Thursday, May 15, 2014

Why do I do this to myself?

Sunday: I ate way too much this weekend and drank too much beer. Come tomorrow, I'm going soda, gluten, and sugar free. No wait, Robyn, be real. Forever leave the threat of chocolate alone!

Thats it! I've had it. This week, starting Monday I'm starting a different eating lifestyle. There will be protein shakes when I get hungry and it's not a mealtime, and chugging glasses of water in between meals to stay full. 

...Monday ends...I feel great! Not ingesting GMO food into my body makes me feel like a working machine. I've successfully been supermom. Grocery shopping is done, dishes are clean, the kids are in bed, the husband and I got some alone time, and it seems I've satisfied everyone today. 

...Tuesday begins...waking up even 15 minutes later than usual adds a little stress, and who wants a stressful morning? Green tea + extra sugar, check! By lunch, I'm dragging ass and find myself in the McDonald's. 
"Can I have a large coke please?"
"Yes, would you also like 2 chocolate chip cookies for a dollar?"
(Fuck) "Yes please, and that's all"
After picking kids up, running to the grocery store for stuff I forgot yesterday,  taking kids to practice, and normal dinner/clean up, I find a beer in my hand. 
"How did that Shiner get there? Does it really matter? oh well, I've already broken the gluten rule with cookies today. Screw it." Gulp gulp! 

You get the trend, right? It's more of a 'holding myself to something strict that I know I'm not really going to follow' thing. So, why? Why do I do that? 

Here's why:

I try to be supermom. ALL THE TIME. (It never pans out the way I have visions in my head.) I have expectations that are rarely met. I expect my kids to sit down in chairs in the doctors office without being reminded. I expect that no matter what, I will have the willpower to say no to sugar, chocolate and alcohol all at once. I expect myself to be a machine, just taking care of business, and not react emotionally during the day. When all of those things don't happen, that lone piece of sugar will always be there.

 I call it a 'Mommy moment of future regret' and it's those moments (no matter what form) that make me normal and happy. That moment, where a break takes a couple of minutes, so that I can recharge my batteries and regroup my thoughts. 

Never feel guilty for taking time for yourself. You are the foundation for your family. If you crack, the whole structure will break, and what's left will never be aligned correctly ('Mommy is going to run away to Barbados and just leave all of you!) It doesn't mean that the foundation can't be chipped away by wear and tear over the years (I hate you, Mom -adolscent kid) But, it's important to make necessary repairs (Botox my friends!) fix what is broken (chop those split ends off) and maintain the base (having dinner with friends on a monthly basis to remember who you are) of what holds the family together.