How Do We Love Two Children?

Silas love

Silas was my first son. He was born in 2010 and we spent almost two years becoming "bess frens" (best friends) before his brother, Sage, was born in 2012. If I had to say Silas was more attached to one parent, I would say he was my right hip and Mike (my husband) would agree. For months I wondered if we should have a second child, or if we should just leave well enough alone and be happy with what we knew (as opposed to what we didn't).

Coming from a household with only one child (yes, I was an only, what?), I wasn't exactly sure how the whole "loving two kids" thing would work. Could it work, I wondered. Could I do it on what felt like my already strained emotional budget? Having an anxiety disorder takes up a lot of your available energy so I worried (HA! Me! Worry!) that it would be a bad idea and I'd screw up two children's lives. What parent doesn't though right? (Admit it, at least to yourself, you don't have to do it in public)

As luck would have it, I didn't get the chance to decide yes or no on the second child bit - we found out November 14, 2011 (my birthday, aww!) that we were expecting again and I was...angry? Probably because I didn't get to decide that this is what we were doing. (While you may think we could have had an abortion that wasn't a thought in either of our heads). And then I had a rockin' pregnancy (sarcasm) and Sage was born early (see the previous posts in July 2012 to read more) and that all added to my worry that my idea or not, this was Not Going To Be Good.


But then I sat in the NICU with this tiny boy's hand wrapped around my finger...and I cried. What I worried about, it didn't matter. It would be what I did with these two amazing Small Men that would influence them to be amazing people - at least the part of their lives that I could influence. So I promised my little fighting preemie that I would give both of them everything I had.

Fast forward to a year later. Sage is 13 months. Silas is 3. Sage has gone through these spurts where he seems to have a delay of some sort (which I could totally give him, I mean, he was early) but then catches up super fast. He's walking. He's harassing his brother (i.e., "Say, be quiet!" Sage blows a raspberry at Silas and laughs. "Be quiet Bother!" Raspberry. "Mom! Say won't be quiet!"). I try to divide my time equally between them, but I'm also trying to show them how triage works (one has a dirty diaper, and one is bleeding...help one while explaining to the other that they are next in line and their wait time is approximately 3 minutes). I'm trying my best to show them how to be good brothers. I share kisses, tickles, and love equally (I think). I think.


So how do you love two children? Differently. Each has different wants and needs (and is at a different stage of childhood). You do, quite literally, the best you can. I noticed that Sage developed this "thing" where he would play Peekaboo with you and look super cute until you picked him up. If you didn't (and you walked away), well, he screamed. Rather than getting angry I realized this was probably his way of telling me he needed more attention than what he was getting. Parenting adjustment. Then Silas started not doing so well with potty training. Adjustment.

Adjustment. It's what's for dinner. And I can tell you, as someone with daily anxiety, that's freaky (man). But I've learned to roll with it and pick up the closest child and love on it. And that's all you can do, right?

How did your family adjust to a new addition? Do you wonder if you "have it in you" to have children (or more than one child)?

How well do we know our neighbors?

"Our first home together," my then boyfriend (now husband) said as he unlocked the door. We opened the door, and the scene was straight out of a movie. An 80's movie that is! Stained carpets, holes in the drywall, and missing fixtures. The best part was the yellow counter tops in the outdated kitchen. Sweet! Our first fixer-upper! We fixed it up all right. From repairing walls and laying the whole downstairs in tile, to picking up broken pipes (not the kind for tobacco) in the bushes of our front yard and fixing door handles so the lock wasn't on the outside anymore (to lock the previous owner's kids in), we busted our butts! Every day for 3 months, we worked on this house. It took a lot to start to make it a home.

Soon after we moved in, the neighbors wanted to get to know us. Come to find out, they just wanted to make sure we weren't drug dealing and nude sunbathing delinquents that lived here before. An invite? I'm down. When? Happy Hour. Where? Next door. When? Every Friday night! Who? All of us. Even better that we can walk next door, bring the kids and knock back a few while the neighborhood kids play (and wear themselves out) together. We were told that when the red flag was up at our neighbors house, c'mon in! Awesome neighbor alert! Until their teenage son decided to knock up some girl (back to back). Now, they are raising grand babies. Happy hour is officially cancelled for the next 18 years. Whammy!

Then there's Norma. She sits on her front porch with a shotgun waiting for activity. Especially those pesky HOA who drag around their kids in 100 degree Texas heat in strollers to write violations. "One blade of grass is 2 inches higher than the rest." Really? You're taking this WAY too seriously. I swear that hill in her front yard is a grave from the last guy who gave her lip! Not only did she chase him off her front porch, she followed him in her car all day going from house to house.One time, my husband was teaching our nephew how to drive. He had the boy take the car around the block a few times. All of a sudden..bhew-whoop, a police siren. She had seen a car circle the neighborhood and called the cops on a suspicious vehicle...on the people she sees every week at happy hour!

Two houses down, lives our oldest neighbor. Older than dirt, he tops the charts at 97. He has been through 3 wars, has retired twice, been through two wives and was a witness to when the Air Force was created in 1947. His hearing and eyesight is fading, and his Parkinson's is getting worse. But, he's outside everyday detailing his wife's car, blowing leaves, and throwing dirty stank eye looks when anyone drives by. I park, get out, wave, and he rolls over in his motorized wheel chair. He gets straight to the point (probably cause he could croak at any given moment and doesn't want to waste time) and tells me "No bullshit, dammit. Never stop moving. That's when you'll die...when you stop moving. You got that, girl?" That's when he turned and brushed my butt with his shoulder as he scooted back home in his power-mobile . Wait a second, I think to myself. Did that..??? Yep, that just happened. I swear, old people really do get away with anything.

Our neighbors are old, young, drunk, and fun. They are old enough to know better, but still too young to care. We make up our own neighborhood watch program and dare anyone to try and challenge us when they think we're not watching. The neighbors would call it 'being taught a lesson' to someone who tries to steal, cheat or lie to any of us. It could also be considered 'Lead Poisoning' in this neck of the woods.

We've all got wacky neighbors - what's your story? How well do you know your neighborhood people (and do you want to)?

Music Party (with Prizes)!

This evening (9 E/8 C) we’ll be playing a quick game where you could be entered to win one of two $10 iTunes gift cards. All you have to do is suggest songs for an exercise/running playlist on the thread on our Facebook page. Once we “close” the game at 10 p.m. Eastern, 9 p.m. Central, we’ll randomly choose two participants to win (using Random.org). By providing us with a song you are indicating that you would like to be entered into the drawing. Winners will be contacted and need to provide their email address for the gift card to be sent.

First, make sure that you like our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/mamaaroundthehouse

Then at 9 p.m. Eastern/8 p.m. Central, come hang out on the page. We’ll announce the start of the game and ask you to post at least one song (title and artist) for a running/exercise playlist. These songs will be published as a list on a future blog post as well (and we’ll probably use them as we train for our 5K in September).

Want extra entries? Tweet about the game (tagging @MamaArndThHouse) and provide the link to our blog post about the game. Tweets must be sent prior to 9:30 p.m. Eastern/8:30 p.m. Central to count.

A possible Tweet looks like this: 
 
Love #free #music? Come play tonight at 9E/8C! @MamaArndThHouse http://mamaaroundthehouse.blogspot.com/2013/08/music-party-with-prizes.html

My own game of 'dungeons'...

If you watch Adventure Time, or even just heard of it, you know that Finn likes to play a game/quest called "Dungeons" when he is bored. The game basically consists of finding a hidden dungeon and ultimately to solve the quest by finding the treasure at the end. Finn is usually successful at this game and can be quite OCD on the steps to solving his "dungeon" puzzle.

Why this random comparison? It is the one that best fits. For the last couple months I have been playing my own game of "dungeons" with regards to my 3 year old, Banshee. You see, Banshee began to show signs of autism when she reached her second birthday. She was very particular about the way she dressed, about closing doors, shutting the AC vents, what she ate, and the fact that she wanted to spin constantly. Because I had worked with children living with autism before, I knew the signs and knew that we needed to seek answers. Thus, "dungeons" began.

I would like to say that my quest was fruitful in the beginning, but that would be lying. It was anything but. The first developmental pediatrician kept referring to autism as the "a word", and while the doctor accepted that there were signs, her age was most likely the cause. I think the most frustrating part about all this was the fact that in that moment, sitting in the antiseptic doctor's office while looking at my child, I knew that I would have to play this part of dungeons alone. 

Enter my adventurous spirit and thirst for answers. I knew Banshee was a puzzle and we needed help to get the right tools to work with her--autism or not. Through my investigations, and with the help of some friends who were going through the exact situation, I learned that there was a program in Baltimore that provided early intervention to children who presented the symptoms of an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I set the wheels in motion, and after some testing to qualify (it is a research program), Banshee was enrolled in the Kennedy Krieger Institute's Early Achievements Autism Speaks preschool class. The relief I felt that I was on the right track was huge and grew more when the interventionists said: "You have no idea how big this is. Just by starting the process, you've already helped her." SCORE! 

It seems, that I had found the right dungeon. Now, I needed to find the right key to open the treasure chest that is Banshee. She was a complete puzzle and didn't fit into the categories that the diagnostics called for in a child with autism, but there she was presenting lots of red flags. It was disheartening to say the least, we just want answers, and they weren't that forthcoming. The good thing is that I was surrounded by other parents that were in the same boat and by the professionals at Kennedy Krieger, who kept comforting me with this saying: " If you have met a child with autism, then you have met only ONE child with autism." I'll say! 

Another difficult concept that as parents to a child on the ASD spectrum we have to learn, is that once you have  someone that is diagnosed with autism, your whole family is now diagnosed with autism too. You must all learn new techniques of doing things, routines, new approaches to parenting that seem alien but are so helpful, you tend to go through a period of time when you beat yourself up. Why didn't I think of that? The answer to that, is just that you are too deep to think clearly and it takes a lot to get to the point of being able to admit that. It was great to be able to share all of these thoughts with people, who wouldn't judge you for it.  I can tell you that all of us have grown through this experience with Banshee and even though she was the one receiving therapy to give her the tools she needs to succeed, we were getting therapy too.  

My dungeons game came to a stand-still as Banshee, even after diagnostic testing and visits with the professionals at Kennedy Krieger, remains without a diagnosis. She is too  much of a puzzle even for them! There is no doubt she is on the ASD spectrum, no one is sure where she is. I want to say that if I had remained the same as the beginning of this experience, I would have remained disappointed at the lack of answers. The me now, remains frustrated, but am more open and invite this game of dungeons to continue. I mean, do you really have to find the treasure chest immediately to count as a quest? Or do you count the work you have to do in getting the clues, in order for the real quest to be won? I think dungeons is different for everybody. The good thing is that we don't have to feel alone or need to do it alone. Sometimes, the best way to beat a dungeon of our own making, is simply to let others in to help us through the quest.

What "dungeons" have you experienced in your life (as a parent or otherwise)? What keys did you find that worked to open the treasure chests?

Making a Parent's Life Easier

Within the past couple of weeks I've had a couple of friends observe me at home (not in a creepy way, we were hanging out and I was multitasking) and comment that I make "it" (being a parent) look so easy.

*Giggle* Easy?!

Another one said, "You don't freak out, you just roll with it." Why yes I do, otherwise I'd be in constant freak out mode and that helps nobody.

So what do I do that makes "it" easy? Read on. Will all of these work for you and your fam? Maybe not. But one may help and if so, that's awesome.

1) Make schedules. For example, we menu plan and I type it out and it goes on the bulletin board. As I'm making the menu for the week I keep in mind what meals are super easy and the days we could use super easy. If you have multiple family members with activities, make a calendar so everyone can see. Use the calendar to plan ("Well I could grocery shop while Ryan's at soccer practice" if you don't mind missing soccer practice). I even have a cleaning schedule and I don't break it unless there's a disaster. You know why? The toilet can really wait to be cleaned until Saturday (its scheduled day). Nobody will die if we wait until Saturday. Now if they will, that's another story.

2) Multitask. Laundry going, dishwasher going, vacuuming, while my hair is dying? Done it. Just remember you can't multitask things that take a lot if brain power!

3) Plan ahead. If you have 5 minutes, do what will need to be done for later. Prepare dinner (OK that takes longer than 5 minutes). Set out the kids' clothes and pajamas. Or better yet make them do it! This way, when that activity (i.e. making dinner) comes up, you're not scrambling. It's leisurely. Scrambling is stressful.

4) Do now for a better later. If you have kids, they want a relaxed and undivided you. They don't want Texting Mommy or On Work Email Daddy. So if you can do that stuff now to spend a block of time with them later...well that's what I'd do.

5) Most important: give yourself a break. I mean this in two ways. First, literally, take some time for yourself when there's nobody saying, "Mommy? I ha some cheese? Mommy? I watch Handy Manny? Mommy?" (or is that just my house?). Second, forget other people and seriously give yourself a break - the vacuuming will get done eventually (on Sunday says the schedule), and you ARE a good parent even if you don't look like the neighbor who has five kids (and a nanny). Give yourself a break. This isn't Mommy Wars. We're not competing.

What, if any, of these suggestions are you planning on trying? What may work for you and your family? Do you have any other suggestions to add to the list?