Finding What Works

Let's hit the beach. Bring the cooler. Stack it with beer, sandwiches and chips! The room is reserved, and our suits are packed. See you when you get home, babe!  (A year ago)

Butt crack of dawn..wake up, wake up baby, take kids to school, go home, cook myself breakfast, load dishwasher, bring down diapers to wash, pause, why is the baby cranky? Crap, it's 0800, nap time. Scarf food down. Stop what I'm doing, feed baby. Burp baby. Put baby down for a nap....

Wow, how life changed in just a year. I miss stuff from a year ago. I miss the spontaneity. I miss the get up and go. I miss weekend getaways. But, here I am. Thinking about myself. Is that selfish? To think about me for the purpose of recharging my own batteries? But, seriously. There has GOT to be a happy medium! We have these routines in place for a reason. If the kids know what's coming next, there should be less outbursts. True. If the same punishment is used every time (I.e. Taking a toy away) they will also know what's about to happen (and probably make the bad choice anyway).

So, how can we find this happy medium? I struggle thinking this (and worry about it everyday). Whether our kids agree or not, they like a routine.  Their behavior is better and let's face it, that makes for happier parentals as well. Then why is it that these seemingly well behaved children act like fools? Is this typical? Before we go ride a train, I tell them 'okay guys, we're not buying any toys unless you want to use your own money'. 'yes ma'am' Once we step foot in the store, it's like a bell goes off DING...ASK FOR EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. Seriously, even though I just briefed you on what's about to go down? That's how your going to act? Argh...

As I was thinking about my expectations of my kids, my teenager brought home his report card. I already knew the grades thanks to technology! But when one of his grades was less than par, he got all upset when I asked what happened in that class. After turning in a project late, and receiving a poor grade, he barked at me 'your expectations are too high for me.' 

WHAT?! THE?! ... Wow, hmm yes I expect you to turn in your work on time, and get good grades (A's and B's) , and do weekly chores, eat dinner as a family every night, shower daily.... How dare I expect this from my kiddos (sarcasm at its best)?

My whole point is, what do you say? What do you say to the kid who 'knows better' than to ask for toys you explained that you are not buying? What do you say when your kid says your asking too much out of them (when your actually holding them up to their potential)? Why must these kid-turds be testing us all the time?

In all this chaos, I think I know what they need. They need stability. They need chaos:organized chaos. They need to complain about being bored and having chores. They need to know that Friday night is always pizza, movie and popcorn night. They need fun. They also need to know that family vacations (or weekend getaways) are meant to be special. If we took them away every weekend, 1. the chores would be left for mommy during the week (not cool) 2. We wouldn't be teaching them to entertain themselves. 3. It wouldn't feel special.

As I think about the choices I make as a mommy on a daily basis, I truly want what's best for them. I also want them to figure stuff out for themselves. Now more than ever, I constantly think about the things I say to them. We have fun, with a lot of sarcasm! I want them to have tough skin, and not let their sensitive side show with tears. I want them to come to me when there's a problem so we can figure it out together. But, I also want them to be boys. Fighting and yelling at your brother is okay. Don't involve me, tattle tell on him, and work it out between yourselves!

So, here it is: we have found our happy medium...

Teach and learn from each other
Fight and make up
Give lots of hugs
Help someone in need
Love and respect one another
Finish what you start
Dress up
Clean your messes
Cry when you're hurt
And Never be too old to cuddle with Mommy!

On being "The other parent"

Confession time! Well, maybe just one! At 18, I was young, dumb, stupid and thought the world owed me something. I had that 'I can't wait til I can get my own apartment (with what credit at 18?) land an awesome job (with no education?), buy a new car (with tip money from waiting tables?) and be on my own. What was I thinking?! That was the problem: I wasn't.

Fast forward 10 years. Every Thursday night and every other weekend, my boys (from a previous marriage) get to spend time with Bio dad. Fortunately, he is actively involved in their lives. He attends parent teacher conferences and sports games. Unfortunately for me, he spoils them rotten. The boys run the house at their dads. They climb on counters to get suckers, start fires in the grill just to put them out with a water hose (grr...so much for us teaching fire safety!), and eat dinner in separate beds while watching their iPads. They tell their dad and step-mom how the weekend will go. "I want to do this. I want to go here. I want a Red Bull..."( I was livid when I got that phone call!) Then, they get every single request granted. They get every over-sized plush toy and trendy accessory out there. When one of their pillow pets breaks, the Bio's reply "Oh, we'll just get you another one" I can't forget their birthday presents? Kasen got an iPhone at 3, and Sean got a digital camera at 5. (Eye roll) My boys get to spend their summers at theme parks with wind in their hair, daily mall visits, and swimming pools at water parks. Every year, it's season passes to a theme park just to visit the pool. No doubt a great way for them to cool off on these hot summer days! The repercussion? Sean loves repetition and has anxiety when something isn't in his normal daily schedule. When we all try to make a day of Sea World to see the animal shows and eventually land in the water park, Sean freaks out the moment we walk in the gates. He repeats "We go to the water" from the instant we get there, and doesn't understand "Not right now". Even "First, 3 animal shows, then the water" doesn't work. This causes more anxiety and over stimulates his senses. He goes into sensory overload, and nothing can calm him down. We usually end up leaving the park shortly after. Meh. 

When they come home even from a weekend of free reign, it's usually a 48 hour adjustment period. Their manners are out the window. They don't want to follow our rules. Just because they don't 'want' to do somethings at our house...doesn't mean JACK. For example, bringing toys to the dinner table just isn't allowed at our house. That time is family time. No TV, no phones, and definitely no toys at the table. But, they always try to sneak them by. Our lives are busy enough with picking up and dropping off kids at sports, ROTC practice, Choir camp, and boy scouts. (Hello taxi Mom!) This is the one time a day to gather, pray and get quality time in. After all, it's our job is to raise smart and productive children. Therefore, we have to be the mean ones. I don't let them forgot how to use 'sir' and 'ma'am'. I say no to TV watching for more than an hour at a time. I tell them to go make the outdoors be their iPad. (Just plain mean right?) They are reminded to put their plates in the dishwasher, pick up their toys, clean their rooms and make their beds. Chores? Yes, they have them. Mowing the grass, taking out the compost (for the garden), and sweeping the floor are all done once a week. They don't get daily shopping trips, or new toys because they were 'a good boy today'. They get weekend trips to the beach, and family vacations to Disney World for having integrity throughout the year.

It must be hard to live with two sets of rules as a child. Knowing that you get everything you ask for at one place, and getting everything to sustain you at another. Hearing 'I want to go to dads' from my kids when they are in trouble is rough. It breaks my heart because we can't be the 24/7 fun house. Our home has to be structured, have rules and I have to be more than just their friend. Mike and I provide love, encourage creativity and teach them how to entertain themselves. We are truly the lucky ones. While someone else can only buy the memories, we get to create them. 

What experiences have you overcome while trying to co-parent from separate households?