Wednesday, August 14, 2013

On being "The other parent"

Confession time! Well, maybe just one! At 18, I was young, dumb, stupid and thought the world owed me something. I had that 'I can't wait til I can get my own apartment (with what credit at 18?) land an awesome job (with no education?), buy a new car (with tip money from waiting tables?) and be on my own. What was I thinking?! That was the problem: I wasn't.

Fast forward 10 years. Every Thursday night and every other weekend, my boys (from a previous marriage) get to spend time with Bio dad. Fortunately, he is actively involved in their lives. He attends parent teacher conferences and sports games. Unfortunately for me, he spoils them rotten. The boys run the house at their dads. They climb on counters to get suckers, start fires in the grill just to put them out with a water hose (grr...so much for us teaching fire safety!), and eat dinner in separate beds while watching their iPads. They tell their dad and step-mom how the weekend will go. "I want to do this. I want to go here. I want a Red Bull..."( I was livid when I got that phone call!) Then, they get every single request granted. They get every over-sized plush toy and trendy accessory out there. When one of their pillow pets breaks, the Bio's reply "Oh, we'll just get you another one" I can't forget their birthday presents? Kasen got an iPhone at 3, and Sean got a digital camera at 5. (Eye roll) My boys get to spend their summers at theme parks with wind in their hair, daily mall visits, and swimming pools at water parks. Every year, it's season passes to a theme park just to visit the pool. No doubt a great way for them to cool off on these hot summer days! The repercussion? Sean loves repetition and has anxiety when something isn't in his normal daily schedule. When we all try to make a day of Sea World to see the animal shows and eventually land in the water park, Sean freaks out the moment we walk in the gates. He repeats "We go to the water" from the instant we get there, and doesn't understand "Not right now". Even "First, 3 animal shows, then the water" doesn't work. This causes more anxiety and over stimulates his senses. He goes into sensory overload, and nothing can calm him down. We usually end up leaving the park shortly after. Meh. 

When they come home even from a weekend of free reign, it's usually a 48 hour adjustment period. Their manners are out the window. They don't want to follow our rules. Just because they don't 'want' to do somethings at our house...doesn't mean JACK. For example, bringing toys to the dinner table just isn't allowed at our house. That time is family time. No TV, no phones, and definitely no toys at the table. But, they always try to sneak them by. Our lives are busy enough with picking up and dropping off kids at sports, ROTC practice, Choir camp, and boy scouts. (Hello taxi Mom!) This is the one time a day to gather, pray and get quality time in. After all, it's our job is to raise smart and productive children. Therefore, we have to be the mean ones. I don't let them forgot how to use 'sir' and 'ma'am'. I say no to TV watching for more than an hour at a time. I tell them to go make the outdoors be their iPad. (Just plain mean right?) They are reminded to put their plates in the dishwasher, pick up their toys, clean their rooms and make their beds. Chores? Yes, they have them. Mowing the grass, taking out the compost (for the garden), and sweeping the floor are all done once a week. They don't get daily shopping trips, or new toys because they were 'a good boy today'. They get weekend trips to the beach, and family vacations to Disney World for having integrity throughout the year.

It must be hard to live with two sets of rules as a child. Knowing that you get everything you ask for at one place, and getting everything to sustain you at another. Hearing 'I want to go to dads' from my kids when they are in trouble is rough. It breaks my heart because we can't be the 24/7 fun house. Our home has to be structured, have rules and I have to be more than just their friend. Mike and I provide love, encourage creativity and teach them how to entertain themselves. We are truly the lucky ones. While someone else can only buy the memories, we get to create them. 

What experiences have you overcome while trying to co-parent from separate households?

6 comments:

  1. I hope you know that as adults, when they have their own children, they will look to you for advice and guidance. Remember, providing consistency allows children to feel more secure. You got it right, they're just too young to notice it right now ;)You and your hubby are amazing parents to those boys! I'd love to send my son to you for a weekend or so, to perfect his manners and behaviour! LOL

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! Also, keep your head up too. Parenting is no doubt the hardest job we'll ever have!

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  2. I believe that deep down, those boys know exactly what the deal is.
    Kids love structure, and they will appreciate your end of the bargain in due time. Keep providing the right guidelines, and teach responsibility.

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    1. You're right. Thanks for the reassurance! Everyone needs a little from time to time.

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  3. I had a close friend who dealt with the same issues for over a decade. Eventually, the oldest started to realize the "why" Mom does things, why they are important and how the make the family strong. They realized that apart of being the guy who bought them stuff, there wasn't any underlying relationship and found themselves wanting to spend less time with him. They also learned from Mom to save their money and make smart choices with it, to only buy something meaningful, or to wait for a special occasion. Birthdays are great because the whole family gets involved in deciding, selecting, and finding that one special gift (not necessarily expensive) and planning the homemade birthday dinner. They also take really good care of their things because they didn't come by them so easily. As the oldest learned, the younger ones immediately followed suit (4). They are turning out to be wonderful kids despite the circumstances. I know that you and Mike are doing the right thing and to outsiders and kids, your rules may seem trivial, mean or outdated. However, only you know what works for your family and you guys are both great role models. Hang in there!

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    1. I appreciate your story, and thank you for your kind words. Mike has even nick-named them turd for good reason (Teenageturd, Nosepickerturd, Kinderturd, and even Babyturd) ;)

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