Parenting Styles and You

"Silas, now," says Daddy sternly.

"We need to brush our teeth every day so that they don't hurt," explains Mommy.
 
As a psychologist and professor I have taught about parenting styles to my students in my child psychology class for more years than I want to count. Our style of parenting is influenced by what we expect from the child, how we communicate with them, and how we show affection and nurturing.

Ah parenting

How we combine these three things (expectations, communication, and nurturing) create our parenting "style." Some parents have high expectations for their children and expect them to obey and "behave" without questioning us, while others will ask a child to behave a certain way and act more like a coach when they don't do exactly as asked. Some parents communicate expectations multiple times, while others communicate once (or not at all) and expect the child to behave as requested at a future time (as well as now). Some parents nurture/show affection often while others do not. How do these look when combined?

Authoritarian parents have high expectations, low communication, and low nurturance. They have expectations, and they need to be met. If they are not, there will be consequences (sometimes physical consequences such as a spanking). They are less likely to explain why the consequence is occurring than other types of parents. This can be seen as the "I say, you do" form of parenting. It reminds me of the saying, "Children should be seen and not heard." It also reminds me of a parent saying to a child, "Why are you crying? Do you want me to give you something to cry about?"

Authoritative or democratic parents have high expectations, high communication, and high nurturance. They set the bar high in terms of behaviors, but they tell you how to get over the bar and they cheer you on as you're doing it. You can hear them say things such as, "I understand it must be frustrating to be so tired and to have to brush our teeth. I would be frustrated too. But it's something we need to do. Let's get this done so that we can get to sleep as quickly as possible."

Permissive or indulgent parents are low in expectations, high in communication, and high in nurturance. I tell my students that these are the parents who may tell their teen child that they can have a party with friends over and alcohol as long as nobody drives. Many times I think these parents really want to be their child's friend and make sure their child likes them. The line between parent and peer can be blurred in this instance, especially when we're giving in to a child's wishes rather than putting expectations on them.

Uninvolved or neglectful parents are low in expectations, low in communication, and low in nurturance. These parents may not behave as we would expect a "parent" would at all. Many times when I hear about this type of parenting, the parent may be experiencing high levels of stress (from work, money, housing, etc.) or may be experiencing something that's causing them to have difficulty connecting with their child (such as a major mental disorder).

One may wonder where the "style" of parenting we call "helicopter" parenting comes into play - helicopter parents are seen to "swoop in" and save their child from experiences that they feel may be detrimental to them. So they may save them from feeling badly about not being picked for the soccer team by petitioning the school. How could this influence the child over time? Well, if someone always came in and fixed your problems, how would you behave?

Students ask me often if it's possible to change parenting style and my answer is a definitive YES. I would even venture to say that it's necessary. At each stage of our child's life they need different levels of support from us. They need different expectations based upon their current abilities. If we don't change how we interact with them based upon their needs as they're maturing, then we'd be "stuck" as parents. Also, I would think it would be rather difficult to be an authoritarian parent to a newborn. Yelling, "Stop crying!" hasn't typically worked out well for anyone I'm willing to bet. And being permissive with a toddler can get you into a frustration spiral where you feel walked all over, try to initiate control, they push back (figuratively or physically), and we're locked in this frustrating experience with...our child.

How are you as a parent right now? How do you think your levels of expectation, communication, and nurturing are influencing your child's development?

Image downloaded from freedigitalphotos.net and created by imagerymagestic

On Getting Children to "Be A Good _______"

Today I was shopping (ok I was at Target - be quiet you) and I observed a man talking to a shamefaced little boy who focused on that spot on the floor. "Do you want to be a good boy?" the man asked him. No answer. The man repeated the question. Still no answer. So the man walked away from the child (leaving him standing in the foyer of Target alone - pretty sad sight actually).

But I'm not going to focus on that. The man's statements bring up a good question - what does being a good boy MEAN? How does one do this being a good boy thing? Can anyone do it? What do I have to do? What do I have to avoid? Some of you may be thinking, "They should know." And you know what, older kids should for sure. But when we're talking about a really small kid or a kid who is in a brand new environment, we can't say "they should know." We don't know what's expected of us sometimes even as adults. And that's what it boils down to - not knowing the expectations.

As an adult "in charge" of a child, we have to think at their level and speak at their level. I recently took my two sons (ages 3 and 1) to an atypical memorial service. I had options. I could expect them to "behave" or I could let them know what "behaving" meant in this situation and take into account their ages and cognitive abilities to understand instructions in a new situation and follow those instructions. I did the latter. As we drove to the memorial I told Sials (the older one) where we were going and what we could expect to see. I told him how we were expected to behave. There was a whole slew of kids there, so they all kind of banded together and attacked this large hill with lots of rolling and laughing and dirt and the parents (well most of them) were fine with that (but everyone was fine with them enjoying themselves). One child shied away from the others, not even walking up to the hill and watching other kids. "Be careful, don't get dirty, stay by me," I heard his mother say.

Whether we agree with her or not, she set the "be a good boy" limits for him and he did follow them. If we want children to behave, think of it as a game. I can't play if I don't know the rules. I can't play well if I don't know where the playing field is. What's allowed? What's not tolerated? How do I score? If we can't give them these bits of information, then how can we expect them to follow the rules that we haven't given them access to?

So how do you get your child to "be a good XX or XY?" You tell them how. You reinforce the behaviors that move toward the goal ("You're doing such a great job listening today. I really appreciate that."). We punish (or ignore if possible) behaviors that don't move toward the goal ("We already said there's no jumping off the bleachers, didn't we? What did we say would happen if we did? That's right, time out, so you're going to sit in time out for 3 minutes."). Let them know the rules. Level the playing field. Allow the child to play "right" instead of punishing them or chastising them for not playing right.

What behaviors have you tried to instill in your children to make them "good" boys or girls? How did you do it?

Techy Parent and Techy Policies

I'm the type of person that loves my tech...sometimes too much. Macbook Pro, iPhone 5, Google Nexus 7 tablet (what no iPad?!). While I've never been an early tech adopter, I'm a "pretty quickly" adopter, so I've tried a lot and I'm also willing to let something go if it's not meeting my needs. I have, let's just say, a very active eBay account. If something doesn't work for me, it goes. I won't sit on it (except my first Dell laptop which is a useless paperweight which I still can't get myself to get rid of).

As a parent and a parent who thinks about how they parent intentionally, this brings up a good question - how do you juggle tech and kids? Do you put policies in place (no cell phones at the dinner table), do you have "times" (cell phones only after the kids go to bed), do you integrate tech (even the kids have their own iPads and can order kiddy Netflicks if they so choose)...there are lots of options and lots of questions that you wrestle with as a parent. I really try to think, "What am I teaching my sons by doing this?" If I'm watching a movie with them and am on Facebook messaging with the other Mamas, what am I saying to my 3-year-old?

My personal policy is to try to avoid social media type tech when my kids are awake and playing with me. If they're playing together I may hop on my phone and check FB or my email (especially over the weekend when my students have these huge horrific problems - I call it "being on fire" and Mike jokes that I have to check to make sure my students aren't on fire). If they're napping...usually I'm napping, but if I'm not I can be found working on a blog post or cruising mommy blogs.

What I don't want my kids to learn is that this "other stuff" comes before them. Now, don't get me wrong, if I'm typing an email to my Dad and Silas comes up wanting something RIGHT NOW I will definitely give him the, "I'm typing to Grandpa and will be done in one minute. If you can wait one minute, I will help you. Thank you for being patient with me." But unless absolutely necessary I never want to appear to my kids that "this thing" is more important than what's going on in front of me or around me. I want to be as present as possible, especially right now when these little boys have such amazing stories to tell me.

What's your parenting and tech policy? Do you think technology has influenced your relationships with your children or spouse for the better or for the worse?

How Do We Love Two Children?

Silas love

Silas was my first son. He was born in 2010 and we spent almost two years becoming "bess frens" (best friends) before his brother, Sage, was born in 2012. If I had to say Silas was more attached to one parent, I would say he was my right hip and Mike (my husband) would agree. For months I wondered if we should have a second child, or if we should just leave well enough alone and be happy with what we knew (as opposed to what we didn't).

Coming from a household with only one child (yes, I was an only, what?), I wasn't exactly sure how the whole "loving two kids" thing would work. Could it work, I wondered. Could I do it on what felt like my already strained emotional budget? Having an anxiety disorder takes up a lot of your available energy so I worried (HA! Me! Worry!) that it would be a bad idea and I'd screw up two children's lives. What parent doesn't though right? (Admit it, at least to yourself, you don't have to do it in public)

As luck would have it, I didn't get the chance to decide yes or no on the second child bit - we found out November 14, 2011 (my birthday, aww!) that we were expecting again and I was...angry? Probably because I didn't get to decide that this is what we were doing. (While you may think we could have had an abortion that wasn't a thought in either of our heads). And then I had a rockin' pregnancy (sarcasm) and Sage was born early (see the previous posts in July 2012 to read more) and that all added to my worry that my idea or not, this was Not Going To Be Good.


But then I sat in the NICU with this tiny boy's hand wrapped around my finger...and I cried. What I worried about, it didn't matter. It would be what I did with these two amazing Small Men that would influence them to be amazing people - at least the part of their lives that I could influence. So I promised my little fighting preemie that I would give both of them everything I had.

Fast forward to a year later. Sage is 13 months. Silas is 3. Sage has gone through these spurts where he seems to have a delay of some sort (which I could totally give him, I mean, he was early) but then catches up super fast. He's walking. He's harassing his brother (i.e., "Say, be quiet!" Sage blows a raspberry at Silas and laughs. "Be quiet Bother!" Raspberry. "Mom! Say won't be quiet!"). I try to divide my time equally between them, but I'm also trying to show them how triage works (one has a dirty diaper, and one is bleeding...help one while explaining to the other that they are next in line and their wait time is approximately 3 minutes). I'm trying my best to show them how to be good brothers. I share kisses, tickles, and love equally (I think). I think.


So how do you love two children? Differently. Each has different wants and needs (and is at a different stage of childhood). You do, quite literally, the best you can. I noticed that Sage developed this "thing" where he would play Peekaboo with you and look super cute until you picked him up. If you didn't (and you walked away), well, he screamed. Rather than getting angry I realized this was probably his way of telling me he needed more attention than what he was getting. Parenting adjustment. Then Silas started not doing so well with potty training. Adjustment.

Adjustment. It's what's for dinner. And I can tell you, as someone with daily anxiety, that's freaky (man). But I've learned to roll with it and pick up the closest child and love on it. And that's all you can do, right?

How did your family adjust to a new addition? Do you wonder if you "have it in you" to have children (or more than one child)?

The Word of the Day is “Diaper”

My son’s gotten to be a professional walker now, and even tries the running thing sometimes. He’s getting better at that too, but still takes some spills. Now that the locomotion deal is good, he’s started really crackin’ on the language bit. We’ve heard a few random things here and there, and we’ve definitely heard some things that sound like something but we’re not quite sure what “that” is.

The first thing we heard was “oww” (owl) and then “bihr” (bird). It was 2 a.m. and we were up taking an underarm temperature because someone was screaming bloody murder. We sat on the couch and he pointed to the owl statue on the bar. “Owl,” I told him sleepily as I wrestled him to keep the thermometer under his arm. “Oww,” he repeated. “Yes, owl. Owl’s are birds,” I added. “Bihr,” he repeated. Sure, great, words, now go back to bed. Come to find out he had an ear infection (f.y.i., for anyone who hasn’t seen a baby ear infection, waking up in the middle of the night screaming when they usually sleep through the night is a sign of ear infection).

Next came “Ja Ja.” Jasmine is our small Chihuahua. He’ll chase her around the house grinning and yelling, “Ja Ja!” We of course say Mama and Dada, and we’ve heard “buh” (book) and “baah” (ball). One day I frustratingly told him, “No, that’s mine” when he reached for the remote (he was going to push buttons and I really wanted to watch the rest of NCIS). He paused, looked at me intently, and repeated “mine.”

Today? “Dipe” as he reached for a diaper on the top of the cloth diaper pile. “What color is that?” I asked about the one he had grabbed. “Boo!” (blue). And he was right, it was blue. My child amazes me to no end. You know, you talk a mile to this child that you’ve been toting around for months and you wonder, “Really? Are you hearing any of this? Does it matter to you that I pretty much have diarrhea of the mouth talking to you about everything around us and what we’re doing?” We label things, we look at books (which he closes on me), we point and talk about things, we talk about what we’re eating, and what the dogs are doing, and…some days I’m just tired of talking to this little boy who doesn’t talk back. But now he’s starting to talk back.

Right now we’re working on “more.” Knowing this word would make life so much easier. “Do you want more fish?” (Goldfish crackers) – I would love an accurate answer to this question, rather than giving him more and watching him turn them into crumbs because he’s “all done.” Yesterday he was in his seat and I was putting away dishes a few feet away. He was staring intently at me with an empty tray. “Do you want more?” I asked. The brow furrowed. “More?” I repeated more slowly. The lips moved in an almost “M” motion. “More?” I asked even more slowly. “MO! MO!” Close enough kiddo, have some more fish. We’ve also been working on “please” which comes out as “eeeeese!” with a huge grin. I love please.

Sometimes I wish that we had tried out the whole baby sign thing. My suggestion for anyone with a new little one is check out baby signs that would be useful and work with your kiddo at least 30 minutes a day to practice the hand motions and the meanings of the words. Keep in mind that as their vision gets better, they start watching your lips and imitating your sounds. This is when you need to start watching your language, not later. It’s a good idea to clean up your language even before they start watching you, but truly unless you want your kid’s first word to be a cuss word you have to watch your mouth. Most of the time they imitate the last word of whatever you just said, so keep that in mind too. They’re already learning where the end of sentences are even at 6 months. Kind of crazy.

This brings us back to the idea of intentional parenting. Your child is going to imitate your facial movements and emotional reactions to stimuli. They’re going to imitate your language and how and when you use it. Look in the mirror as you’re talking – is that what you want to see from your kids? If so, kudos to you and go be a great parent. If not, think about it. Your kiddo is the combination of you and your partner (if you have one). How’s that going to work out in the long run if you don’t think about it now?

The Monsters We Create

My sister-in-law had her first daughter in 2009 and a friend bought her a Tigger “lovey” – Tigger’s head attached to a fuzzy square blanket. The baby enjoyed it, but enjoyed it too much – after a while Tigger was gross. So my SIL found a pink elephant lovey and gave her that. Eventually the little girl would indicate she needed a nap by grabbing her elephant and sticking her thumb in her mouth. Sometimes she’d just crash out on the living room floor with it. But she always had to have her ele. And if she didn’t have the ele…well, she wouldn’t nap. So eventually, as you can guess, the ele got gross. My SIL searched feverishly for another ele so that she could wash ele #1 and #2 would be available for naps (because you know, as a parent, that the minute you put that thing in the wash here comes your kid wanting to take a nap – it’s Murphy’s 1st Law of Parenting). She finally found another one on eBay for $20 plus shipping and didn’t bat an eye buying it. Crisis of no nap without an ele averted. For now. Yesterday her daughter brought her ele in the bathtub with her. Thankfully the ele was dry (#2 shhh) by the time her bath was done and it was time for bed.

My own son is a little over one, and I found by watching him that he loved to rub his face on soft things (fleece-like is his favorite, or faux animal hair). So I gave him a fleece blanket with chenille on one side and pile fleece on the other. My parents bought him another for Christmas, and when he got too long for those I found him an adult fleece throw for his nighttime pleasure. When you put him in his crib, he’ll take his left hand across his face and reach for the fleece blanket on his right side and rub on it until he falls asleep. He’ll also try to find one on his left side and rub on that if he wakes up in the middle of the night. When I wake him up in the morning, he has one in each hand and his face is cuddled up on the adult throw. Cute right? Sure, what parent doesn’t love having pictures of their kid roaming around the house at bedtime with a blanket in each hand, looking for someone to just put him in his crib? But we ran into the same problem – smelly blankets need to be washed. And my son literally naps every two hours (you can almost time your watch by it). If you’re fast, you can get them washed, but if you don’t think of it until he’s been up for an hour what do you try to do? You try other blankets, exactly. But no…these are not fuzzy enough to be soothing. So my son will not nap (or go to bed at night) without count them, three, fleece blankets.

My SIL and I have created monsters. Not the jump out of your closet or out from under your bed kind, but the creatures of habit who will scream if you don’t give them what they want kind. Before I had my son I thought having a lovey would be a good thing – it can help kids learn to self-soothe because they have a beloved item with them, and it can make a new place seem familiar (and less anxiety provoking). Really what we’re talking about here is giving your kid something they know well and feel comfortable with to help them relax. And that idea sounds so nice in theory. Help them relax…ahhhh…relax. Sure. And eventually that’s what happened with my son – he didn’t need me rocking him to sleep anymore – he had his blankets.

BUT. So you’re helping your kid relax, when really what you’re teaching them is to associate this item (or items) with decreasing anxiety and/or relaxation. You’re conditioning your child to relax only when the item is available and to experience more anxiety when it is not (possibly – remember, this doesn’t happen to every kid). They pair the lovey with sleep and then poof, no sleep without the lovey. And the babysitter or grandma or anyone who doesn’t know about this thing is SOL. You’re stuck rushing to wash them during awake time (or buying multiples so you don’t have to rush). So decreasing their stress stresses the parents. Probably not the best plan, but so many parents do it, and I’m one of them. So that brings up a good question – if we’re using intentional parenting (parenting after thinking about the possible consequences of our behaviors toward our kids and making a conscious decision to behave in that way or shape those behaviors in our children), should we be going the lovey route?

One option is to have multiple items that our kids can connect with. A lot of times though that doesn’t work – they pick one and they go with it, and the others are kind of secondary (and maybe not acceptable for relaxation purposes). And some kids, honestly, never give a rat’s ass about a lovey. They don’t have a favorite blanket or toy or anything that they search out in times of anxiety or sleepiness. And those parents are lucky. A second option is to buy multiples of the lovey, but really, how are you supposed to know when you pick up the owl in the store that this will be “the thing?” And if you realize it is, and go to search for more and then they’re gone or out of “season,” what then? Try telling your one-year-old, “I’m sorry, you can’t have this, I need to wash it.” I know at my house I’d get a confused look then he’d be following me around crying until he found something else fuzzy that MAY be sufficient.

So as you intentionally parent, think about this – to lovey or not to lovey? While the choice is yours, now, think about the later outcomes and decide how you want to influence your child. Most of the time we give them their first cuddle toy because WE think it’s cute, right? So who needs a lovey here really?