food (stage 1? stage 2? WTF? Where's my phone, I need to Google that stuff), cups (is he old enough for this one?), silverware, self-feeding, do we need different plates for this little dude? Becoming a parent, having "parent" become part of my self, how I saw myself, was very quick for me. And maybe it is more so for women than it is for men because they carry the baby, they nurse the baby (maybe, if they can), things like that.

But even now, three years after having our first child in April 2010, I'm still the one who does a bulk of what I think of as "parenting prep." I buy Silas' clothes and shoes. I look at Sage and figure out if he's ready to size up (and find the buckets of those clothes and wash them to get them ready for when he does size up). That reminds me, Silas needs 5T pants - it's gotten chilly here and I have 2 pairs of pants for him only. 5T is a B to find! I get home from work and start putting together dinners for everyone - the boys usually eat the same thing and Mike and I eat the same thing. I get pajamas ready so that when baths are done PJs and diapers are ready to go. I make sure post-bath milk cups are ready. I do the laundry so everyone has clean clothes. I clean up after dinner (sometimes with Mike, sometimes without). I wash diapers. I wash the boys' wool PJs. Mike does baths. We wrangle wet boys. They drink milk, watch a show, then we brush teeth and read a book. Then the bedtime struggle ensues (for Silas). Now it's, "But I have to poop!" He's gotten up to use the potty twice since I sat down to write this. Mike thinks it's a stall tactic but most nights he does actually poop.

That's me (not really)

So where is the "self" in all of this? I mean sure you can see how I define my self in relation to my children. I'm their Mommy, Momma, Mamama (Sage). I spend most of my time doing for others, and most days I'm fine with that. Every once in a while I wish I could go back to that time where I sat on my couch in my attic apartment in Providence, RI and knitted until I was tired and went to bed when I wanted to (rather than going to bed because everyone else is finally in bed and I'm quite literally brain exhausted). I go running some days. I exercise at least 30 minutes a day (but usually there's at least one child attempting to "help" or copy me). I blog (at 10 p.m. under a camouflage blanket where nobody can see me). I've been reading the same "for fun" book since June. And no it's not 1,000 pages long.

My kids aren't old enough yet for sports and we don't know enough kids for play dates, so I'm betting that the time I spend with them watching movies or playing dinosaurs (today it was rockets) will change and I'll spend my time driving them to and fro. I don't see the amount of time I have to spend on "me" or even with my husband changing any time soon. I wish I could change it just a little bit, but if I did I think I'd feel guilty. I work 40+ hours per week. Mike worked 55 hours last week. The boys hang with their nanny more than they do with us. We see them for an hour in the morning (and that's "get dressed and get your butts in the car") and three and a half hours at night, and that's it on the week days. Weekends we spend more time together, but I feel as if that's "make up" for all the time we didn't spend Monday - Friday.

In the end, as a parent, any parent, single or not, it's hard not to lose your self in parenting. It's hard to not focus on "being someone's Mom" and to instead focus on what you as a human, as an adult, want. I bet that's why people have trouble with "empty nest syndrome" or whatever you want to call it - once you don't have your kids to define you anymore, what do you do? Who are you? It's like you need to rebuild that self from the ground up.

What do you think that you can do to maintain some sense of "self" as a parent? Do you think it's possible?

Show me...the MRI

As a psychologist and a scientist, I love reading research related to parenting and kids (both psychological research and biological research). I will regularly do a Google Scholar search for parenting-related research articles just to see "what's going on." So...what's going on this week?

Testicles.

Seriously.

Researchers at Emory University studied 70 fathers and found that men with a smaller testicular volume were more likely to demonstrate empathy towards their children and to provide more of the care for their children than men who had a larger testicular volume. They also found that men with lower levels of testosterone are likely to do more of the child care in the home.

As a researcher my first thought is, "A sample size of 70 participants is..." well not so hot. Typically if you want to make big claims, you need a big(ger) sample size. But the empathy and testicular volume measurements were taken via MRI, and that's a + (whereas the sample size would be a -).

So what does this mean? Do dating women who want kids need to take their beau to the doctor for a brain and testicular MRI prior to deciding to have kids with them? "Sorry babe, we have to get your 'T' checked before I'll agree to marry you. I don't want to end up changing all the diapers." Should women be avoiding "macho" men (who may have higher testosterone) if they eventually want a family? Or is it possible that as men age their testosterone decreases as does their testicular volume, and thus older men would be more empathic and change more diapers?

This. This is why I love reading research studies.

What have you read that was of interest to you recently?

It's tough being a rock star!

My husband is a rock star. Seriously! He is music's Clark Kent or a robot (we will stick with the Superman thing, I think): he works a great job as a Navy Band musician during the day, but at night he is a freelance musician, mostly working for the awesome group The OJays. Tonight is no exception...he's already on the road into DC for an OJays gig.

It is a great gig for him! He gets to play great music with other musician friends, have a "break" from his crazy work routine, and get to do what he loves. Notice, that I didn't mention our little wolfpack on that sentence. I'm not going to lie, it is tough on me sometimes. Part of me wants to be sitting on the amps listening to the show, but the reality is that nighttime is my break from the day-to-day shuffle. I look forward to sitting on my rocking chair and devouring a novel, but it is difficult on nights that he is away on a gig. The girls know he is gone, get upset he won't put them to bed, and go through periods of wakefulness asking if he has come home yet. Sigh!

While I know that days like today are tough on me, they are doubly hard on him. He often feels like he is a stranger in our little group. He is up and out the door at the crack of dawn for the Navy, often being the first in the building, and is the last at leaving his job too. So, the sad reality is that we don't see him very much and when we do get a chance to see him....well, it feels like we're playing catch-up. It definitely puts us in a hard spot as parents, because it can get difficult to keep up with routines, and even harder to discipline. It is quite confusing for all of us. Add to his crazy schedule some nighttime gigs, and it is a whirlwind.

Good thing about this, is that for the most part we discipline the same way. Sometimes just a look is needed and that's enough to get the little monsters to behave. Where it gets crazy is that there might be things that the girls do that are allowed by me and not so much by him. Granted, there has not been that many incidents but as I write this, I remember the night where the girls asked for a quick five minutes playing with their dolls before bed. Granted, it was already a little past their bedtime, they had already bathed and dressed for bed, but they had been in the car a lot that day. I had been running errands and they were having a little bit of a hard time settling down...it made sense to let them okay for five minutes. Daddy did not agree and let them know so. Off to bed they went and it took them a whole two hours to settle down to sleep. I think the look I gave him said it all, but I didn't want to say anything out loud because I could tell he felt bad, especially after the zillionth time that the girls called me into their room to help them with blankets.

This is our norm. We try to get routines down and live around his schedule- he is on duty every day, rain or shine. It does get confusing but the thought of asking him to give up anything related to his music is something we would never do to him. It is his outlet, his gift, and he has to use it. We are so proud of him for all his accomplishments with his job, with his music, and all while providing the best life he can for all of us--he really is Superman. But, as everyone knows, even Superman has a bad day and as I see him get dressed for another gig, I feel bad for him. We've agreed though, that we are going to try our best to keep him more included in our daily successes and failures, so that he doesn't feel like he's a stranger in the house. It makes for lots of text messages, phone calls, and pictures during the day, but I'm sure he appreciates it. It makes for good stories! I mean, who doesn't want to call their Dad to tell them they grabbed a worm, or ate some delicious ice cream? We're making it work, day by day, for all of us. Just add love, laughter, and mayhem. Sounds good to me.

Have you ever been in this position? How did you include your partner in your day-to-day? 

Techy Parent and Techy Policies

I'm the type of person that loves my tech...sometimes too much. Macbook Pro, iPhone 5, Google Nexus 7 tablet (what no iPad?!). While I've never been an early tech adopter, I'm a "pretty quickly" adopter, so I've tried a lot and I'm also willing to let something go if it's not meeting my needs. I have, let's just say, a very active eBay account. If something doesn't work for me, it goes. I won't sit on it (except my first Dell laptop which is a useless paperweight which I still can't get myself to get rid of).

As a parent and a parent who thinks about how they parent intentionally, this brings up a good question - how do you juggle tech and kids? Do you put policies in place (no cell phones at the dinner table), do you have "times" (cell phones only after the kids go to bed), do you integrate tech (even the kids have their own iPads and can order kiddy Netflicks if they so choose)...there are lots of options and lots of questions that you wrestle with as a parent. I really try to think, "What am I teaching my sons by doing this?" If I'm watching a movie with them and am on Facebook messaging with the other Mamas, what am I saying to my 3-year-old?

My personal policy is to try to avoid social media type tech when my kids are awake and playing with me. If they're playing together I may hop on my phone and check FB or my email (especially over the weekend when my students have these huge horrific problems - I call it "being on fire" and Mike jokes that I have to check to make sure my students aren't on fire). If they're napping...usually I'm napping, but if I'm not I can be found working on a blog post or cruising mommy blogs.

What I don't want my kids to learn is that this "other stuff" comes before them. Now, don't get me wrong, if I'm typing an email to my Dad and Silas comes up wanting something RIGHT NOW I will definitely give him the, "I'm typing to Grandpa and will be done in one minute. If you can wait one minute, I will help you. Thank you for being patient with me." But unless absolutely necessary I never want to appear to my kids that "this thing" is more important than what's going on in front of me or around me. I want to be as present as possible, especially right now when these little boys have such amazing stories to tell me.

What's your parenting and tech policy? Do you think technology has influenced your relationships with your children or spouse for the better or for the worse?

How Do We Love Two Children?

Silas love

Silas was my first son. He was born in 2010 and we spent almost two years becoming "bess frens" (best friends) before his brother, Sage, was born in 2012. If I had to say Silas was more attached to one parent, I would say he was my right hip and Mike (my husband) would agree. For months I wondered if we should have a second child, or if we should just leave well enough alone and be happy with what we knew (as opposed to what we didn't).

Coming from a household with only one child (yes, I was an only, what?), I wasn't exactly sure how the whole "loving two kids" thing would work. Could it work, I wondered. Could I do it on what felt like my already strained emotional budget? Having an anxiety disorder takes up a lot of your available energy so I worried (HA! Me! Worry!) that it would be a bad idea and I'd screw up two children's lives. What parent doesn't though right? (Admit it, at least to yourself, you don't have to do it in public)

As luck would have it, I didn't get the chance to decide yes or no on the second child bit - we found out November 14, 2011 (my birthday, aww!) that we were expecting again and I was...angry? Probably because I didn't get to decide that this is what we were doing. (While you may think we could have had an abortion that wasn't a thought in either of our heads). And then I had a rockin' pregnancy (sarcasm) and Sage was born early (see the previous posts in July 2012 to read more) and that all added to my worry that my idea or not, this was Not Going To Be Good.


But then I sat in the NICU with this tiny boy's hand wrapped around my finger...and I cried. What I worried about, it didn't matter. It would be what I did with these two amazing Small Men that would influence them to be amazing people - at least the part of their lives that I could influence. So I promised my little fighting preemie that I would give both of them everything I had.

Fast forward to a year later. Sage is 13 months. Silas is 3. Sage has gone through these spurts where he seems to have a delay of some sort (which I could totally give him, I mean, he was early) but then catches up super fast. He's walking. He's harassing his brother (i.e., "Say, be quiet!" Sage blows a raspberry at Silas and laughs. "Be quiet Bother!" Raspberry. "Mom! Say won't be quiet!"). I try to divide my time equally between them, but I'm also trying to show them how triage works (one has a dirty diaper, and one is bleeding...help one while explaining to the other that they are next in line and their wait time is approximately 3 minutes). I'm trying my best to show them how to be good brothers. I share kisses, tickles, and love equally (I think). I think.


So how do you love two children? Differently. Each has different wants and needs (and is at a different stage of childhood). You do, quite literally, the best you can. I noticed that Sage developed this "thing" where he would play Peekaboo with you and look super cute until you picked him up. If you didn't (and you walked away), well, he screamed. Rather than getting angry I realized this was probably his way of telling me he needed more attention than what he was getting. Parenting adjustment. Then Silas started not doing so well with potty training. Adjustment.

Adjustment. It's what's for dinner. And I can tell you, as someone with daily anxiety, that's freaky (man). But I've learned to roll with it and pick up the closest child and love on it. And that's all you can do, right?

How did your family adjust to a new addition? Do you wonder if you "have it in you" to have children (or more than one child)?

Oh Personality - #12WeekBlog Post Week 2

Welcome to the second week of the #12weekblog posts. If you’re wondering what that is, it’s a group of bloggers who are all writing about the same topic every week. The prompts are sent out on Mondays and you have all week to write. Want to join in? Comment on the original post and I’ll get you set up to start!

The prompt for this week:

What personality trait(s) do you value most in yourself? Which do you wish you could change?

The trait I most value in myself AND the one I wish I could change sometimes is that I am orderly. Extremely orderly. I do things in order (my order, the order that makes sense). I follow recipes. I spell and write accurately. I learn the rules of things and follow them (unless I think I can modify to make them more effective). I want to learn the best way to do a new thing and follow the instructions.

            This can be good in that I know where everything is when I need it. I know that my classes are ready to be taught tomorrow because before I leave I set everything out for tomorrow’s classes. I know that the boys’ bags are ready for school tomorrow because I swap out what needs to stay home and refill them with new stuff when we get home (not in the mornings when it’s chaotic). I know when my bills need to be paid and how much money we’ll have at the end of the month because I keep track of that all on my computer.

            Why would being orderly be a bad thing? Well, Daddy is anything but orderly. I joke (not really joking) with him that he leaves a trail of Michael around the house when he comes home and I can tell him exactly what he did and in what order just by following the trail. Because I am orderly and he is not, I feel the need to pick up his disorder (as well as that of two small children). He doesn’t appreciate this because, well, he doesn’t think it needs to be done and doesn’t understand why I feel the need to do it, so why should he thank me for doing something that didn’t need to be done in the first place?

            So there you have it. I’m orderly and organized and I appreciate that in my self because it allows me to do my work without feeling rushed or anxious – I know that I already did what needs to be done. If I weren’t this way though, I wouldn’t feel the frustration at home that I do because apparently I’m the only one that feels the need to be orderly.

How did other #12weekblog Challenge participants answer this prompt? Check out Lisa’s and John’s work below when they send me their links. Want to participate? Let me know!

John writes about congruence and being "good weird" this week.

Be Mine

Valentine's Day is coming up. At our house we celebrate Val-Hanukkah, something I dreamed up when Daddy and I were dating. Seven days of gifts, and most of them are small. The last one can be bigger if you want. One year I gave Daddy a heart-shaped Pez dispenser one day and made cookies for him at work another day. It's not so much about the gifts, but celebrating your connection (more so than you do on a normal day. It can be a reminder to get out of your own head and think about what would make the other person happy (or at least smile).

A Valentine from Silas

Since it is 7 days though it takes more pre-planning than one trip to the grocery store to buy chocolate covered strawberries. It gives you the opportunity to think, "What does my partner really want/need/enjoy?" If you choose to do something like this it's good to brainstorm for a bit, make a list, and figure out some really fun ones. That's where I'm at this year right now, the brainstorming phase.

How do you show your partner you love and appreciate them on Valentine's Day? While we should be honoring our loved ones (and them us) every day, it's nice to do something different (and fun) once in a while. What are your Valentine traditions?

In the Kitchen Together

For the past five years, dinner at The House has been I buy it, Mike prepares it, we eat. Most of the time it was frozen or something easy. I buy chicken, he adds stuff to it (such as spices and whatnot), and we eat. When we opted to do the Paleo diet I looked for recipes, cleared them with him, and bought the stuff, but when it came time to cook I realized there was a lot more to it than just, you know, take it out of the freezer, take it out of the box, and put it in the stove (bad me and frozen pizza). So rather than cook alone (I had the recipes on my phone so I was now "The Cooker"), I called Mike in, showed him what we were making, and set him to cutting or doing something.


Our kitchen isn't that big. So we're sometimes in each other's ways. And we cook differently. I follow recipes. He cooks to taste (which he imagines in his head, which I can't do). He's creative about cooking - he can throw something together from available stuff. If I don't have a recipe I make something I've always made (not just a throw together meal). So imagine these two people in the kitchen together, trying to reach one goal (a meal). Yeah. It's been...a challenge. There we go.

Bacon, spinach, and
mushroom casserole

But we have found some things that we both liked, and I want to share those with you. All of these came from Quick Paleo Meals at Paleo Diet Lifestyle. First up, bacon, spinach, and mushroom casserole. First off, my brain says this isn't a casserole because it doesn't fit my brain's criteria for a casserole. But whatever you call it, it has a good taste. I personally would prefer the bacon crispy (as I always do), but it had a good taste and we liked it. Mike took the leftovers and made an omelet with them. The recipe calls for a casserole dish that you cook everything in on the stove but we just used a regular saute pan. One nice thing about this is it's a one pan deal - no other pans or lots of cleanup required.


Moving on. Liver and onions. You can tell me as long as you want that liver's good for you. And that's great. And Mike likes it. The idea of it, the taste of it, and everything about it just don't sit right with me. But at the beginning of this Paleo journey I said I'd try everything once (but not brains, Sarah). I tried it. I don't like it. I'm done. Will I have it again? *Rolls eyes and sighs* If Mike asks for it, sure. It's easy. It's pretty inexpensive. I don't know about your grocery store, but my grocery store had 1 container of liver (that I bought for $2.50). Moving away. From liver.

Paleo pork chops
with apples and onions

Pork chops with apples and onions. Yeah. This is good. I've talked to a lot of people about different Paleo pork chop recipes and I was pretty happy with this one. The apples and onions give it a good flavor and again, it's pretty easy and quick. The cutting up of the apples and onions took the longest time honestly. I may start cutting up gads of stuff at a time so that cooking will be easier. I should have eaten two of these but Mike had two, I gave one to Silas (who refused to eat it), and we only had 4. I did eat his leftovers the next morning for breakfast...

Canned salmon salad

Cold salmon salad you say? Sure. For lunch one day we made canned salmon salad. We halved the recipe because it was just the two of us eating lunch, and we still had leftovers. We used lettuce wraps to make little "sandwiches" rather than just put it on a bed of lettuce as a salad. Quick and easy (aside from the cutting, again). I will definitely make this again and may even make some up to bring to work. Mike says he thinks it would be tasty with celery rather than cucumbers as well.

Paleo Chicken Fajitas

Last up was Paleo Chicken Fajitas. We had these for dinner one night when a family friend was over. He enjoyed them as well (in a tortilla, no lettuce wraps for him). Definitely tasty and "one skillet easy." We'll definitely keep this around because it's quick and something good to serve if folks who don't follow the Paleo diet have dinner with us.


So what would we like to try? I'm really interested in some sort of pizza type thing. But I think the crust would involve a lot of work so I'm kind of waiting for next week when I can have a leisurely time of making it (kids at school, Mike at work). Do you have go-to lunch and dinner ideas? Share in the comments!

Now That’s A Manager

From the film 300:
Stelios: “It’s an honor to die at your side.”
Leonidas: “It’s an honor to have lived at yours.”

Mike’s watching TV tonight, flipping back and forth between 300 and 3:10 to Yuma, and I heard this exchange and it got me thinking. That’s some good management right there. Yeah, I’m a geek.

Every semester we talk about applications of psychology to my students’ future lives (work, family, etc.), and one thing we hit hard is management. Whether you like to admit it or not, in the work environment for the rest of your life you will either be managed or be a manager (or probably do a little of both at once). When we talk to people, when we watch people interact, we realize that one thing that they crave, that they NEED, to make them content is recognition. The Kudos bar from the boss in their publicly-visible mailbox will make an employee high for the week more so than any bonus or raise (wait, did I just say that money won’t make you happy?). Because it’s about me. ME (points to chest and pokes happily).

So take a look at the 300 quote again – now do you see what I was talking about? Even in death, the King told someone else (NOT the King) that they appreciated their life and serving beside them (also that death was not the important part of their experience but that living/working together was, so the process of work was more important, but we won’t go there tonight). And people wonder why all these guys died for Leonidas. Well? He was a good leader.

My students generally want to know how they can take what they learn in my classes and use it in “life” and we can even take this a step further – every day you will interact with other people, whether it be your boss, your significant other, your children, your parents. If we know that people want to be recognized and it makes them happy if you do so, take a look at your relationships with others. Where could you (and those around you) benefit from this? Would your significant other be happier, even marginally, if you actually told them you appreciated them and/or appreciated specific things that they did? You’re darn right they would. And the happier they are, theoretically, they happier they’ll be around you (and the happier you’ll be). Win/win.

Who can you “recognize” today and tomorrow? How can you put a smile on someone’s face just by telling them that you’ve seen what they’ve done and you appreciate their work and them as a person?

A Dad Style End of the Year Letter

When I was a kid my Dad created an “end of the year letter” and sent it to his friends. It was more funny than informative really, and it always made me shake my head in embarrassment. But of course I was a teenager – what wasn’t embarrassing? So if the Wrights were to write an end of the year letter, what would go into it?

- This past year was kind of crazy living space and money-wise. Our house was foreclosed on in April and we moved to a bigger (and cheaper) rent house in March. When we first started living here we thought we’d buy the house in two years (when our credit looked better) but after almost a year of living here we’ve seen the house’s flaws. I think everyone should live in a house for a year before buying it. But now I have to wonder what we’ll do if they put the house back up for sale when our lease is up. I hate moving. With a passion.

- Silas turned one in April (and will turn two next April…crazy). Even with all of my knowledge and experience in child development, this child STILL amazes me every day. It’s like I have this growing sea monkey science project that continues to grow and is playing its own “Choose Your Own Adventure” that I have very little control over. My love for him amazes me. He amazes me. Every day he becomes more of his own little person and it’s so cool. He’s very stubborn (like nobody Mike and I know) and will not do an activity when asked (i.e., “Can you tell me what sound a cow makes?”). He’s not a perform on cue kid. So assessing his language skills is tough but then he hides behind the vacuum and says, “Where did he go?” (also known as let’s play hide and seek). And when this little person comes up to you and kisses you on the lips and walks away, or runs his fingertips over your cheek (tickle), it just makes you smile inside.

- Mike’s going to finish his Associates in Art in 2012 and hopefully go on to the Southwest School of Art BFA program in 2013. His skills at ceramics (which he took as a studio art non-major requirement – ha!) have improved so dramatically over the past year that I’m looking forward to what he learns/accomplishes in this next year. He’s finding his “art style” and is amazing when he sets down to accomplish a project. Now we just have to figure out what to do with these projects…

- The dogs continue to hate the child. Well, let me rephrase – Ivy randomly will allow him to pet her, but usually tries to get him to go away by showing him her teeth. Jasmine tries to protect him and/or runs away while he chases her. Silas chases Jasmine, laughing the whole time, or puts out his lip and cries when Ivy snaps at him. *Sigh* At least they didn’t revert to peeing in the house, that’s what I keep reminding myself of.

- I’m still finishing my Capella University Ph.D. I’m now “ABD” (all but dissertation) and am moving slowly toward gathering my data (studying the development of the environmentalist identity). I’ll get there. Then I’ll enroll in part time classes so I never have to pay back my student loans. But I never said that.

- My parents are still living in MA although there are talks of moving down here when Dad finally retires. My grandfather’s Alzheimer’s continues to progress which causes the whole family stress and emotional strife. I could never put myself in his position and understand what he’s experiencing.


Value every single minute with your family, even if you’re a teenager and find them not cool.

What were your highlights from the last year?

Love and happy end of 2011,
Liz

I rarely do this...

I try to stay positive and promote positivity in others in everything I do. I see so much negativity around me, hear so much of it, that I just feel the need to combat it by throwing as much positive energy out there as I can. Some days that feels like a bigger burden than I’m able to deal with.

This past week has been rough. Ok, to be honest, I think the past year is just now catching up to me. Hell, maybe the past three years. But yesterday I finally got to my quiet point – it’s the point where you don’t open your mouth for fear of crying or cussing out your child or loved ones. Freud would talk about this in terms of a neurotic anxiety – worrying what the outcome of our possible behaviors could be even though it might be completely out of the ordinary for you.

Mike and I were sitting on the porch last night lamenting that Wilfred is in reruns now until next season. He asked if I thought I could write a show that was as funny as Wilfred and I wanted to respond, “Right, like in my sleep? Because that’s the only time I’d have to do that.” I shrugged and responded, “Probably not, I’m not that funny. But I was thinking about writing a new book.” Many of the people I know (many of whom are therapists) would ask a clarification question (“About what?”) but my husband isn’t like that; he just moves on to the next topic. When I realized he wasn’t going to ask me what I wanted to write about, I turned to go inside. “Babe,” he began pensively, “do you have any ‘me time?’ Like time when you do stuff for yourself?” “What’s that?” I asked, quasi-jokingly. He thought some more and asked, “Well what if I could give you an hour a day to relax? Do you think that would help? What would you do with that hour? You can’t Facebook or grade or write your dissertation, none of the have to stuff. What would you do?” And I seriously couldn’t answer him except to laugh and say, “Nap?”

But here’s the thing – my husband works and goes to school. He’s out of the house just as long as I am every day, and has homework on top of that. So his offer to me wasn’t even physically possible. But he does spend a lot of his time at home watching TV and playing video games while I spend my time cleaning and chasing a little boy. Doing laundry while he watches TV makes me so angry. But when I tell him why I’m angry he tells me that I’m requiring him to go by my expectations (the laundry or dishes need to be done on my schedule) and that’s not fair to him. My response would be, “If we went by your schedule the dishes would get done once per month,” but I refrain. Not talking back to your spouse takes a lot of mental energy, and is just one of the things that sucks my mental and physical energy during the day. If he just did a share of the day-to-day stuff then I wouldn’t need an hour – we’d both have time left over after the chores for the day are through.

So like I said, I rarely do this. I rarely complain about my stuff or what other people aren’t doing. But when my husband says, “We should start going to the gym,” I would love to respond, “We’d have time to do that if you and I worked as a team rather than me working as a manager and you acting like a non-fireable employee.”

Gratitude Journals

Research in psychology has found that people who write a gratitude journal experience more positive experiences and more positive affect (mood) than people who don’t. Gratitude journaling can include writing for short periods during the day about what you’re thankful for, and obviously you can do this on paper, on a journal on your computer, or via a blog.

So what are you thankful for today? Take 10 minutes per day to sit and think about this and I can bet that you’ll be thankful for gratitude journaling :)

Me, what am I thankful for today?

1. My job. I love it. Where else could I sit around and talk to people about something I love (psychology and teaching)?

2. The fact that my son doesn’t have a stomach virus. My sister, her kids, and her husband all have it. I can’t imagine how worn down they all are and how terrible it is to see your 23-month-old being afraid of vomiting. I wish I could go down and help her more, but #1 and #3 keep me from doing so.

3. My son. He’s freaking amazing. And he was an amazing work of science – seven doctors all coming together to help me and Mike have an amazing and healthy little boy. He’s so sweet and fun and inquisitive. And he’s working hard on growing and developing (like his language skills). I love him so.

4. My husband. He’s patient (most of the time) with me and lets me do what I need to do (nap, grade, read), and I appreciate that wholeheartedly.

5. My parents. They’re super fantastic and supportive. I wish we all lived closer so they could hang with #3 more often. We’re trying to put together video chat this week. I hope they can get it working on their end!

6. My mama friends on Facebook (especially the Gen-Y B/S/T ladies). Without them I’d lose my sanity and feel completely disconnected from other mamas and that would be rough. Support is awesome, even if it’s in the form of online discussions!

Now it’s your turn. Go gratitude journal even just for a little while. Everyone’s thankful for something and someone. I bet there’s someone out there who is thankful for you.

My Littlest Best Friend’s Back – Kiddos Mirror Your Emotions

For eight days in June (June 8-16) I went to Kansas City for work. Before I left, Silas was my super best friend. He laughed at my silliness, he followed me around, and even called out to me sometimes. We always had a good time and I got lots of hugs and snuggles (except when he was teething but that’s a different story).

When I went to KC, I called the first night and Mike put me on speakerphone. Silas cried because Momma was in the phone. The second night he cried again. The third night he went to the front door when he heard my voice, and THEN he cried. So by day 4 we quit doing speakerphone because it upset him and he didn’t understand what was going on. Then I started worrying (ok, I was worried from day 1 that he’d be pissed at me when I got home). When I got home on a Thursday, Mike and Silas picked me up from the airport. I got in the car, Silas looked at me, and looked out the window. I was super excited to see him. I got an, “Oh, it’s you, ho hum” response. I just about cried on the spot.

For the next few days he cried when I left him at daycare in the mornings and he tried to follow me out the door. In the afternoons he ran to me when he saw me, hugged my legs, then went on his way playing again. If I picked him up, he’d scream and throw himself on the floor if I put him back down. At home if I asked for a hug or a kiss or a cuddle at night, he would ignore me, not look me in the eye, and go find Daddy. Ouch. Even as educated as I am about this stuff, I was still worried that I had hurt our relationship, and I was worried.

Apparently this worry showed on my face, and he was seeing it and mirroring what he saw in me back at me. So if I approached him tentatively, then he did the same (or moved away). If I half smiled or wasn’t silly momma (because silly momma was trying to figure out how to get her best friend back), then he didn’t grin big at me or play silly with me at dinner.

So after thinking about this for a while, I quit. I decided he would be fine with me at some point, I just had to be fun and funny and consistent and we’d be best friends again. So when I was with him I tried to push all the stress of work and everything else out of my head and just enjoy my time with him. I sat with him and taught him how to pet the puppies (which he is very good at now – “Soft, that’s right, soft”). I helped him put on his shoes by sitting him in front of me and asking him, “Does this shoe go on this foot? No way! Silly! Do we eat it? No way!” Just small silly stuff. I started making him give me a bite of his dinner (and he feeds it to me). Now he grins and shoves a piece at me while he’s eating (even if I just had one).

Last night Daddy came in and Silas offered him a piece of fruit (with chicken with BBQ sauce attached). Mike scrunched up his nose and said, “No, thank you.” Silas’ face turned inside out and he CRIED like you would not believe. He reached for me and gave me a hug (and patted me on the back) from his seat a few times, but even when Daddy came back in to the kitchen he still cried. When he got down from his seat he followed me around or yelled, “Mama?” from wherever he was to find me.

Apparently my son is sensitive to you not taking his gifts? And I’m pretty sure that we’re back to being BFFs. Yesterday he came and sat on my lap while I was sitting on the floor. He can also crawl up on the couch, and crawled up on the couch and got himself into my lap on the couch, head back on my shoulder. He was napping as I wrote this, but he woke up and I just heard, “Mama? All done!”

I have to go. My BFFs calling. I have to get all the best friend time I can before he’s an adolescent and thinks I’m not cool or something.

“Is This Normal?” – Yes, It’s Normal to Dislike Your Significant Other (Sometimes)

I had originally titled this “It’s normal to hate your significant other (sometimes)” but I felt that was really harsh. For me hate and dislike are hugely different and if you hate someone today you’re not going to love them another day, so “hate” really doesn’t fit what I want to talk about here. As a psychologist and a mom I have heard so many stories (so so so many stories) from moms who after the birth of their child thought about divorce often (and some even talked or threatened about it). Before I had my son I wondered why that was. I thought, “Shouldn’t having a child together bring you closer? You can watch it grow and develop its personality and share that love together…wouldn’t that bring you closer?”

In a simple answer, I would now say, “No.” Or “Not always.” I have met some amazing couples who transitioned from couple to co-parents easily it seemed. And I have met some people who went from best friends to not being able to sit in the room together without sighing or glaring (or hey, both, that’s fun). There are a couple possible reasons for that. The one that makes the most sense to me relates to talking about personality and identity.

Personality can be thought of as people’s typical ways of behaving. It can be traits, like we think about from personality tests, or it can be ways that they typically behave. Let me give you an example. As I grew up, I learned that when I got home from school I should complete all of my homework and then do my chores and then I had all the leftover time to do whatever I wanted. I’ve continued this pattern of behavior so that now when I get home from work I do work if I need to, do some cleaning, and then, if I have time, I relax. My husband, on the other hand, comes home from work and wants to relax after his day. When he’s done relaxing there may be some chores or cleaning done, but most likely it’s already 11:30 and he’s ready for bed (and I’ve been taking up what I think of as his slack).

Part of our personality is also how we relate to others and what we expect from them. If I expect that a significant other will do 50% of the housework and they don’t, my expectations are violated which usually leads most people to frustration. But here’s the funny part – you’re sitting there getting frustrated because your partner isn’t doing what you expect them to do, and they’re just happy as Larry (however happy he may be – Eddie Izzard reference), oblivious that you’re frustrated and maybe (most likely) oblivious to your expectations. Because they can’t read your mind. And they don’t hold the same expectations. Does that make them wrong? No. Does it make you wrong? No.

“Wait…you mean that neither of us are wrong?” you’re thinking. Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Relationships aren’t about right and wrong really. They’re two people with two different expectations and two different life experiences coming together to share a relationship (with two different expectations about what that means). It’s a wonder that anybody stays together really. Because most of us don’t vocalize our expectations. We assume that because this person knows us that they should KNOW what we want. Or they should KNOW that you do the dishes right after you have dinner (when that’s not a rule, that’s your expectation). See where I’m going with this? Your partner’s not pissing you off. You’re pissing yourself off by making the rules that your partner doesn’t know about. That does not sound like a “fair” game.

Ok so that’s how we piss each other off in general life. Then let’s add some stressors. Right before a baby is born we’re anxious about a lot of stuff. Is the delivery going to go ok, is the baby going to be ok, are we going to adjust ok, will we get sleep, will we be ok with money, etc. etc. Thennn there’s a baby (or any major life change really). It causes chaos to a maybe previously pretty calm (and clean and organized) atmosphere. It doesn’t have a mute button so it may still be loud when you want it to shh (and excessive noise adds to anxiety). It keeps weird hours. You’re sleep deprived. You may not know what day it is (or care really) because you’re so sleep deprived and “off your game.” You may be dehydrated and hungry (new parents frequently forget to eat and drink water – I made myself by setting a timer on my phone). All of these stress your body and your brain out.

Now let’s add to this chaos. Each person in this relationship has their own identity or their view of themselves and how they are (and how they should be – like an ideal identity). That identity for many of us has been around for a while and hasn’t really had to change much. We’re ourselves. We’re like this. We do these things. We are a sister/brother/wife/husband/paper carrier, whatever we are, that’s what we think of ourselves as (unless we’re lying to ourselves and telling ourselves we’re our ideal but that’s for another discussion). Changing your identity is…well…hard. Some people are more flexible and they “bend” better than others, but for many, identity change is a difficult period. And after a kiddo is born, you’ve got two people who have to deal with this change. They both have to go from being themselves to being someone’s parent AND themselves (which can be difficult to maintain if “themselves” involves behaviors that don’t jive with being a parent). Most people can’t verbalize how they’re feeling as they go through this identity change. So you’ve got two people sitting around thinking about how their lives are changing and it’s a pretty freaky thing. They’re both feeling anxious. Just about identity change.

So stress + identity change + chaotic experiences + unrecognized expectations = what? You got it, frustration (and that’s a nice way of putting it). “I hate you you lazy asshole” has been used to demonstrate this frustration by some new moms that I know. And that’s just a small sample of what you may think when your significant other does something that goes against what you expect to be done.

I know this is easier said than done (especially when you’re sleep deprived) but before you say something to your significant other that you may regret and before you go badmouthing them to your friends, stop. Take a break. Sit quietly (if you can – nap times are good for this). And think about what we’ve talked about here. Stress. Anxiety. Identity change. Chaotic experiences. Lack of sleep. While those all may describe you, they’re describing your significant other too most likely. If you do something “off,” you may think to yourself, “Oh, that’s just the tired talking.” But do you give that same justification to your spouse when they do something off? If not, how come? That would be the equitable thing to do right? This is not a one-person life raft. It’s now a family boat. And everyone in the boat should be given the same benefit of the doubt.