A Good Dad

Recently Doyin of Daddy Doin' Work asked his subscribers to describe a "good dad." He received entries and chose some to post on his blog today. This question made these Mamas put on their thinkin' caps, and here's what they said:

Robyn: 
Good daddy's work. They have a day job and maintain the house and cars. They have helpers, too. In the garage, they help pass wrenches. At the bathroom sink, they help shave faces. Good daddy's also teach. They teach their kids about how a woman should be treated. To be kind and give her honesty, respect and love. Kids learn from their daddy's how to use tools, whether it be in the kitchen or in the garage. They teach kids about sports rules and regulations. They teach gun safety. They teach consequences for not listening when told to do something. Daddy's also listen a lot. They listen to fights among the kids, and then break them up. They listen to non fun stations on talk radio and NPR. They point to mommy to fix boo-boos with her kisses and band aids. "Mommy will make it better", they say. Daddy's hold mommies tight, and dance with them in the kitchen, for the kids to see. Good daddy's are adventurous, but predictable. (Like bringing home hockey tickets for a Friday night, but in the nosebleed seats while the budget in mind). Good daddy's have a support system of good friends, colleagues and the most important a great family who drives him nuts! 

Lisa:

A good dad is someone who goes to work all day, but is constantly thinking about home. A good dad takes over bath time, dinner time, homework time, just because. In spite of being tired, a good dad will take time to play tea party with his little girls, take he dogs out for walks, and smile through all of it. A good dad teaches his children how the world works: enjoy each day to the fullest, try your absolute best at everything, and never give up. A good dad always has time to say 'I love you, no matter what' to all of his family, without fear that he will look uncool doing it. A good dad will go to the ends of the earth to get that one toy you can't live without. He will also send love notes to Mama with the kids as the delivery people. A good dad is tall, short, skinny, fat, lanky, muscular, white, black, brown, yellow, speak different languages, have curly hair, straight hair, Mohawks, have tattoos, no tattoos, work all day, work some days,....good dads come in all shapes, sizes, and with all sorts of experience under their belts but the one thing that all good dads embody is love. 

Liz:
Liz wrote an entry for DDW and it was actually chosen for his post! Read what she wrote here (last one at the bottom).

What about you, what do you think "a good dad" is or does? How would you describe a "good dad?" Comment below with your thoughts. 

The Dad Identity

I was folding clothes when I overheard Silas say something to Daddy. Daddy sighed and said, "You're right Silas," and got up from the couch.

Silas was happily eating his meatballs and raviolis, but he had heard me tell Daddy that after he finished that game (of whatever video game he was playing) it was Silas' turn to watch a movie I'd gotten for him.

So what did Silas say to Daddy?

"Daddy, that's one game. It my turn. Movie please."

I secretly smiled to myself. This is something I try to say to my husband all the time but it's as if I've said it too often and now he doesn't hear me.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that much of my day, my life, is spent talking to these boys, learning from these boys, teaching these boys to *hopefully* be good people, and mostly spending my time with or for these boys, but my husband still maintains his hobbies (like video games). I mentioned this to him the other night and he responded, "Hon, you blog." Well yes, I do. After the boys go to bed. When they're otherwise engaged. I don't just take off and hole up in my office and write. And if I want to, I ask my husband if it's OK if I do so for 15 minutes or so (and I make sure I'm back in 15 minutes).

I am a mom. I've been a mom ever since Silas was born. I'm not sure, if you asked my husband to answer the question "I am..." 20 times, if "a father" or "a dad" would even be on that list (and he's not interested in doing that activity if I ask him). I've met guys who "are" dads. That's how they think of themselves, that's what they talk about, that's what they "do," that's "who they are." And I sit and wonder why it is that some men get attached to that title and the role as I have to being a Mom, while others continue to focus more on themselves than on their role as someone's dad.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing my husband. I'm trying to understand the differences I see. And I've asked him and he doesn't seem to have any insight into it (or he doesn't want to share it with me). Research on identity theory (remember now, I'm a social and personality psychologist, a researcher, this is what I do) tells us that humans play multiple roles (easy right?) and that only a certain number of roles can be "central" at any given time. As one becomes more central, more important to how we think of ourselves, another becomes less central (because we only have so much mental energy).

So I ask you, readers, parents, friends, psychologists, arm-chair psychologists ;) What makes some men a "dad" while others put the role of "father" further down in their list of roles? What do you think?