Sh!t My Toddler Says

"Look Mommy," points to the clock. "Oh 5 zero! I like oh 5 zero." Son, nobody likes 05:00.

No penis.

Silas had been toting around one of my teddy bears for a few days. This one was one of the ones my Mom had bought me when Daddy and I got married. They were dressed in Halloween costumes and she had on a big poofy dress and carried a spider-shaped handbag. After two days of loving her intensely and bringing her everywhere, we were in the car and he lifted up her dress. She had no undies on. "Mommy, where her penis?" She's a girl sweetheart. She doesn't have a penis. "Oh well den I don't wan her." And he throws her on the floor board and their friendship is over. Psh, no penis? What was she thinking?

I was driving the boys to Grandma's house 2.5 hours away. They slept most of the way. When Silas woke up he started, "We dere yet?" No. "We dere yet?" No. "Wedereyet?" No. "Yet?" Nope. "Now?" No. Pause. "Now?" No. Seriously we went on like this for 20 minutes. I didn't think he'd start this yet...

Every night when we go to bed Silas says, "Let's tell a story Mommy." OK you start. "Once upon a time there was a pirate. And den?" And then there were two pirates and they were named Silas and Sage. And then what happened? "Dilas and Say had a boat." What was the boat named? *Stupid look* "Pirate Ship." Right. Of course. Silas and Sage found a treasure map so they loaded up Pirate Ship and set sail. "No dey took da boat." Right. Sorry. They took the boat to an island to find the treasure on the map. They found it and dug and dug. They of course took turns digging so neither one would get tired. Then they found the treasure. What was it? "Gold. And chocolate!" Fantastic! Then what happened? "Then the princess came...and a dragon came *whoosh* fly by and blew fire." Oh dear. This story just got very confusing.

One night Silas invented a game, rather like Calvin Ball (from Calvin and Hobbes). It took Mike and I about 25 minutes to figure out (somewhat) the rules to this game. Basically you threw the ball to another person and that person tried to hit it with a drum stick and then Silas would yell, "You a WINNER!" But the adults at least couldn't figure out what exactly made us winners. But Silas always knew who won and who was "Noh a winner. Sorry. Try again!"

What entertaining things have you heard kids say recently?